SoberNuggets

milestones

2012-01-28T14:19:00.001-05:00

I'm celebrating my 16th AA anniversary today, pretty nifty! I'll be celebrating by showing a home and hopefully writing an offer on it. Then my client and I will and write a counter offer on the home she's selling. I coach 3rd-4th grade YMCA boys basketball, had a game this morning. Those are so much fun to coach/watch. We've got a great group of little dude who really hustle and have a blast. Today's a busy day and I think my wife forgot about my anniversary. She usually makes a little fuss with a card or something. In all the hustle and bustle, I can see how that happens. She's been a little out of sorts the past couple days and I'm just trying not to make it worse or get sucked into whatever that is.

I heard yesterday through the grapvine that I wont hear anything on the new job front until some time next week. Evidently, they are still trying to put together a benefit package for whomever they hire. It is what it is, I just wish they'd have the courtesy to give me a shout with a little information or heads up. I suck at waiting... I went through this about 3 months ago when I was in the running for another major career upgrade. I read about that hiring process in the paper as it was a public position. That sucked too. I think folks have forgotten how to communicate and what courtesy, decorum and respect are all about. Ah well, all in God's time. At least I have a job now, even if it isn't enough income.

I'm sober today and that's all that matters. After all my real estate work is done, I will go home and hang with the boy while he has a little buddy over. Mama bear will be coaching a swim meet tonight. She is the asst coach for our HS team this year and she's not enjoying it very much. I wishshe couldd figure out how to see the bright side of things and just go with the flow without always being so negative. But, that's her nature, her issue.

It's hard for mee to believe I've been coming to AA meetings and staying sober for 16 years now. I'm so blessed! Thank God for AA, family, friends and of course for you all!

God Bless!

anticipation

2012-01-26T20:21:00.003-05:00

Well, tomorrow is Friday, the day they said they'd have a public announcement about this new job I've been waiting for. I've been fairly patient, avoiding worry and anxiety for the most part. They originally said 2nd wk of Jan, then it was by tomorrow. So, I suppose this will happen any time now? (I know, they'll make a decision and a call in their time, in God's time.) I'm one of three finalists, and feeling really good about it all. I'm just really excited and ready to begin a new chapter.

I'm super beat tonite. I was at the office by 6am, we had a breakfast meeting (about 100 folks) for the chamber this morning I had to host/emcee, setup. That was done by 9, but I got pulled into a luncheon meeting, more schmoozing, etc. After that I got a call for a potential new chamber member, so I went and met twith him, signed him up. Lots of face time today so I am beat lol. Good tired. Fulfilled tired. But, tired nonetheless.

Kool thing about today is I got my iPhone finally. I'd been saving for awhile, added in some Christmas $$ and caught a nice deal on an iPhone 4s. It is a nifty lil gadget, but it's going to take some getting used to, having been a blackberry user for the past 5+ years. I have enjoyed getting all my emails and social media stuff set up on it. I can tell I will really love this phone, once I get used to the touch screen.

I've been to two meeting this week, and I plan on hitting another tomorrow, just to keep myself in persepctive and keep from worrying about this job. I refuse to make myself crazy over something I have no control over. Wish me luck lol

meetings...

2012-01-25T07:59:00.004-05:00

I met a gal at the noon mtg Monday who is returning to AA meetings at 20+ yrs sober, after not having been in meetings for several years. I live in a very small town in a rural part of Ohio, and it is always wonderful to welcome a fresh perspective and set of experiences. As she shared in the meeting, I could tell she was glad to be back in meetings, getting back in the groove so to speak. Evidently, some AAs at other meetings she had been to since returning were rather outspoken about her long period of time without meetings. I hate to hear about that sort of treatment. No one in AA is in ANY position to judge another.

I know for me, that I must maintain a steady diet of contact with AA in order to remain reasonably well-adjusted. I don't go to a ton of meetings like I used to, but I am in one meeting almost every week. I built my life in AA, so I have contact with sober AA's on a daily basis and I have an active faith life in my church. SO, I never really venture far from the "fountainhead" lol. Evidently, this gal was "off the AA radar" for quite some time but she sure came across to me as in being wonderful spirits. I'm not going to judge her, only welcome her. I just know that I might be in trouble if I venture too far away from meetings, lol. And besides, I feel better when I attend meetings and share where I am with other AAs.

My alcoholism hadn't progressed to "life-threatening" stages by the time I found AA at age 27. I was miserable, insane and growing more insane when I arrived. But, I didn't have DT's, I didn't need to detox, I hadn't had a DUI, bad car crash, divorce, law issues or anything along the lines of many low bottom alcoholics and addicts i met in AA. (YET) However, I was bad enough for me. I was a spiritual and emotional wreck. I was a self-centered, lying miserable SOB, making most everyone around me miserable as well. I wasn't happy drunk or sober, and I certainly wasn't building a life for myself. Returning to that horrific (and thankfully unrecognizeable) life is unimaginable today. So, I go to meetings to work on me, feel better, give of myself and ultimately to insure I remember that my sobriety is still job #1! My recovery has a subtlety to it, for lacking that "near death" experiences shared by so many low bottom AAs. I have to constantly be in touch with the fact that I am still an alcoholic and have to be aware of my behaviour.

I'm glad that gal has returned. She's certainly helped me by being at a meeting I was sitting in on Monday. At the end of the day, that's what it's all about!

surrender...

2012-01-24T06:42:00.002-05:00

Every day is a day I must surrender to my illness... I am an alcoholic. I am drug-addicted. Today I must not drink or use drugs if I am to have a good life. God (my HP) gives me the strength to stay sober one day at a time. But, I must surrender to the fact that I cannot control my drinking or drug use once it begins. I cannot afford to ever forget that. My entire life, all the good things depend upon my surrender.

Step 1 is as important to me today as it was on day one of my recovery nearly 16 years ago. If I ever forget my life before AA, I am doomed to go back to it. I remember what it was like, mainly because I still go to meetings and meet newcomers who are fresh into recovery. Seeing the and hearing their stories reminds me of where I've come from. It also offers me the opportunity to help our newcomers with my experience. I can let God work his wonders through my experience and my love.

AA is awesome, and I am so grateful for my sobriety and all the Grace that has come my way as a result of coming to AA.

love and gratitude

2012-01-22T19:14:00.001-05:00

I love when I can enjoy a quiet Sunday at home! Today was such a Sunday. I was able to get some work done, get to Mass, eat some good food, watch the tail end of the Patriots win over the hated Ravens, and watch my Giants play tonight in San Fran. Ian got to go sledding again today, enjoying the 3+ inches of snow we received Fri night. I has been a nice day. Now, it's time for some bloggage and preparation for the week upcoming. I am anticipating some good news this week regarding the new job.

I'm sober today only by God's Grace. God has seen fit to give me the strength to stay sober one day at a time for nearly 16 years. To say I am grateful would be an incomplete understatement. I seek to share my gift with others who seek recovery. I seek to give my talents and time to my community. I owe. I've been given gifts I could never repay, so I try just one day at a time to give back.

AA taught me the importance of giving. My church (Roman Catholic) teaches me that I must show my love for others each day of my life in order to grow closer to my HP Jesus. It is simply not enough to proclaim my gratitude and my love. I must act on it and share it with others, otherwise my love and gratitude are meaningless. That doesn't mean I am hoping to "score points" with my HP, I am merely expressing my love for Him, and so He manifests His Grace in my life. AA and my church remind me and provide ways for me to express my love and gratitude.

I'm off to read some of your blogs. I am so grateful to have these virtual meetings to help me grow in recovery. God Bless!

one day at a time...

2012-01-20T09:10:00.004-05:00

We've made it to another Friday, woo hoo! Here's to reaching the end of another busy week unharmed and no worse for the wear!!

Our son Ian is 10, and is beginning to experience the joys of being a kid in school. He came home quite upset Wed nite after being picked on for this and that. He talked with his mom and me about feeling useless, stupid and having something wrong with his head. Right now, I see this as a part of being a kid, something most of us go through. But, I know better than to blow this off entirely as "stuff kids go through that they grow out of." His mom and I are both emotionally crippled in one way or another. Having said that, I want to keep a close eye on what's going on with him, in case he does end up having real emotional issues. We talked, I listened to him tell me all about it, let him cry it out, and tried to help him understand that people say and do mean things and that we have to find a way to not let it bother us too much. I also explained to him that his mom and I both went through this, and we still have to put up with people like that. Its part of life, unfortunately. We ended up having a good talk and Thursday was a better day for him. His mom went to visit the principal just to bring her into the conversaton and alert her to where Ian's at, in case there is a bullying issue at school.

So we had a nice talk, a wonderful teaching moment about love, friendship, family, God and Jesus. My poor wife takes stuff like this hard, and never has really learned how to deal with people and have a strong positive self-image. So we take it a day at a time, talk about it and thank God that Ian is talking with us. Too many kids end up so detached from family that they cannot come to mom and dad with their problems and fears. I want to do my best to nurture a relationship with Ian where he can always come to us. Too many kids end up pregnant, addicted, and suicidal because they cannot figure out how to deal with life on life's terms, and they end up feeling so alone they get drawn into bad situations.

I'm grateful that AA and Al-Anon have taught me some important lessons on unconditional love, kindness, humility and the absolute importance of completely honest, loving and open communication. We can pass these lessons along to Ian and hopefully help him avoid the destructive behaviours his mom and I employed for so many years. This is only the beginning of our adventure into adolescence with Ian. Thank God we only have to live this one day at a time.

simplify

2012-01-18T09:17:00.001-05:00

I'm off to a day of meetings, one important one as it relates to the new job... I've got my fingers crossed for good news, or a positive vibe or something lol. I'm not a fan of limbo lol.

I just want to find a way to be of service to God and to those around me today. I am working on simplfying. I am approaching a sobriety milestone on the 28th, and it occurs to me in reflecting back, that I've allowed myself to become way overcomplicated. So, simplicity rules the roost these days. For me, it begins and ends with gratitude for sobriety, family and health. In between the beginning and the end I seek to fill my day with thoughts and actions of service and kindness. Everything else is employed to fulfill the mission of gratitude and service.

Gob Bless, thanks for coming by!

Happy MLK Monday!

2012-01-16T13:25:00.000-05:00

I'm back in the office after lunch and the noon meeting (which turned out to be three of us chatting for 40 mins) and I am enjoying a wonderful treat from my favorite coffee shop. When I went in there this morning at 6:20, my all-time favorite barista greeted me with a cheery "Hey Scott, you've won our free drink of the week!!" (each time I buy a coffee, they punch my card... ten punches, free coffee and into a drawing for the free drink of the week) So, after lunch I went back in a ordered a "Snowflake" concoction. Something with a double latte, white chocolate, vanilla and peppermint. Yum! I have the newest Zac Brown CD (thanks Santa) playing in my office and I am ready to grab the world by the butt!

Its been a fairly hustley-bustley morning for a holiday Monday. Every other Monday, I have to call in for a live radio interview at 7:25 am, so I was in pretty early this morning. I really need to haul my butt outta bed that early every day. I get so much done before I have to flip the "open" sign at 9.

I am presently watching my ego closely. I've always struggled to find balance between "I'm God" and "I suck." With the relative public success of the chamber, and the good run that whole thing has been on over the past two + years, I can sometimes find myself thinking I am pretty damn special. I am always grounded by attending AA meetings and being reminded that I am just another alcoholic/addict trying to stay sober and live one day at a time. That's all any of us are. I am one of those people who must be reminded to observe "Rule #62- Don't take yourself too damn seriously." I think you can read about that in Tradition Four in the "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" book.

I know from experience (both success and failure) that gratitude is the primary cure for egoism, depression, self-mutilation, self-centeredness, fear, anger and so many other conditions that assail my spirit. So today, this afternoon I am praying for a moment on how blessed my life is today. I'm taking a moment to thank God for you, for AA, for sobriety, my wife and son, for retreats, for His Son, for forgiveness and love.

Have a Happy Monday!!

retreating...

2012-01-15T10:07:00.001-05:00

This weekend marks our 13th annual men's AA winter retreat, a retreat I've never missed. I was unable to stay over night and all weekend this time, but I was able to get over there for a few hours Fri nite and again last evening. Last night was especially powerful for me, as I was able to participate in the Sacrament of Reconciliation and then Mass. Afterwards, I led a lengthy guided meditation in the chapel for the retreatants. It felt good to slow down for a bit and do some much-needed "spiritual housecleaning." We listened to some mini leads, held a meeting around the fireplace in the dark and then I went home to bed.

It's been hectic and crazy but today is a "down day" reserved for sleeping in, writing, reading and honey-do's lol. I'm still awaiting an announcement on the new job front, so that has been weighing on my mind a bit. They were supposed to make that announcement this past week but they aren't quite ready to. I ran across a couple of my interviewers at various meetings on Thursday and one of them pulled me aside to bring me up to speed. I thought that was especially considerate. Evidently, I am one of three finalists who was interviewed. He told me they are quite pleased with each of us, and our differing perspectives on how to handle the job. They hope to have things in place so an announcement/decision can be made later this coming week. Its complicated to say the least. God will be handling this outcome and I will be busy working on acceptance and pressing on with my current job.

This week was a productive one at work with three new chamber members and a great new real estate listing, possibly two. I'm presently working to narrow my focus and find balance. I've been getting to meetings fairly consistently, my wife and I are communicating well. We're running out of savings but not freaking out about it. Ian is doing great in school and at home. The only real challenge right now is money and hopefully the new job pans out and that improves.

All I could come up with last night at the firelight meeting is how grateful and amazed I am at my life today. God continues to bless me/us in so many ways. Yea we've got challenges like everyone else, but I know in my heart of hearts that it will be ok. I just keep going a day at a time, seeking God's will and doing my best.

God Bless and thanks for coming by!

surrender

2012-01-11T08:24:00.001-05:00

Sitting in our local coffee house, waiting to meet a "partner in crime" a fellow social media/marketing mad scientist for a chamber of commerce project... Spending a "Santa-given" gift certificate on a healthy breakfast and a steamy cup of "mudslide" coffee... So far we're off to a good start.

This is the week I'm told I'll be informed who gets the job I interviewed for. The folks I've consulted with, and shared my desire for the position with have all overwhelmingly thought I'd be a great choice. Of course, that's just the public opinion poll lol. But, those are all folks who are in on the deal and know the project and know me. So, I hope that bodes well. I'm beginning to get a little anxious. I've been acting "as-if" I'm the guy (if only in my mind) in an effort to be ready to hit the ground running and keep a positive, optimistic mind-set.

I wish I were a simpler person, when it comes to my mind and how I process things. It seeems like it would be really great if I could go through this process with little mental and emotional strain. It hasn't been a nightmare, but I find that I have to work hard to keep it real, and keep from worrying or projecting negative outcome.

Meanwhile, I am acting "as-if" at my current job, pressing on with several events and projects here in the new year. That's not easy, considering how much I've prepared for the new gig and how hopeful and excited I am. This new job will really change our lives, and I feel fairly ready for that change.

2012 is off to a strong start with my real estate work. I have two listing appointments this week and hopefully two more later this month. I'm looking to have an excellent year in real estate. Cutting back some of the "extra stuff" will result in more time for focus on work and family.

Surrender as been the topic at the last two noon meetings I've attended. I've been paying attention, and talking about how we need to surrender to so much more than just our alcoholism andd addictions. I must surrender to situations where I have no control. I must surrender to the fact that people aren't going to do what I want them to. I must surrender with the Serenity Prayer to accept the things I cannot change... The good news is that when I surrender, I merely recognize my lack of control and can then turn everything over to God and do the next right thing.

The meetings have been very good for me to share, sit and listen in. I think this is a timely topic. Surrender is always a timely topic.

Getting to know you...

2012-01-08T10:30:00.000-05:00

I'm watching the Republicans on Meet the Press and in an effort to stay sane, I thought I'd do a little blogging as well lol. (politics is maddening isn't it?)

My friend MC tagged me with the "Versatile Blogger Award" the other day, and I'd like to take time to respond to that in an effort to let me readers get to know me better. (aren't you the lucky ones?? lol) The award asks me to list seven things about myself and tag three other Versatile Bloggers to do the same.

1) Because of AA and the lesson of service, I have become quite fond of volunteering and working in my community. (so much so that I often spread myself too thin) AA taught me balance, and so now I've begun trimming back my extra-curricular activities.
2) I LOVE social media and technology. I am using social media to build my real estate business and I'm working to become a credible consultant in the field. So far I've resisted the temptation to monetize this blog.
3) Thanks to my son Ian, I got into tropical fishkeeping about four years ago (against my wife's hesitancy and better judgement). Now she's as addicted as I am. There is nothing quite like relaxing near a beautiful aquarium with a book or laptop and a cup of coffee.
4) I've discovered that I can easily get two brewing cycles through one K-Cup on our Keurig and still have a great cup of coffee. (I'm frugal!)
5) I'm a really great mix of "conservative" and "liberal" when it comes to commerce/development and our environment and human capital. (I think that makes me "normal"?)
6) I don't do resolutions, I make decisions I can quickly take action on, one day at a time (again, thanks AA!)
7) I love to write creatively. Having said that, I've been on a bit of a "dry spell" of late but I hope that shall pass soon. I think that once I pare down my outside obiligations, my creativity will return.

So, there's some info about me. I read several blogs, and I know sometimes bloggers view this exercise as a bit of a drag, but it's good for the readers out here to get to know who's behind the screen. I would like to tag three great bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award: Julie over at Sober Julie; Steve over at The Fourth Dimension; and Leslie over at Moondustwriter's Blog.
Julie is versatile, energetic and oh, so sober. There's always something ineteresting going on with her. Steve is another dynamo, writing beautifully about his experiences with music, in sobriety. Leslie writes so beautifully, and inspires me to do the same.

MC, thank you very much for passing this along to me. Everyone, enjoy getting to know my friends!

The most important decision...

2012-01-06T13:46:00.003-05:00

Today's reading (Jan 6th) in the 24 Hrs a Day book is my favorite. My first sponsor assigned this reading as a daily reminder, and with that single suggestion, he quite probably saved my butt. I learned early on that sobriety HAS to come before everything else in my life, if I am to have a reasonably happy, serene life.

Here's the "AA Thought For the Day" for January 6th...

"A.A. Thought for the Day

Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing. Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?"

My whole life changed when I learned this lesson. I firmly believe that my recovery from drug addiction and alcoholism began when I accepted this truth for myself. This has proven to be true in my life. All the meaningful things and people in my life would be somehow missing, limited or damaged if I were drinking and drugging. That's the plain truth for me. The meditation and prayer for the day are also excellent, and helpful.

Here is a link to the entire reading: http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/thought.view?catId=1901

I encourage you to visit the site and read it. If you're new and/or struggling to get and stay sober, I encourage you to print this off and keep it in your pocket. Post it someplace you'll see it each morning and night. Read it often, refer to it especially in times of temptation or difficulty. I did, and it has made all the difference.

My friend MC awarded me with the "Versatile Blogger" award, which requires me to write 7 things about myself, and tag three other "Versatile Bloggers" to do the same. I'm going to tackle this one over the weekend. I really appreciate MC's recognition. She has been a real inspiration during the almost six years I've had my blog here. She is a special lady and a wonderful person. Thanks MC!

Simply Sober

2012-01-05T09:47:00.001-05:00

Today, right now, in the midst of all the "life stuff" I am taking a quiet moment with HP via this blog and a bit of prayerful reflection. I MUST have calm and serenity or I lose myself in the buzz of the day.

Tomorrow is my favorite reading in the "24 Hours a Day" book from Hazelden. I know it's not "AA Approved" literature, but wow this little book has been helpful in my recovery. At any rate, my first sponsor gave it to me nearly 16 years ago and instructed me to read Jan 6th every day, along with the daily reading for whatever date it happened to be.

So, without going into much detail, I invite you all to find a copy and read Jan 6th. Tomorrow we'll chat a bit about the reading and what it means for you and me. I'd love to hear what you think about this over the next couple of days.

I'm going to go sip coffee and pray/reflect for a few minutes before continuing my day. I am so grateful for a personal relationship with my HP (God/Jesus) today. I have the program and fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous to thank for this gift.

decisions

2012-01-03T18:40:00.002-05:00

Today was the first day back to work since 12/22/11. I did go in for a couple hrs Fri morning, and also met with my outgoing board president for lunch but it was low-key, hardly counted as work. After all the travel, I could've used another day or two to get more organized and rested at home but it did feel good to get back to being more busy and "on task" so to speak.

I've never been one for resolutions, so I don't have that to share with you. But, I have made couple decisions that should have a positive impact on my life in 2012. I am back on my diet, effective yesterday. I gained a little weight (not nearly as much as I thought I might) between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so it's time to hunker down and blow off another 40 to 50 lbs. (I had lost about 50 lbs in 2011) So, that's one decision, and I am on my way.

The other decision I've made is to scale back my "extemporaneous obligations. " I am spread way too thin. I decided this fall that I wouldn't return for another year with our high school marching band in 2012. I've also decided that I will not return to coach little league baseball this spring/summer. This YMCA basketball team may be the last one I coach. Those are difficult decisions because I love them both so much. But, I am way too busy, and way out of balance. And once I get this new job, I am going to have to really narrow my focus down to include Rotary, work, Scouts and religious ed. If I get the new job, I'll probably have to drop religious ed as well. I am also looking for help with my Webelos den from some of the other adults so I can relieve that burden as well.

I love giving to my community, and working with youth. I love to teach and coach. I can still help out once and awhile, but I cannot continue to commit to being "the guy." Being sober is all about learning balance. I've figured out how much is too much and now it's time to be true to Scott (and my family) and reduce my committments to a manageable level. I've been praying and reflecting on this as I prepare to take the new job (assuming they offer it to me). I want to be able to give them 110%+ once its time to begin.

I am grateful that AA taught me the importance, value and benefit of service. I got really busy for a few years in the AA service structure serving as GSR and as an area officer. I learned that I don't always play well with others, and I learned that I don't have to be everything to everyone. Through service work, I am now much better at being a part of a team and being a servant. I spent so much of my life taking and living just for me that I've developed this belief that "I owe." So, over the past few years, I've been giving back. Now its time to find that balance between work, family and community.

Thank God I have AA, HP and you folks to help me with these decisions.

another day sober

2011-12-30T08:53:00.002-05:00

Thanks to all of your for your words of encouragement and kindness! It means alot to read your comments. I am grateful to have friends in recovery here in the blogosphere.

The interview went well yesterday. I came prepared and represented myself well. The primary facilitator, who I'd be replacing gave me some very positive feedback on the way out the door. He said I'll hear something in about a week. Now that I've had nearly 24 hours to self-mutilate and consider everything I wish I'd said and hadn't said, I still think I did pretty well. (I have to remember that the committee between my ears tends to be fairly harsh during the evaluation process lol) I'm already having a certain "buyer's remorse" and apprehension about the job itself. It's a big job, a demanding job in a somewhat unfamiliar field with regard to the content of the project I'd be leading. There is a lot riding on the success of the project for our entire area. The good news is that I can and will learn the details, it's what I've always done. The skill set is the same one I'm employing now, and have always employed to reasonable success in my career. It's all in the hands of the board and my HP. I feel good about my effort and preparation, and I am grateful to have had the opportunity for this experience! As with evertyhing in life, I learned a bit about myself through this process, and that's what it's all about.

We head to Toledo for Christmas parts 2 & 3 later this afternoon. My parents spilt when I was in high school, so I get the benefit of two Christmases with my family. Since getting sober, this has been more of a benefit, and less of an opportunity for dysfunction. I haven't been the source of insanity among my people in years and that's wonderful! Its been a real whirlwind with our trip to WV, Christmas, interview and associated prep work and now the trip to Toledo. It feels good to be "in the stream of life" (ALL IN lol). Thankfully, I have Monday off work to spend down time with the fam and recouperate. I've beeen on vacation since last Fri, but today I have a lunch meeting and I plan to hit the office for a couple hours to eliminate a couple piles and get organized. I'm not technically working, right?

I'll be offline until Sunday night or Monday so I'll make my New Year wishes now... Please be safe, be sober, have fun, give someone you love a hug and a kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve and here'ss to a blessed and prosperous 2012! 2011 was sure a great year, thanks to God, AA and the amazing people in my life!

2011-12-29T09:25:00.001-05:00

Today is a big day... I have a significant job interview in about an hour, and I am sitting in a favorite coffee house putting the finishing touches on my preparation. At this point, it's up to me to trust my preparation and have faith that HP will give me the necessary strength and vision to do well. I have to deliver and "close the deal."

My main concern at this point is to be at peace, well thought out in my responses and present myself well in the interview. So, I'm breathing, relaxing, reading up on the job and going through interview questions in my mind. I'm also taking care not to over-caffeinate.

The position I am interviewing for is a very meaningful one (to me, anyway). If they hire me, I'll be leading the commission that is working to restore a large nearby lake to environmental and economic health. I am blown away that I am even trying this, and that I am considered to be a top candidate. This all goes back to my sobriety. My life has changed in such a profound way over the past 15+ years. I cannot even imagine living how I once lived, and I am so grateful. Regardless of how this turns out, I am truly blessed. This opportunity is a very good one for my family and my career, and we really need a financial boost. So there's alot riding on this morning.

I hope and pray that al of you are finding the amazing gratitude in your lives, that I am finding in mine. I pray that miracles continue in your recovery, I know they sure continue in mine. Thank God for AA, sobriety and my life today!

Christmas week gratitude

2011-12-22T10:21:00.002-05:00

Today is my last official day of work for the year. I will be puttering about next Thursday and/or Fri, but that will be "incognito" and unofficial. I've got some piles I really need to devour before we get into the new year lol.

Tomorrow we head to WV or Christmas with my wife's family. We always have a nice visit with them, very relaxing. We head to Toledo next Fri afternoon for Christmas with my peeps all weekend. That will be a nice trip as well, since I presently have NO drama going on with my family right now.

I have an interview for a new career position next Thursday morning. I am preparing like a laser-focused madman and I intend to come away with the position. I am passionate about the work, excited, confident and I have a strong network that's behind me 110%. The position appears to have been developed specifically for my skill set, so I am treating it as mine to lose. I love the fact that it involves working in nature and conservation and combines my loves of public service, marketing, sales, business, economic development, and people all into one, big ball of opportunity. I don't really wish to say anything in any detail for fear of a search engine coming along and somehow tying my blog into the mix.

This Christmas will be my 16th sober Christmas. I can still recall my final couple drunk/drugged holidays and I am amazed at how my life has changed. The metamorphosis is indescribably remarkable. Each year at this time I feel compelled to reflect on the miracle of my life. So much good has come from God's gift of sobriety in my life. We have a son who's 10, I have a wife who's about to enjoy her 13th sober Christmas. We have a home, we've managed to avoid losing it and filing banruptcy. We're healthy, we have family that welcomes us into their homes. We have so much to be thankful for and we're about to celebrate all of that here in the coming days with family and friends.

Most of all, I am grateful for God and AA. Without a Higher Power of my understanding to carry me through the rough times, and bless me with His Grace, I'd be lost. Without you folks in AA to help me stay on the beam, I'd be lost. I am grateful that through His Grace and your help, holiday anxiety is dissipating as we speak. Those things that are most important are front and center right now.

Be well, thank your HP and tell him/her how much you love him/her!

holiday anxiety

2011-12-18T21:21:00.001-05:00

I'm having my usual difficulty getting my gift-giving stuff together again this Christmas. I was going to do some kind of nifty thoughtful craft-type thing with Ian for my wife and that didn't really manifest itself. I looked for candle-making supplies and tried to conceive a clever plan and it didn't work out. Ian ended up doing a chalk drawing of a fish tank full of a bunch of fish we're going to buy for her when we get back home from our Christmas travels. I suppose that will have to do as far as the creativity part goes lol.

I don't know, it just seems as if each year I get a little less into the gift-giving thing and have more and more trouble finding something for my wife. We pledge not to buy much for each other and she's certainly not a high maintenance gal. But, I seem to develop this "analysis/paralysis" anxiety and get brain freeze when it comes to clever or meaningful gifts. Sometimes, I wish Christmas would just go away lol. I'm just not big on the gift deal I guess, I don't know. Do any of you struggle with this stuff?

I know that Christmas isn't supposed to be all about that, and hopefully I'll get something figured out before we leave for West Virginia on Friday. Thankfully, I don't have any real drama associated with Christmas any more. My familt is a wee on the dysfunctional side, but everyone seems to be behaving right now, so that's good. And, it's been a long time since I've craved a drink or a drug at the holidays. So truly I have much to be thankful for.

Maybe I will just focus on that, and see what comes. I think part of my problem is that I'm too busy right now. On top of the commitments I have, I am working on an exciting career opportunity managing the restoration of a major lake in our area. The lake has been beset with some serious pollution issues that have arisen from a combination of local farm runoff, residential development and the unique features of the lake and its watershed. The newly formed restoration commission recently created a position for someone to come in a manage all of the various lake restoration projects, deal with various governmental, businesses and private entities. Thankfully, all the science-type folks are already in place. They now need a business person/liason/project mgr/cheerleader/coodinator with passion and people skills (that's where I come in). Wish me luck! This will be an exciting, interesting position that comes with a nice salary upgrade.

the most important person... (besides me, of course)

2011-12-14T07:22:00.000-05:00

We've had a fairly steady trickle of newcomers to our meetings this year. Living in a small rural community, we have small meetings. So, we're truly blessed when a newcomer arrives to give AA a try. Now that I've been coming around AA for a few 24 hrs, I really appreciate when someone new comes into our meeting.

I've been blessed with consistent sobriety for over 15 years. So, it would be easy for me to forget what it was like to be newly sober in AA. I remember what the folks told me when I first arrived. "Don't forget where you came from." At this time, I had no clue what they meant. They would put an occasional twist on it like "If you can't remember your last drunk, you haven't had it yet." I didn't want to go back to drinking and using drugs, so I vowed to never forget.

I can still vividly recall my final outing. I can still vividly recall early AA meetings, and the characters I met there that helped me find my way. I remember being unconvinced that I was an alcoholic/addict. I recall having to ask in a meeting how you know if you are or not. I can still see the face of old Roger F (now deceased) when he told me to try controlled drinking. "Go out and have one of two beers and that's it, no more. Try this for a few nights, or over a couple weeks." My mind immediately confirmed that I could do this without a problem, so I must be fine. He must've read my mind because his next sentence froze me, stopped me dead and brought me to that gut/heart level acceptance required to take the first half of Step 1. (I was already well aware of my life's unmanageability.) He said, "Have one or two drinks like this, and be satisfied."

I had my answer immediately. There was enough self-honesty in me to know I couldn't be satisfied. I didn't even understand what he meant, because I'd never been truly satisfied with controlling my drinking. In fact, the times when I could control what or how much I drank, smoked or inhaled were growing fewer and further between.

So when I see, meet, or listen to a newcomer in a meeting. I am always brought back to some vivid recollection of early recovery. I love to see and help newcomers. I love to hear their stories and find my own in theirs. I love seeing the "pink cloud" appear, and then vanish as everything becomes more real over time. I especially enjoy seeing a newcomer collect a milestone token, and cease being a "newcomer" from the persepctive of the calendar.

While my heart breask for them when they vanish, I hope and pray I never become the "old-time" who refuses to let newcomers into his heart for fear of being hurt if/when they vanish. I pray that God continues to send newcomers to us, that we continue to attract, comfort and assist those who come into our lives.

acceptance and gratitude

2011-12-11T08:32:00.001-05:00

This has been one of those frustrating weeks where some accumulated debris has choked the stream of life and I'm spending a wee too much time focusing on the negatives in my life and not working to accept them and celebrate that which I am grateful for. Too much fear and anxiety, not enough peace and gratitude.

So, here's a written effort to do just that...

Today, I accept our financial picture, bleak as it is. Today I accept that I've over obligated myself to too many volunteer activities. I will fulfill my obligations and take on no new ones. Today, I accept that Christmas is coming in 14 days and I still have much to do to prepare. Today I accept that I need to continue to press on to find a better-paying job. Today I accept that I need to push myself to develop more real estate business. While I don't much care for any of these circumstances in my life right now, I must accept them or be driven mad by them. Today I accept that I am still more overweight than I had wanted to be at this point and I still have more weight loss to accomplish.

Today I am grateful to be sober and in reasonably good health. Today I am grateful to have lost 37 lbs since the start of the year. Today, I am grateful to have my real estate license and 4, almost 5 closed deals since getting busy this spring. Today, I am grateful to have a wife who supports me and loves me even though we continue to struggle financially. Today I am grateful to even have a job and be able to service our debt. Today I am grateful that I love the work I do and that it will lead to something more financially rewarding. Today I am grateful that I still have 14 days to get ready for Christmas. Today I am grateful that I have a family to enjoy Christmas and New Year's with. Today I am grateful that I am going to Mass and that I have AA metings to attend.

HP, thank You for the blessings in my life, I know that all good gifts come from you. I pray for the strength and grace to carry on just for today. I pray for my friend Kent who suffered a massive heart attack Weds and is not expected to live. Please be with his family, as this must be an awful time for his kids and wife. I pray that I may be of service to You by loving those around me. Show me You will and I will apply myself to it. Thank You for another sober day.

God/HP doing for me what I could not do for myself...

2011-12-08T06:14:00.001-05:00

As my longer-term readers are aware, I converted to Catholicism back in 2007 and my Catholic faith has become an important component in my recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction. Part of my ministry is to teach religious education to the junior high and high school students in our parish.

Last evening a began a four part series with my high school boys entitled "Is this thing on, am I connected??" I plan to present and discuss various ways we can stay connected to our HP (God/Jesus/Holy Spirit) on a daily basis and live our faith. Last evening was our Vigil Mass celebrating the Immaculate Conception of Mary and that cut into class time significantly. So, I only had time for an opening discussion and an overview before the evening was over. We talked about the meaning of spiritual connection and gave various examples of what we can do on a personal level. And a we discussed, I found myself relating to the boys, and they in kind responded to me, and together we shared a few basic important points on how to grow in faith (all things I needed to get back to doing myself, funny how HP work, right). God had begun doing His work in me.

Now understand that last night, I had come to Mass last evening feeling fairly beaten down and mistreated by the world. I've been working on the2012 budget at the chamber of commerce I operate. I've been watching our personal savings (which has served as a supplement to our insufficient income) dwindle at the hands of the debt I'd accumulated when I started a business back in 2006. I'd come to a disparate, spiritually disconnected place by the end of the work day last night. I could no longer contain my frustration with things and I ranted loudly to my wife about everything from our money, to the chamber's money, to how I don't feel that I am getting a fair shake in life and "why must I struggle, considering all the good works I do in the community, and how well I serve God?" It was a right proper pity party complete with colorful adjectives, ridiculous expectations and over-reactive emotion. It's a bitch being an imperfect human, right? Thankfully, my wife listened and allowed me my insanity. She's pretty good like that. I was insane.

Well, at Mass last night, I felt a strong sense of emotion and gratitude welling up inside as we prayed for, praised and honoured Mary, Mother of God. I hadn't felt so connected at Mass in quite some time, despite my present lack of emotional and spiritual sobriety. After Mass, we had class, and I was feeling better. After class, one of the boys (who is also one of my band kids) asked me if he could ask a serious question about a bible passage he had been reading that had to do with God's covenant with man, etc. He asked me "How do I express my love to God?" Of course, I froze... and then God used me to answer his question. And not only was I answering his question, I was hearing myself answer my own dilemma. Everything I needed to hear came out of my own mouth, thanks to God and the Holy Spirit.

We talked about Jesus's commandment to love others as he has loved us. We talked about how important it is for us to give WITHOUT thought or expectation for ANYTHING in return, including financial rewards or the reward of everlasting life. God asks us to love Him with all of our heart, mind, soul, etc. He asks us to spend our earthly lives helping Him by loving the least among us. He gives us everything we need and all we have to do is choose to love Him and live His will. Now, the natural result of this level of love (agape love) is that we find ourselves in God's presence here on earth, and right beside him in His kidngom after death. Our real, true purpose is to "fit ourselves to be of use to God and those around us" and the Big Book tells us this very fact.

By the time we finished, I was overwhelmed with the whole conversation, and found myself close to tears as I watched my student's "lights come on before my eyes." Our conversation was an extension of the chat we'd had as a class as my self-proclaimed (and truly well intended) young athiest tried to trap me with the giving/receiving question. Only a couple hours earlier I had been ranting about the unfairness of life, and how I don't feel like I am being duly rewarded for my profound level of goodness, "good-works-doing" and "giving-ness." God at that very moment, through my students was absolutely doing the very things I promised the boys He would do if we simply reach out to Him and then keep our eyes open for the answers. God was helping me, and using me to help myself as I was trying to help the kids. He was giving me the very rewards I was telling the boys we'd get if we simply go out and love Him by loving and serving others.

I was and am still blown away by what happened last night. I am grateful to be able to discern my HP and His efforts to help me. I am grateful for his help. I am ashamed of my attitude, and disturbed that I allow myself to become so full of self while I think I'm trying to do good and love God. I am grateful for my faith, and for the humility that has come to me. I am grateful that I can get better. I am grateful that I can (and must) reconcile myself to my HP and begin anew, with renewed hope and energy to seek God's will today.

action steps...

2011-12-07T08:24:00.001-05:00

I've settled into my fave local coffee shop for a morning work session with one of my chamber members. We're working on rolling out a new social media/mobile marketing campaign in the chamber, and we're working on developing a partnership whereby I can become a marketing/PR consultant with his business. It's going to be a couple of real social media/marketing mad scientists. Let the caffeine flow!

I've decided to try some of these little mini Advent "surprise challenges" from the busted halo Advent calendar (www.bustedhalo.com). Yesterday I called my dad and step-mom to just have a nice conversation, tell them I love them, etc. This was suggested as an activity a few days ago. My dad, step mom and I have never had a really warm, loving well-communicated relationship. We get laong fine and all that, but there has never been a reall closeness, a warmth. And there has been much dysfunction over the years between his alcoholism and mine, and her need for Al-Anon. So, it was with much trepidation that I dialed the number and called. It was a nice chat and no one got hurt, no fur flew, lol. I guess I need to reach out a little more often. I'll call mom today. We're really very close and I treasure our relationship, so that's an easy call.

I'm still putting off looking myself in the mirror and telling myself "I love you." I think I better go see father and get Reconciled to my HP.

having faith...

2011-12-06T06:25:00.001-05:00

I'm up early for Rotary and work so I figured I'd knock out a post...

As many of my readers know, I struggle with over committing myself to various volunteer and service activities. I suppose that if I'm going to mess up, too much giving is not a bad area to mess up in. Last year, against my better judgement, I signed up to be an asst. coach on Ian's YMCA basketball team. I ended up being paired with a great basketball coach, we had plenty of parental help and it was a great season for all. So this year, I signed up to assist once again and I am the only coach out of 37 teams to not have an assistant lol. You can put what I know about basketball fundamentals and coaching in a thimble and still have room for coffee.

I'm committed (or should be lol) to the Y and the team so there's certainly no thought of backing out. but I have to say that I am a bit apprehensive about the coming season. I've solicited help from the guy I coached with last year for drills, plays, etc. He said "anytime" so I will hold him to that. I just hope and pray I can give the boys a good season of instruction, fun and sportsmanship.

I believe I owe. Yea, I owe as in financial debt, most of us do. But I believe I owe a bigger debt, to God and society. I spent years as a taker, a self-centered alcoholic and addict in the extreme. So today, much of my life is focused on trying to be a giver. I haven't turned into Mother Teresa or anything, no danger there. But I've discovered in AA and in my Catholic faith that God (HP) seeks our service to carry out His will and to help those around us who need it. I feel as if I owe a debt because I spent so many years being a sick taker, a slacker, a cheat, a thief. I don't know that I will ever truly repay, that's up to God. But I do know that when I try to align my will to a life of service, things seem to be decent.

I worry at times (like right now as our savings depletes) about money and finances. And, I work hard at giving my employer more than they (I work for a board) pay for. I continually seek better opportunities for my family. I deal ethically in business, in everything. I try to remember to apply the same principle of service to my vocation as I do to volunteering. But, I still struggle with self-centeredness, and we're still struggling with finances.

I guess my message to me is to have faith that God will provide. This year I've been feeling as if good things are just around the next bend. I went through a good interview process for a really great, more public career position, and ended up coming in behind a few more qualified candidates. And, I am getting ready for another interview process for an even higher profile public job, so who knows where that will lead. All I know is that I must live in today, keep my expetations low, my hopes high and have faith that God will put me where He needs me. That will be good enough for me, and I pray I may accept whatever happens.

All you need is love?

2011-12-05T07:39:00.001-05:00

Today's Advent calendar surprise on www.bustedhalo.com has me thinking... The little micro action items suggests that I tell myself "I love you..."

I remember the first time that was suggested to me in a men's closed discussion AA meeting. I nearly died. They actually thought it would be a good idea (let alone even possible) for me to stand in front of a mirror and look myself in the eye and say "I love you." I've tried this exercise at various times over the years I've been sober and I can't say I've ever found it easy to do. It has been a long time since I even tried, and given the acumulation of un-reconciled missteps, I'm not sure I could look myself dead in the eye and honestly say it without some level of discomfort.

There are still things I need (and almost want) to improve in myself. I know I have the Twelve Steps to use for self-improvement. And, my faith provides me with a magnificent tool (the Sacrament of Reconciliation) for self-acceptance and improvement. None of this work is ever easy and is often unpleasant, but I know the results are more than worth it. I've always struggled with accurate, humble self-appraisal, due to my tendency to be overly hard on myself at times. And of course, I can also turn right around and give myself a pass where I ought to hold myself more accountable.

Thankfully, AA introduced me to an HP that forgives indiscretion if I come to Him with contrite heart and earnest desire to grow closer in my relationship with Him. I've learned that it's important for me to align my will with His will in order to remain sober and at peace in my daily life. And, I've learned that the best and highest use of my will is to love Him and in serving Him, to love others. This is no small task for the self-centered alcoholicc/addict, but I'm better than I used to be. I've learned that it begins and ends with love. I think perhaps John Lennon had it right!

Social media has changed everything...

2011-12-04T09:44:00.001-05:00

I'm taking this You Tube video at face value... young man reaches out

I saw it on the facebook page of a young friend, and it really moved me. I'm praying for this young man (Jonah). People shouldn't have to have pain like this in their lives, especially so young. I hope that my boy never has to feel the way Jonah does. I pray that Ian and I have a stong enough relationship that he can feel confident in coming to me for anything. This little video has really struck me.

Today's Advent calendar on www.bustedhalo.com instructs us to call our parents to tell them how grateful we are for everything they've sacrificed for us. I pray that everyone has the type of relationship that I have with my mom and dad that they can amke that phone call. I will be calling my parents today. I am grateful we can talk and be honest, and I am grateful for the life they gave me growing up.

Today is another awesome sober day. I have the choice today to follow God's will for me (assuming I can discern what that might be), or to simply follow my own designs. I know from experience that in order to stay sober today, I must turn to my HP and ask Him to remove my obsession to drink and use drugs. I must seek His will and guidance if I am to have a day of peace, acceptance and love.

Be well, God Bless, don't drink and go to meetings! More will be revealed!

Expansion

2011-12-03T08:24:00.001-05:00

I'm a social media junkie, marketer and general people person by profession. And to that end, I've been unable to resist the temptation to broaden my sphere of online sobriety contacts/influence. So, I created a twitter account for my sobriety/recovery blogging. If you want to follow along and see who we meet out there, my new twitter handle is "sobernuggets" (total shock, right?)

I haven't decided if I want to make a google+ page and/or a facebook page. I already have plenty of that going on with my real estate, marketing consulting and chamber of commerce work. But, I thought it would be interesting to see who I could meet out there in the "twitter-verse." There are sober peeps everywhere, and hopefully in time, some of the twitter folks wil visit my blog and we can all get to know them and share our messages of hope and recovery.

Our annual men's AA winter retreat is coming up next month and BOY OH BOY am I ready for an intensive weekend of recovery, wow! There's just something amazing about spending a weekend in a spiritual retreat center with men in recovery. Meetings are great, but the retreat experience takes recovery to such a personal, intensive level. If you've never tried a retreat, I highly recommend it!

Mama bear was recently hired as the high school asst swim coach and she is off to her first meet this morning. So, Ian and I will put up the outdoor Christmas lights and do some shopping today. That ought to pass the time untl she returnss this afternoon.

I hope y'all have a blessed day!

2011-12-02T08:36:00.001-05:00

Good morning from one of my favorite haunts, a coffee shop in the next town up the road from where I live and work. I come here early on days where I have meetings up here so I can grab some peace, coffee and "think time."

The photo is kinda dark and blurry, like me this morning... I've missed you folks, and I am happy to be back at it again. I guess we have to step back and take an accounting from time to time in an effort to assess what's really meaningful. (next time I need to keep blogging while I reassess lol)

We're full on into the Advent season, one of my favorite times of the year. While the secular side of Christmas can be suprememly stressful financially, emotionally, logistically and every other -ly, it's no mistake that we're called to take time right now to prepare spiritually for what's about to happen at Christmas. I'm following the Advent calendar on a Catholic website called www.bustedhalo.com. Today's message for me is a simple one: "Bring a hopeful word to someone's rainy day."

Today I have hope in the simple message of recovery from alcoholism and addiction. If I simply give my addiction and alcoholism (and truly everything else) to God today, and seek His will, I'll remain sober for today. God's will for me is simple, to serve him by helping others. By giving to others, we receive God's Grace. I must have faith that this is how it works. This worked for me in getting sober nearly 16 years ago, and it still works today in sobriety and in other areas of my life if I just have faith and apply it.

Be well, enjoy this day and help another without thought for yourself!

A day at a time...

2011-12-01T08:03:00.003-05:00

It's a beautfully frosty, snow-covered morning in west central Ohio... I'm not a really huge fan of winter because I prefer warmer weather. But, there's no denying the beauty of this time of year.

I'm reminded that there are bigger things happening than just my worries and concerns.

Gosh, where to begin? I've stepped away from posting on this blog for awhile to catch my breath and get/keep some other plates spinning. I have a bad habit of "over-involving" myself and have spent some time re-assessing my priorities and sorting out my activities. That continues to be a work in progress, but I'm gaining perspective on where I need to focus my energies. This blog continues to be important to me from a spiritual perspective, and I miss my blogging friends.

So, for a day at a time, I will continue posting here.

Part of the challenge is that I have developed a blog for my real estate business and I am in the process of building a social media/PR/marketing consulting business. I've had to remove this blog from my original google account in order to keep this one separate and anonymous from all my other online efforts. So, if I show up on your blog commenting, look for the lighthouse and you'll know it's me.

Thanks to those of you who have commented and kept in touch during my little vacation lol. It's comforting to have friends out there, and there's just nothing quite like the connections we make in recovery.

God Bless... I'll be seeing you around!

Shutting Down

2011-10-31T18:57:00.002-05:00

I'm considering ending my blog. (Given the lack of posts over the past couple of months, you may have already figured that out) First of all, sobriety is going well, the family is happy and healthy and everything seems to be alright, except I've hardly been writing at all.

I'm thinking about a new blog, something entirely different and a little less anonymous, therefore, non AA-related. I don't know. I've been so doggone busy the past few months, I'm not sure what I want to do. The marching band season ended Friday evening with our final football game. We didn't qualify to compete at State Finals so our season is effectively over, except for one little parade on the 12th. I notified the band director and the kids that this is my final year with them. I cannot commit to another July-Nov 1st like this again. It's just too much with a full-time gig, doing real estate and having a family. It was a really tough decision, to give up working with the kids but I had to do it. I'lll still help out now and again, and I will see the kids around town.

As for the blogging, right now I'm just not sure. I'm going to let the dust settle and make a decision shortly.

Be well, and thanks for reading!

Road Trip!!

2011-09-03T07:13:00.003-05:00

Mama bear went to visit her mom and dad in WV, so this weekend Ian and I are heading to western NY, where I grew up. Ian has never been to see where I was raised, so we're going to have some quality dad-kid time on the6+ hr drive over. We'll visit some family in Buffalo, hopefully see the falls (Naigra Falls, that is), do some exploring around where I grew up (dairy country, VERY rural), and come home with a Kia full of drums.

Yep, drums! My uncle passed in 2007, he was a drummer among other things. My aunt offered me his drum set (I'd wanted to play them since I was a kid). Ian wants to be a drummer, I want a set of drums, so we're grabbing them while we're there. What an adventure!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, we'll catch up with you on the flip side, time to hit the road!

Be well, God bless!

attitude adjustment

2011-08-31T04:30:00.002-05:00

Monday's gratitude was good for Monday. But yesterday I proved that you simply cannot live on yesterday's sobriety. I got out the door quickly and early, but didn't allow myself proper time for prayer and spiritual connection. So, when I got in a hurry thanks to a rambling speaker at Rotary, I allowed the unimportant details of the morning to get me off-kilter and out of sorts. I began to focus on my busy schedule and fairly empty checkbook and that added to my personal insanity. I completely lost my focus on gratitude until later in the day when it occured to me that I needed to change my focus, or risk causing myself problems.

Later in the afternoon, I took just a little time for myself and worked to focus on the good things in my life and I felt better. I hadn't solved anything, or increased my wealth. I hadn't made anyone see my point or agree with me. I merely adjusted how I was looking at things and my aittitude imporved almost immediately.

You really can (and should) begin your day again if your attitude is less than ideal. God gave us the amazing gift of free will but it's up to us to use it to good purpose.

Monday musings...

2011-08-29T05:03:00.002-05:00

As I went through my morning awakening, I was reminded by my HP that gratitude is one of the best ways to combat the behaviours that can lead me back to drinking. It just popped into my head as I read a little card I keep handy at my desk. The front of the card contains what I know as "The Optimist Creed" from my days in the Optimist International Organization. (search Optimist Creed on Google and keep it handy) The back of the card contains a list of feelings I try to foster within myself each day. One of those feelings is gratitude, and that's the one that came upon me this morning.

Just for today, I am grateful for...

Awakening
Time in a quiet house with Cosmo and my HP
Fresh fruit
Losing over 50 lbs this summer
Calm in the face of a difficult financial time
Noon meetings
Upcoming road trip to Buffalo, just Ian and me
Good communication with my wife
A neat garage
A weekend of accomplished honey-dos
No hangovers
Real friends
Irene wasn't as nasty as she was forecast to be
The coming conclusion of an especially expensive copier lease after 63 months
My career appears to be going well, slowly but surely

Sometimes, I allow myself to become too busy. One of the things I've discovered about myself since going to work for the chamber of commerce is that I have a writer in me. Thanks to blogging and the writing I do for work, I definitely have a knack and a passion for writing. This is a good thing until I don't allow myself time to write. Then I feel "bottled up" and mentally constipated. So for today, I am going to allow myself time each day to write, either for pleasure or for business.

the recovery process: amends

2011-08-15T04:54:00.002-05:00

This stuff sort of popped into my mind while meditating this morning.

It's no mistake that Steps 8 and 9 follow Step 7 (other than the order of numbers, of course lol). What I mean is that the content of the 12 Steps is in the order it's in for a purpose. In Steps 8 and 9, we make a list of the people we've harmed, becoming willing to make amends to them, and then go out and make amends directly to those people. For the record, I'd like to consult dictionary.com.

amend:
"to change for the better; improve; to amend one's ways"
"to remove or correct faults in, rectify"
"to grow or become better be reforming oneself"

to make amends:
"to compensate, as for an injury, loss or insult"

amends:
"reparation or compensation for a loss, damage or injury of any kind; recompense"

The order of the Steps is important here because this process cannot happen in random fashion. Before we can make amends, we must first have an honest, reasonable opinon of ourselves. I had to know the truth about Scott before I could make efective amends (Steps 6 and 7). We gain humility by examining the details of our life (Steps 4 and 5) in an effort to determine where we've gone "off course" and why. In order to make amends, I have to know right from wrong, and how my behaviour fits into that scale. (Step 3, God's will for us) I have to have developed a "right-sized" opinion of myself. I have to know the truth about Scott, if I am to set myself free from making the same mistakes I've always made ( this is truly making amends).

Once we go through this process and being making amends, we begin to have a truer perspective of ourselves and of the world in which we live. And so then, real, lasting sobriety begins to take over and the promises (I think of them as results) from pg. 83 in our Big Book become apparent in our lives.

For me, my most important amends is to fix my relationship with God, and then with myself. I had spent a lifetime hurting and offending God, and hurting myself. However, it was much easier to make amends with those around me, and let the process of healing my relationship with God and myself take a longer course. I am still on that course of healing today. I believe this is a lifetime process. At least, that is how it is unfolding for me.

Thoughts?

Sunday stuff

2011-08-14T09:39:00.004-05:00

A local church held their annual "Summer Heat Show" last night and I took Ian along. The show is a fundraiser for a local food pantry, and features local bands (rock-n-roll/pop) from a small guitar studio in town. The bands are made up of junior high and high school kids from around the area. I wanted Ian to see what that was all about. Of course, he enjoyed it and now wants to play drums in a rock and roll band. I'm good with that lol.

Prior to the rock and roll show, our parish held our annual outdoor Mass and picnic. That was a really nice event. It wasn't overly hot, picnic food was good, fellowship was nice. I feel so connected to HP when I am outdoors, that the outdoor Mass is special to me. We haven't missed it in along time. I felt especially connected to God at Mass... I love that.

I took a new buyer client through an open house yesterday, we have another to visit today. I'm enjoying real estate and slowly, business is building. The plan is that someday real estate will be full time and I will eventually buy the business from the present owners. Right now, the focus in on one client at a time. Thankfully, I have a day job that provides a salary, even if it isn't enough to cover everything.

I plan to hit the noon meeting at least once this week, if not twice. I was unable to get there last week, due to an oversly busy schedule. Even at 15+ years sober, there's a need for meetings. If nothing else, I am reminded of what I have to look forward to if I go back to my old life of drinking and using drugs. Newcomers keep me coming back. I gain perspective on my life, and I am reminded of the solutions to life's challenges and opportunities. Meetings are still my vital link to a solid recovery. That will never change. I guess for me, meetings are a sort of beacon, or lighthouse to guide me through rough waters and into safe harbour.

Friday Flash 55, "growth, one day at a time"

2011-08-12T06:28:00.003-05:00

Waves wash over me, scrubbing with sand the embedded old ways I used to live. Cleanse me Lord, for I wish to follow your will today. Scour away my soiled past, to reveal what You wanted me to be all along. Now, my cross to bear is right-sized once again. I will follow you...

TGIF! What a week, whew! Today is the final day of band camp... It's been a blast, we're way ahead of last year at this time and I have loved it! I am glad it's almost over lol. It's been hectic trying to keep pace of the office this week with a crazy schedule. But it's worth it in the end.

A sober day today... That Friday Flash 55 piece above popped into my head when I saw that photo from vacation in the Outer Banks. I could feel the sand granules washing over me in the surf and it reminded me of how God gently uses our experiences, other people, pain, gratitude and a mix of many things to bring us back to Him, one day at a time. So today, pray that I allow God to continue to polish me by whatever means He sees fit. I pray that I might accept whatever He washes into my life. I will do the best with what I have, I will serve God and those around me.

Have a great Friday!

winds of change...

2011-08-10T06:24:00.002-05:00

We had a great weekend of camping and activities with 32 Webelos Scouts. It was hot and humid, and a nasty thunderstrom blew through to end things a little early on Sunday. But all in all the boys had a blast, and got LOTS of work done, earning 5 badges and 3 belt loops each. That was the final campout of the summer for us. Now we'll begin to have den meetings and get into the school year schedule.

Band camp is going well this week. The kids are way ahead of where we were last year. We already had pre-game on the field, marching with instruments. As of last night, we have 3 of our 4 contest tunes on the field, marching drill. Today, we finish the contest show. The weather has been cooperative, and the kids have a graet work ethic and level of focus this year.

I won't be able to hit the noon meeting this week due to band camp and work, so I've been working in a little extra prayer/quiet/reflection time in to support good emotional sobriety. I've also been reading a couple new books on personal spirituality in preparation for CCD. So, that has helped me stay on a reasonably even keel. This has resulted in a feeling of calm, peace and acceptance during a really busy time.

These personal spiritual efforts have also helped me not to begin worrying excessively over our finances. We're burning through savings and a less rapid clip than before, but it isn't going to last a lot longer. Thankfully, my real estate business is picking up so that has helped us. And, I have begun to feel a sense of change coming, as if perhaps a career change/job offer or some other long term financial stability opportunity is on the near horizon. Things just seem to be changing in my professional world, but I cannot put my finger on it. I think it's REALLY important right now for me to remain positive, have faith, do the next right thing so as to position myself to be ready to accept a positive change in our financial circumstances. So, I am focusing on gratitude and service to God and those around me (because I am taught that this is the proper use of my will, and is my true purpose).

indulge and pay

2011-08-05T20:23:00.003-05:00

It's been a hectic week, getting back in the groove and all but we've arrived at another Friday evening! We've had little rain here in Ohio and I had to tie back my tomatoes better now that they are LOADED with green fruit. So, I just finished spending some relaxing time getting my hands dirty, bent over re-staking tomatoes and watering my neglected gardens.

I'm disappointed in myself, I gave in to a craving today and had chinese buffet for lunch. I've been getting back on my diet program and adding exercise now, trying to work off the final 35 lbs or so and I'd gotten pretty well back into a good groove after vacation. Dammit, if I didn't give in and go indulge big time. No sense crying over spilled milk, and perhaps I'll be reminded of how awful I feel when I eat that stuff. I didn't do the rice, and I ate mostly protiens and veggies, but I know it's all pretty bad for me to be eating. I have to say that I did enjoy it, and I ate a pretty fair amount (buffet and all) lol.

This weekend I am camping with Ian and a few of the boys from my Webelos den (Cub Scouts). The food will be fairly spartan, so it won't be tough to get back on track. But, I do regret doing that today. And I was so flippin' tired this afternoon, OMG. I'll just have to work it off hiking and doing activities with the boys lol. That'll be my penance!

The whole episode reminded me of my efforts to quit smoking, and also when I was sobering up. It's all the same damn mental obsession, and maybe that's why I am so bummed that I caved in today. Ah well, something to remind me that I'll never be entirely rid of my alcoholic, addictive tendencies. So I suppose it was a relatively safe reminder of that, at the least!

you can always go home!

2011-08-04T07:54:00.004-05:00

As much as we enjoyed our trip to the Outer Banks in North Carolina, we always look forward to coming home. We're blessed to be living a wonderful life in a nice home with good friends, excellent AA meetings, great jobs in an amazing community. So, it's always good to return and get back into the groove.

Having said all that, the OBX is an amazing place to visit. We stayed in Kill Devil Hills, and visited sites as far south at the Oregon Inlet and ventured up to Duck. The beaches were awesome, Ian learnd how to boogie board and skim board in the surf, and no one got stung by a sea nettle (jellyfish) or attacked by a shark. (There have been a couple unfortunate run-ins with sharks along he NC coast in recent weeks, very disconcerting)

I took this photo while fishing on a pier in Kill Devil Hills, amazing sunrise wow! I had never fished in the ocean, so it was a really awesome experience. It's so still early in the morning, fishing there with all of the local "salty dogs." I caught two crabs, 5 spot and a pinfish. It was really kool!

I have managed to hit the ground running with regard to work and all the stuff going on right now. I really caught a nice "re-charge" on vacation and have returned ready to kick some serious butt! I've begun my 2nd year as the assistant marching band director at our high school and we're in the thick of summer rehearsals, with band camp beginning next week. Our real estate business has a couple homes under contract to be sold and I've attracted a couple new buyers so things appear to be hitting on all cylinders right not.

I had time to make the noon meeting yesterday, glad I did. Someone brought up the topic of self-pity and we had a nice discussion with many perspectives. For me, I have to be wary of spending too much time feeeling sorry for myself. During my time in AA, God and AAs have helped me realize that most of my troubles are of my own making AND I am self centered in the extreme. So, I am almost ALWAYS thinking about Scott, and that hasn't always been a recipe for success. I've learned that focusing on gratitude and helping others seems to be the best way for me to avoid the self pity merry go round.

The Daily Reflection for yesterday was about the principle in Step 7 that our ideal goal in life ought to be to "fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and to those around us." I try to follow this principle, but I must ALWAYS check my motives, that I am not really just trying to benefit myself by doing things for others. I must avoid self-seeking, and accept that I HP will provide for me if I am doing the next right thing. So I try daily to think of God first, those around me next, and myself third. I have yet to go hungry or file bankruptcy and when I am successful at this, I enjoy a greater peace of mind and less chaos.

It ain't easy... But it's really an ideal to strive for!

vacation!

2011-07-23T16:31:00.003-05:00

Well, tomorrow afternoon we head out for our vacation trip. We have some Cub Scout community service bright and early, then a Cub Scouting outing to a science museum in Dayton, then my wife picks us up there and it's on the road!

We're heading to Beckley, WV to visit her folks then on Tuesday morning we're driving down to the Outer Banks to spend the week there. We're going to be beach bums, visit a few things like all of the Kitty Hawk stuff, do some pier fishing and crabbing (and eat LOTS of seafood). I've never been to the OBX, and my wife has been dying to get back there for years. This will be our first vacation with just the three of us, and we're all looking forward to getting out of town and away from home for awhile. We'll be back home Monday evening after another overniter in Beckley to visit her folks again. It'll be a nice trip!

I don't know what the internet situation will be, but I'll try to pop on now and again to say hey. I am hoping to stumble across an AA meeting or two while we're down there, and we're really interested in seeing local things, not touristy things. So, I will check in with the Outer Banks Chamber of Commerce for all the tips on local things. I'm thinking it would be a nice upgrade to be the "chamber guy" at the Outer Banks! I love being the chamber guy here, so it would ahve to be awesome there, right??

came to believe

2011-07-20T15:32:00.000-05:00

A new-ish fellow at the noon group shared his experience and difficulties in "coming to believe" in a Higher Power, and asked for help with the process. He's been sober several months, but it's been a struggle for him. He shared that he cannot seem to "get" the whole God thing, but that he is open to ideas and anything really. He's just not "feeling" it.

Of course, this spurred a wonderful sharing session from the attendees on how each of us came to have a relationship with our respective HPs. I love to hear how people connect with and develop a relationship with a power greater than themselves. We talked about AA being the HP early on for many of us. Some of us shared about our skepticism, or outright disdain for God and organized religion. We talked about the difference between religion and spirituality. We shared our difficulties and our successes, and how the whole thing really is a process for most folks.

For my part, I had issues with God, church, believing in anything but me. (It took me a loooong time to recognize the mess I was making of my life, running the show, who knew?) I blamed God, had every negative stereotype about religion, spirituality and the people who "professed" to have that together. My first sponsor Johhny F. shared with me what his HP was all about, and encouraged me to "borrow" his HP. "My HP is big enough for the both of us, man," he said. It worked for me over time. Johnny F. told me to ask HP each morning to remove my obsession to drink and use drugs. And one day it dawned on me that I hadn't thought about drinking or drugging in a day or two. WOW, that was a real moment in my sobriety. All I could think about for weeks and months was that I was not drinking, not drugging, not partying. To realize I hadn't thought about it was some kind of miracle indeed!

I'm glad I hit the meeting Monday because I was transported back to that time, listening to the newcomer-ish guy share about his struggles. I pray for him, and I hope you will too!

there's no such thing as coincidences!

2011-07-17T20:37:00.002-05:00

Man this weekend went by quickly! We had a nice 2hr road trip up to Toledo to see my mom for her b-day. We went out for dinner, had a great visit then 2hrs back home. It was a really nice family day! Today I puttered 'round the house, transplanting some hydrangeas that continually wilt in the sun. I moved them to a more shaded place in the back yard. Hopefully they will do welll there. I groomed Cosmo and bathed her, she was a mess lol. Ian and I hung out, played some Wii, we all took a walk and I just finished loading my marching band schedule into my caleendar. This week, we begin rehearsals already. I am looking forward to my second year as assistant marching band director at our local high school.

At Mass this morning, Father discussed the Gospel reading, a parable from Matthew where Jesus teaches about the mysteries of Evil. The parable tells the sotry of a farmer who planted good wheat seeds in his fields. While the farmer slept, an enemy came by and sowed the seeds fo weeds in his field. The farmer knew the weeds had come from his enemy, yet he waited until harvest to split the good wheat from the weeds, rather than tear out his wheat trying to get the weeds out.

I was weeding my garden this morning, and don't you know a I pulled a particlarly stubborn weed out, it tore up the roots of one of my flowers, so I had to be gentle in removing the weed. I then tried to grab another weed, only to be ravaged by tiny little spines and thorns. I left that one in the garden. Father's homily was all about how sometimes maybe God leaves evil in the world, that He might find a way to bring some good from it, or event to cultivate that evil to good purpose later on. This whole thing was a rather shocking, soul-shaking "coincidence" that I've decided to keep in the back of my mind, should HP/God/Jesus be trying to teach me something.

Thoughts?

living life

2011-07-16T07:44:00.002-05:00

Man, it felt great to sleep in for a change this morning! I didn't roll out until all of 8:30! We're heading up to Toledo to visit my mom for her birthday today. Her birthday isn't until the 25th, but we'll be on vacation that day. So, we'll head up today and celebrate early.

God gave me a special gift this week (among the many). I had the priviledge of interviewing a polio survivor, for a story my Rotary President has asked me to write for the Rotary International magazine and a magazine published in Ohio. Roatary International has been working to eradicate Polio since 1985. There are cases of Polio in only 4 countries in the world thanks to the efforts to immunize and wipe the disease out entirely. This man told us his story of how he contracted Polio at age 10 in 1949, had to be placed on an iron lung, and managed to survive. What a story, and what a priviledge. I only hope I can do him justice with this article.

That is just one of the examples of the magic of sobriety. If I were not fully in the stream of life, connected to my HP, things like this wouldn't happen to me. I wouldn't care about others, I wouldn't be in service clubs, I wouldn't be aware. I am grateful today for my life with all its ups and downs.

busy week in 55 words!

2011-07-15T07:49:00.003-05:00

Busy, crazy, no time to be lazy!
I love a week that moves in a blur
as long as I can take time to concur...
With God up above, and all of His love,
I can get through with the peace of a dove.
Thanks for Friday is all I can say!
Today's the day!

visit Mr Know-it-all to read other clever 55 word pieces!

As you might guess, this week hass been crazy, and today is no exception. I had my first real estate closing on Monday, then spent Tuesday and Wednesday in meetings and preparing for yesterday's all-day golf outing fundraiser for our organization. Our final home swim meet running the concessions was Wednesday evening, THANK GOD that's behind us! Today it's off to Columbus to meet with other Chamber of Commerce executives for a best practice/consultative session. With all of this stuff, I didn't even have time to get to an AA meeting this week. So, prayer has been vital, especially this week.

Today, life is good! I love being busy, although this week has been maybe a bit too much, dashing from thing to thing. I tend to get edgey and impatient with those around me so, I have to take care to slow my mind down today. HP reminds me that today is the only day I can live, to worry about tomorrow or yesterday is pointless. So, I plan to put one foot in front of the other, be kind, and just enjoy the drive to and from the meetings in Columbus. I'm ready for a day away from the insanity, and meeting with colleagues is always a positive experience.

I pray that you all have a peaceful Friday and a great weekend! It's great to be sober and living in the stream of life today!

a camping we will go!

2011-07-09T06:37:00.002-05:00

I had to get a post in this morning before we leave! Ian and I are off to camp out with a few hundred of our closest Cub Scout friends today. It's the annual "Dad and Lad" campout at a Boy Scout camp a couple hrs from here. We'll swim, shoot bb guns, shoot bow and arrows, hike, ride bikes and collapse lol. Then we come home tomorrow. It's a fast weekend, but a fun one. I just wish I had a little more energy this morning, lol.

This has been an insanely busy few weeks. But, the insanity is paying off. I am closing on my first real estate deal Monday, I sold one of my listings yesterday, showed one Wednesday, have a showing and an open house going this weekend with another agent. Now that we've got some activity, it's time to get a few more homes listed and into the pipeline. Real estate has been slow, but things are looking up little by little. This stretch has required faith, much faith that things will work out. We're in a tenuous financial position right now, but things are gradually looking up.

Went to the noon mtg yesterday, listened to a relative newcomer share once again about how his daughter won't talk to him because of his drinking escapades. We all arrive in AA with so many things to fix, and so little time ro credibility to do so. recovery is a process, sometimes a painful one. It takes time to repair the damage we've caused, and we just have to keep working on ourselves and accept what happens. That's the message he got last week when he asked about this, and that's the message he got this week. He will make it one day at a time if he keeps doing what he's doing. I only hope he can find a way to not make himself crazy over that daughter of his. Time is probably the most effective healer of those wounds.

preparations

2011-07-06T06:36:00.003-05:00

Good morning all! It was a fabulous festival weekend, and it's taken me this long to begin to get caught up and recover lol. I don't know how people can drink and party all day. Hell, I worked this festival from 8am until after midnight Saturday and Sunday and I was still exhausted yesterday. All I drank was water and iced tea. Maybe I am just getting old lol.

We're beginning preparations for our vacation to the Outer Banks. We head down there on the 24th and we're pretty dang busy right up to departure time lol. This will be the first time just the three of us have taken a vacation. We always visit family when we travel. And we're blessed to have family in great places like Wet Virginia, Colorado and Arizona. But, it will be nice having just the three of us, doing what we want together. We plan to visit the Kitty Hawk historic sites, do some pier fishing, maybe go crabbing, eat seafood, walk the beaches, watch sunrises and just relax and have fun. We're even going to take Ian to see the home of Gravedigger (the monster truck) in Kill Devil Hills. We are going through WV and stopping to see her folks on the way down and back and due to finances, we're only staying in NC for four nights. I've never been there, Ian's never been there and my wife has been longing to go back for years. This will be a special time for us, to be sure.

Meditation for today...

Today, I am grateful. I am sober, healthy and I have reasonably healthy relationships with people I love and who love me. I cannot expect or ask for more than that. I must remember today that God provides everything I need. Even though I may be fearful of some things happening in my life, I must have faith that God will provide as He always has. My most important task is to stay connected to God so I know what I am supposed to be doing. I must seek His will and do my best to live in agreement with that. I must serve God and help others. In doing so, my needs will be met.

gratitude in 55 words...

2011-07-01T06:35:00.004-05:00

Freedom isn't free, to be sure.
Every time I see you, I stop to say thanks
for your sacrifice and that of your family.
Thank God for people like you,
who make it possible for people like me.
I love our country and I know you do too.
Happpy Birthday to US, God Bless You!

I had to spend my Friday Flash 55 giving thanks to our troops, veterans, police, fire, ems and everyone who works to make our country safe and free! THANKS to all of you!!

I love Independence Day weekend, I look forward to this all winter long. I'm so grateful to live in the U.S., and so grateful to those who keep us safe and serve our citizens. Thank God for the founding fathers and their providential wisdom. We're not a perfect Republic, but I still believe we have the best thing going.

Part of my gig as the "chamber guy" is to host the Independence Day Celebration festivities in one of the small communities represented by our chamber of commerce. They give me the microphone (not sure on the wisdom of that lol) to make announcements all weekend. Our chamber runs a pulled pork BBQ sandwicch stand as a fundraiser all weekend, selling melt-in-your-mouth fresh pulled pork BBQ sandwiches, yum! So, I hang out in this little town of 878 souls all weekend, talking, relaxing, celebrating, coaching a little league b-ball game, hosting the pie bake-off, selling BBQ, announcing, helping with the parade and helping to coordinate one of the best fireworks displays around (in my humble opinion).

For me, this weekend is the perfect example of what my sobriety is, and what my life has become. My family spends a bunch of time at the festival enjoying the food, music, games, friends and all that. I get to do some community service and celebrate real freedom on so many levels. It's really about gratitude all weekend and that lights my sober fires! This is what my life has become, wrapped into one awesome weekend!

Thank you God, for all the good gifts in my life today, wow!

perspective

2011-06-30T10:23:00.002-05:00

At the noon meeting yesterday, I was asked to hand out tokens. We give out tokens to recognize various lengths of sobriety... I got to present a friend with her 9 year token. I remember when she first came around, and I've seen her grow in the fellowship. She struggles mightily with depression and things at times, but she's grown and her sober life has blossomed to include a husband, two children and a very active church life. I was so grateful to be the one to hand her the token and give her a hug.

The discussion then centered around people's opinions over whether or not tokens should be given, and how folks need to focus more on their sobriety one day at a time and less on the collection of tokens. The discussion included several different points of view supported by personal experience. Thankfully, this girl didn't have her feelings hurt (as I had feared she might). When she shared later on in the meeting, she reflected on her sober life and how she felt like she needed to give more and do more in the fellowship. She sounded reasonably happy and certainly grateful, but concerned about the quality of her sobriety. I'm glad she wasn't offended or upset because I've seen her get her feelings hurt and then avoid meetings for periods of time.

I prefer meetings that center around the content of the AA program such as a Big Book or Twelve and Twelve study. It's easy for us as aloholics to involve more opinion than experience, or AA content. It's also easy for us to get our feelings hurt, or get way off track. Discussion meetings are alright I guess but so much ends up being said that doesn't mean a whole lot at the end of the day. I know I shouldn't worry about things like this, and I usually don't, but it just sort of hit me as I sat and listened to the discussion. So, I decided to apply this to myself and make sure that when I do share, I am "on point" with my facts about the program, and honest about my experiences, and very slow to reveal my opinons.

It also occured to me during the meeting that I am still guilty of over-complicating (waaaaay over-complicating) my life. The whole "one-day-at-a-time" concept was thoroughly hashed out, and it was a great reminder for me. I have sobriety, food, shelter, safety and love in my life today. The rest is all an extra bonus. I HAVE to remember the "live in the moment" mantra and I am grateful for the topic yesterday. It was an interesting meeting, and I managed to comfortably sit idly by... listening rather than talking.

entirely ready?

2011-06-27T07:10:00.003-05:00

Am I entirely ready?

Damn, what kind of question is that? Step 6 tells me that I must be ENTIRELY READY to have God/HP remove my defects of character. By the time I arrived at Step 6, God had indeed removed my obsession for drugs and alcohol. I had been sober nearly a year when I found myself trying to become "entirely ready" for God to take away my shortcomings. My drinking and drugging were so evident, such a tangible quantity, that it was simple to understand why I needed to stop once I hung around AA for awhile. And I felt so good at meetings, I eventually came to a point where I was ready to surrender to the fact that alone I couldn't control my drinking. And so I gave it to God and begged for His Grace and it came. I'll never forget the feeling when I realized I hadn't thought about drinking or drugging for a couple days! He HAD removed my obsession to drink and use drugs!! Maybe (and that's a big maybe) he CAN remove my defects of character...

But, these shortcomings of mine are so much more subtle, and really... are they all that bad?? Even after multiple 4th and 5th Steps, it's still easy to rationalize some behaviours. My first sponsor taught me to pray for the willingness to be a better person. He said (and so does the 12X12 book) that I ought to look to God's perfect ideal as a model of how to live, and set myself off in that direction. Just because I reach a point of being completely sick and tired of being sick and tired, doesn't mean that a switch is thrown and I become pure as the driven snow.

However, I believe that I cannot improve myself and change my behaviours unless I come to a point where I am entirely ready to be done with my shortcomings. At that point, I'm now ready to amend myself and think, act and behave in a new way. That's the point at which Step 6 begins working in my life. It's still a process, it will always be a process. Thankfully, we can live this program one day at a time.

A quiet Sunday...

2011-06-26T11:52:00.003-05:00

I just finished mowing and I have a little time before I have to take Ian to his 4-H meeting. He's going to give a demonstration on how to take care of a hamster. He is taking a hamster for his 4-H project at the fair this year. Rocky is the cutest ever Syrian long-hair teddy bear hamster. He's nipped Ian a couple times, so the boy is a bit leery about handling Rocky, but that's improving. It has been a good project for Ian so far. He's learning the responsibility of caring for an animal, and the need to be responsible for someone besides himself. So far so good! I'll post a photo of Rocky sometime soon, he is so cute lol. (and Cosmo, our Jack Russell Terrier is DYING to meet Rocky lol)

My weight loss continues to move in a good direction. Since beginning my diet the first week of May, I am down 28 lbs. Since January, I've lost a total of 42 lbs. I'm feeling good, looking much better and approaching the need for some new clothes. My goal is to get down to about 180 lbs and I am at 235 now. I'm almost halfway, and feeling good. I've made a commitment to myself to do this and I pray for God's help often (not unlike early sobriety). The principles contained in the 12 Steps are wonderful principles for living and for self-improvement no matter what your issues might be.

I think the rest of Sunday will be spent puttering around the house and hanging out with Ian. I need to pull weeds in my flowerbeds, and I need to feed my plants. I'll probably get into that later this evening after it cools off. I'll also probably take time to do some reading, listen to music, and drink tea. I love having a quiet Sunday around the house. It isn't a regular occurance and so I cherish the time. I reflect, pray, and try for quality time with my family. I hope you all enjoy a pleasant Sunday as well!

Satuday night...

2011-06-25T20:54:00.005-05:00

Another full summer day :-) In fact, my bald (mostly bald, entirely shaved) pate is a little sensitive, had my ball cap off too long lol.

We had our annual "All Star Fun Day" at the ball diamond, complete with burgers, dogs, ice cream and LOTS of baseball. I really enjoyed coaching the 2nd and 3rd grade all star team today and the boys had fun. The weather was perfect and it was just an awesome day. I've just finished working on a new real estate listing, getting everything online for that, and now it's time for some bloggage!! (And my Cincinnati Reds just won 10-5 over Baltimore!!!)

I love days like today, sunny, mild, not too hot. I had to water the flower beds tonight, and I was blown away by how lovely our Virgin Mary looks in what used to be Ian's sandbox. I built it a long time ago and my wife painted it. The box is showing its age, but it has become a lovely planting bed for our Holy Mother Mary and some beautiful flowers. The lillies in front off her have gotten so tall, it appears that she is peeking from behind them to tend the smaller flowers in front...

Tend your garden sweet Mother of God...
The rains they came not today so I lend a wet hand.
You watch us lovingly, ever vigilant
to keep us at your feet, safely aware
of Your love and Your care.

Oft I think,"Does She see, can She know
the difficulties I struggle with?
"Have faith my child," says Mother.
And so I do, when I can.

I watch her peer 'round the flowers she tends,
I know then that she sees me too.
Nothing escapes the gaze of my Holy Mother.
I know in my heart all will be well,
if I tend what's in front of me and
leave the rest for Her to take to God on my behalf.

Holy Mary, Mother of God...
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen

Friday gratitude in 55 words!

2011-06-24T07:52:00.003-05:00

A form of the Friday Flash 55 started by my friend, the G-Man, I give you my take....

"Gratitude 55"

Peace as I rise to begin my day...
First few breaths sweep away
the fog of the night just passed.
I live to serve, to smile and laugh.
Please be with me along my path.
Faith I have all will be well,
now off to share, show and tell.
Gratitude for all, all is well.

So, I encourage you all to find a theme, a thought and prayer. Write it in 55 words and share!! Visit the G-Man to spread your words and read other clever 55 writings!

God Bless, be at peace and enjoy your Friday!

our amazing program

2011-06-23T07:58:00.002-05:00

After an amazing weekend spent sitting on the end of a dock fishing for two and a half days, it was time to come back to host an open house in one of my listings Monday evening, then right back to work Tuesday morning. The peace and quiet, lack of blackberry intrusions, computing, and phone calls was nice while it lasted lol. It just felt good to slow down for a couple days and spend time with my family and some close friends.

Yesterday, I was able to attend the noon AA meeting in town and I am glad I did. I had to spend a few minutes answering emails via blackberry as they worked through the readings and the initial discussion developed. (yea, I am THAT guy sometimes...) But, as one of the more recent newcomers began to speak, I dialed right in. He was talking about how when he first came to AA all he wanted to do (and needed to do) was stop drinking. He's been discovering that there is much, much more to AA and obritey than just not drinking. I love to hear a newcomer share about how they are really grasping the program, and how life is improving. He talked about how his wife was struggling to understand why he continues to come to meetings, even though he is no longer drinking. He received some good advice about how to be grateful to is wife for her support, and how he should strive to take what he learns in the meetings and apply it to his family life. most importantly, he received some excellent experience strenth and hope on hw many of us have kept sobriety as the most important thing in our lives, in an effort to repair all the damage done to our families, employers and so forth.

I sat and reflected on just how much my life has changed in the 15+ years I have been sober in AA. I continue to marvel at how unrecognizeable my life is when you compare it to how I was living when I got sober. I can clearly recall in vivid detail, how I lived before AA, and I pray I never forget, lest I repeat those mistakes. But, I cannot get over the transformation that has occured in my life, and all of the amazing blessings I have to be grateful for because I came to AA and got sober. My whole life, all the good things in it have all come as a result of getting sober in AA.

The newcomer marvelled at the depth and power of AA and how the program can help us in so many ways beyond just not drinking. I reminded him that the only step the focuses on alcohol is Step 1. The rest of the 12 Steps focus on the REAL problem... us! I've learned in my sober life that without a doubt, AA is divine in nature, a spiritual program given to us by our Higher Powers. I've learned that without a doubt, all good things in the world come from our Higher Power. There can be no mistake that AA is a God-given spiritual gift that i smeant to be shared and spread to those who want and need recovery from alcoholism and addiction.

Man am I glad I went to that meeting yesterday! I am so grateful for God, AA and sobriety!

weekend musings

2011-06-18T09:24:00.002-05:00

It's funny how peace can be interrupted so easily lol. I had such a good feeling yesterday afternoon after that wonderful meeting. Some work nonsense reared its ugly head last evening and I allowed it to upset me a bit. The good news for me (and those I live with) is that I made a decision to not allow it to ruin my evening and weekend, and so I've let it go for the present time and I intend to continue on with a wonderful weekend with my family.

When we choose, God will give us the Grace to let things just be what they are, accept them and focus on the next right thing. There's really nothing happening in my life that requires me to be upset or angry today. Sure, there's plenty I'd like (and need) to improve, and with God's Grace I will. Step 10 of the AA program tells me that anytime I am disturbed or upset, it is up to me to be at peace. "It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us." -12 Steps and 12 Traditions p90.

Today, right now it's up to me to be happy, peaceful, kind and thoughtful of others. So, that's the plan as we get ready to head out to the lake for a couple days. I love the simplicity of the program, even while at the same time it can be so difficult to practice. It seems to me that most things divine are completely simple in nature but difficult for us to practice. That speaks to our flawed nature and need for God's Grace.

I'm not sure I will be able to post again until Monday or Tuesday. So, have a great weekend and be well!

peace...

allow me a "double dip..."

2011-06-17T13:03:00.003-05:00

The magic of meetings...

Knowing I am unbalanced, stressed and longing for a great weekend, I thought it best to hit the noon meeting today. Who do you think I see there?? My wife :-) She was in the same spot, harried, stessed, rutted, etc. Well, you all know the magic of meetings... I didn't solve a single problem (didn't really feel like I needed to lol), none of my circumstances have changed in the last couple hours, but I sure as heck do feel good right now. I have a hunch we may have managed to avoid a potential burn up by each doing the right thing and hitting a meeting to straighten our thinking.

After 15 + years sober in AA, meetings still have their inteded effect on me, and I just couldn't feel more grateful than I do at this moment, and I wanted to share it even though I posted earlier today already (scroll down).

TGIF

2011-06-17T07:56:00.002-05:00

YES! It's Friday, people!! I guess it would be best to spring into action everyday of the week with this sort of enthusiasm, but nothing spells "yee haw" like Friday morning, lol!! It has been a busy week, with lots of things happening not just at work but during the evenings, so I am ready for a break this weekend. It just so happens that we're heading to Indiana tomorrow to stay with some friends at their lake cottage rental. This is a weekend trip we used to make each year, but the last couple of years, we've been unable to. We're really excited to be able to escape and enjoy a beautiful little sandy bottom clear water lake for a couple days. We'll swim, fish, walk/hike, relax and enjoy each other. This is my first real vacation-like weekend since Christmas with my family, I'm definitely in need to some down time!

In reviewing my life these days, I can see that the greatest challenge I face right now is balance/time. My job running our chamber of commerce is a public position and keeps me very busy, including plenty of evenings and weekends. It doesn't pay really well, and I am the primary breadwinner of our household so I sell real estate, teach at church and assist with the high school marching band for extra income. Factor in Cub Scouts, coaching baseball, swim concessions (this one goes away after this year!) and my community service/volunteer work, and I rarely have time for Scott. Our marriage has been steadily improving with help from outside counseling so we communicate better than we used to, which really reduces stress and blow-ups. Writing and blogging has been a wonderful release, and I get to a few AA meetings each month, usually less than weekly.

So, I find myself feeling constantly rushed, hustling all the time and that tends to leave me a bit cranky and feeling spread to thin. When I came to AA, all I did was party and do things that pleased Scott. If I had to give of myself, it was usually only begrudgingly and I usually looked for something in return. Now it seems, I swung 180 degrees in the other direction lol and now I find myself resenting reuests for help/volunteering, and I feel as if maybe I'm owed a little more success with regard to my income/career. Still not a good result, lol. I seem to do best these days when I work to stay in the moment and don't worry about finances, or how things are going to work out. But I am starting to see that I've more than likely over-stretched myself, creating pressure and stress in my life where none need exist.

That's about as far as I have gotten with this issue, but I know that the time for decisions and stress reducing actions is approaching. I just pray today for God's guidance, that HP will show me the best way. And, I hope I am paying attention when He shows me lol.

morning has broken...

2011-06-14T05:57:00.003-05:00

Up and at 'em, on my way to Rotary to begin this beautiful Tuesday morning!

I arise full of gratitude for my sobriety and my health. I can hear the beginnings of another busy day as my wife's alarm rings, and Ian stirs, still half-asleep. Cosmo delivers her usual lady-like, post-breakfast belch in the cool quiet of our home. Summer is a busy time for us, with baseball, swim team, my wife's Yoga classes and all the work-related nonsense I have going on. But, it's my favorite time of year, especially when we hit a dry, mild stretch where we have no humidity, and high temps in the 70's.

Today right now, I feel at peace knowing that no matter what, everything is going to be ok. I am in God's care, I am sober, I have family and friends to share this life with and I feel good physically. I pray that I might seek and do God's will, whatever that might be. I pray that God might provide me the opportunity to help someone and get out of myself.

Today, like everyday is a good day, and I pray that you all enjoy a day filled with peace, belonging, accomplishment, love and giving. It is good to be sober today.

1,000th post!

2011-06-13T13:22:00.002-05:00

This milestone sort of snuck up on me. I am shocked to realize I've been blogging for over 5 years, to the tune of 1,000 posts. It seems that I ought to have some really wise and pithy thoughts to share on this occasion but alas, I am just grateful lol.

I've gotten so much from meeting all of you out there in the blogosphere that I cannot imagine life entirely without blogging (although the occasional break seems necessary in my case lol). My faith that AA and humanity are divinely given to us has been strengthened by all of the amazing sober people, writers, poets, and bloggers I've met along the way. There's just no way I'll believe this is all man's doing combined with a random system of coincidences.

I know that everything in this world happens for a reason, and that God is at the center of all good things. He is the Source of all good things. Today, I strive to live my life as I understand God would have me live it, and I fall short often. But, I continue to seek His will and follow along. Since adopting this attitude sometime during my first sober year in AA, my life has improved dramatically. It's really that simple.

prayer for today...

God, thank you for today. Thank you or my health, sobriety, AA, family and friends. I pray that I use this day to give glory to You and all the gifts You've given me. I pray that I might remember my calling to serve you and those around me, knnowing that I will be given all I will ever need. I pray that the alcoholics and addicts who are out there suffering might find the Grace I found when I finally realized that I needed to quit drinking and drugging. Thank you God for the gift of your Son and the Holy Spirit, an thank you for the inspiration to write and meet people via blogging.

balance anyone?

2011-06-12T07:55:00.004-05:00

I was thinking that I ought to apologize for my recent unannounced sebaticle from blogging. Then it occured to me that I might appear to be a bit of an ego-driven madman if I did so, assuming that I owed my "fans" an apology, lol. I guess I needed a break from blogging, ran out of things to say and just didn't write for awhile. I do regret that I didn't pop on to mention I was taking a break, in case any of my friends were wondering why I vanished. And so, to any of you who may have been wondering... I do sincerely apologize.

It's Sunday, it has cooled off considerably here and we're all about heading to Mass this morning for the first time in a few weeks. I've been somewhat neglectful of my spiritual program of late, and it has begun to show in my behaviour. I've been a bit snippy and short with my family, and have allowed a few work-related resentments to begin to take root. I believe that this blog is an important part of my spiritual program as well. It is here that I can vent, create, share myself and just keep things in perspective. This is one of several "recovery conduits" I have acccess to and it feels good to be back in touch.

I've not been to quite enough meetings, due to overbooking myself with work and volunteer activities. There is something to be said for the alcoholic needing to keep himself busy to avoid boredom and opportunity for too much introvertive thought and activity. But, I'm definitely not suffering from a lack of things to do lol. So, I really am re-introducing balance back into my life.

On a VERy positive note, I've found an eating plan/lifestyle that works for me, and I have lost 33 lbs since the first week of May. One of my goals this year is to get down below 200 lbs (I'm 5'8") and since January, I've gone from 277 to this morning, 240. The 17 Day Diet works, walking works, and I pretty well enjoy the program.

prayer for today...

Heavenly Father, I thank you or this day, for my sobriety, health, my family, AA and your church. I pray that I come to Mass with an open mind, a light heart and active ears to hear your Word. I pray that I have the willingness to follow your lead, to help others around me, and to be good to myself today. I especially thank you for the Grace you've given me with my efforts at improving my health these recent weeks. Please be with the alcoholic who still suffers, and help me to be ready to help him/her when I meet him/her.

Finally back at it...

2011-06-10T07:14:00.004-05:00

I awoke this morning to the sounds of a summer thunderstorm, bringing some much needed rain. And so I found myself finally inspired...

"Waking debate..."

Summer rains fall without caution or care,
suspending baseball but no worse for the wear.
God's tears nourish plants, animals, earth
as we arise from our dust,from lack, no more dearth.
We welcome this respite from sun's smile so warm,
to turn over once more, pay no heed to alarm.
But alas, I must move my weary old bones,
for the rain has me thinking in bed here alone.
My day has begun, my work it awaits.
I cannot dally long, I'm afraid I'll create
a swirling, impatience up in my mind
that causes me to pause and consider so blind
this rain to be less than the blessing, a sign.

on retreat

2011-04-10T15:25:00.004-05:00

With Easter fast approaching, it is the time for folks in RCIA to make final preparations for their full communion with the Roman Catholic Church at Easter Vigil. Today I have the privilege of assisting with an RCIA retreat to help folks prepare. We've based the retreat on the Gospel writer John's account of "The Woman at the Well. My part was to give a talk about my own call to conversion to become Catholic, prepare and deliver some of the prayers and read some scripture during the retreat. I've been involved in many AA recovery retreats, and I've been teaching the catholic faith to kids for 4 years now but I've never had the opportunity to work with adults in faith formation.

We're on a break now before supper and I just felt the need to sit down and write about the experience. My own conversion was a lengthy, slow (and strongly resisted) process. I was an anti-church type of guy for years (most especially anti-Catholic) and so my decision to join the church came as quite a shock to my family and friends. It really was an evolution of my faith journey that began in AA, still includes AA but is now much more fully realized in my personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

My life contiues to be richly blessed in so many ways, thanks to my my relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in the Catholic Church. This afternoon I was blessed to participate in the Sacrament of Penance (Confession or Reconciliation) with one of the priests attending our retreat. There are several things I wished to be rid of, to give over to God for His absolution and healing grace. I made a good confession, and look forward to continuing the penance I began following my time with the priest.

Lent is all about reflection, assesment and the develpoment of a firm purpose of amendment of myself. I wish to grow close to my Higher Power (God/Jesus/Holy Spirit), I wish to be a better dad, husband, employee, teacher, citizen. I wish to no longer do things that separate me from God (sin). And so I take time this afternoon before supper to walk the beautiful grounds of the retreat house and reflect in God's presence and in fellowship with the retreatants.

It has been a beautiful afternoon. I look forward to going home and spending time with my family this evening.

Photographs, Memories and Nostalgia

2011-04-04T09:07:00.003-05:00

This week's Poetry Potluck has a fun theme... looking back over my life I can think of no more important memory than that of my last night of drinking. I was playing in a band, in a bar in Toledo (and no, it wasn't across from the depot lol) and I had decided that morning that I was going to play the show sober (no drugs or alcohol). By that afternoon I had forgotten my morning pledge and was up to my eyeballs in pot and beer. So I decided that since I had begun, I might just as well make the most of it. I recall having over $20 in my pocket that evening and after buying a sandwich and a couple batteries for my bass guitar pedal, I blew the rest on $1 beers (that was our pay for playing). I distinctly recall sitting at a Frisch's Big Boy in downtown Toledo at God only knows what time in the morning, feeling stone cold sober after all that smoking and drinking. That freaked me out and gave me the push I needed to stop drinking after that and visit my first ever AA meeting. They say that if you've forgotten your last drink, you haven't had it yet. I've never forgotten mine after 15 years sober in AA. I am grateful for this particular memory.

Merry-go-round

I'd made a small pledge from up on my ledge,
looking out at the mess I'd become.
I was going to try something new, something dry
at the club in the haze, no more could I lie.

I'd not take a drink, nor a smoke or a snort.
For tonight I'd be sober, I'd likely retort. (to anyone who asked)
I had not a clue what it would be like
to play our tunes clean in front of my mike.

I had not drawn a true sober breath
I'd needed a break to be sure.
I knew it was trouble, but I had no clue
just how much damage I'd every night do.
When drinking and drugging, singing and playing,
I had no idea it was me I was slaying.

"I'm not going to do this again!" turned into:
"How could this happen again?"
And there I was, so much the poorer in dollars and sense.
Yet sober I felt at 3 in the morning,
I had no more money but heeded the warning caused by my failed experience.

So off I went on adventures so grand,
that to this day, whenever I land
in a difficult spot, or quandry, or knot,
that all I must do, is remember my plan
to stay sober that night, my insane little plot.
I've climbed down from my perch on the merry go-round
and all I can say is what's lost is now found.

Lies, Deception and Misrepresentation

2011-03-21T07:01:00.002-05:00

Wow, what a headline, eh? That's the theme for this week's Poetry Potluck, over at Jingle Poetry. So, crank up your creative mind, write a poem, sonnet, haiku or some other written delight and share it with us at Jingle Poetry.

Things I used to believe...

What's all the fuss about, I'm fine.
Why don't they just leave me alone, I'm fine.
I don't have a problem, I'm fine.
Hell, I'm not hurting anyone,
It's just a few drinks, maybe a joint or two.
I work hard, I deserve to party.

Besides, I can stop anytime I want.
There's lots of people worse than me,
I just like to party a little bit,
what's the harm in that?
I'm not hurting anything.

You need to mind your own damn business, I'm fine.
I never said I'd take care of that,
you've got your story all wrong.
I didn't hide that there, I don't know how it got there.
I pay my bills, I go to work.
Hell, I even got my degree and most of a Master's.

What do you mean I ought to get some help?
I'm fine I told you.
If God, my parents and you would just leave me alone,
everything would be a whole lot better.
I'm just fine the way I am, I am not hurting anyone.
Leave me alone.

I told you, I don't have a problem.

reflection

2011-03-13T07:46:00.002-05:00

"Absolution?"

Forgiveness for what I've done is offered, yet elusive.
How can I ask if I'm not yet done offending?
Ahh perfection is the goal, not the means to get there.

"Don't judge." they say. But if you knew me well,
what would you say then? "Don't judge?"
Good luck with that, a test of your Christianity.

I seek absolution, but do I deserve it?
I'm told that all I need to do is be truly sorry
and work to improve myself in some significant way.

Good works, do they atone for the bad ones?
Is it really some formula I can manipulate
to my own successful soul-redemption?

To reflect and be with God is the answer
and it will come clearly when my own heart is willing
enough to sit quietly with Him and hear His truth.

I find the recovery process to be eerily similar to the Catholic/Christian practices during Lent. We work to grow closer to our Higher Power (mine is God/Jesus/Holy Spirit)/pray and reflect; work to identify, remove and seek forgiveness for character defects/reconcile ourselves and atone for our sins, practice fasting and self denial; share our recovery with others/give alms and do additional good works.

I suppose that's why I love, look forward to and appreciate the Lenten season so much. It runs parallel to the recovery process that saved my life. Often times I find myself with more questions than answers during Lent. To me, that's just progress through life and the realization that the more I learn, the less I really "know."

Meeting Makers make it!

2011-03-11T07:51:00.003-05:00

I read an interesting post this morning on Syd's blog about folks not welcoming newcomers into meetings, and cliques in AA and Al-Anon. The post sure inspired some great comments, but it's a sad commentary on a side of our fellowship I am not proud of.

For my part, I was welcomed into AA from day and moment one when I began attending meetings in Toledo, OH. They have a tradition there that you're expected to go around and shake everyone's hand when you arrive before the meeting begins. This practice helps AA's welcome newcomers to the program. When I came to AA, I was the only person (in my mind) who thought and felt the way I did, and no one understood me. So it was very important to me that folks were kind and accepting of me. I didn't feel like I had to fight my way into the group. Sure, there were little cliques and clusters of folks who were close friends outside the meetings, but no one shunned any one.

The thing that us sober alcoholics need to remember, is that the newcomer is typically not glad to be coming to his or her first meeting. The newcomer is are shy, scared, mad, humiliated, embarassed and full off guilt and shame just for having to come to meetings in the first palce. So we need to go out of our way to let them know they've come to a safe place. We need to welcome newcomers and help them feel a part of things (no matter how many times we've gotten close to newcomers only to have them vanish and leave us).

It pains me to hear folks judge the entire AA fellowship by a few bad meeting experiences. The 12 Steps and all of the principles in AA are unchanged by the behaviour of some of the members. The program is still the program, and AA is full of sick and disfunctional personalities. It has been my experience (in over 15 sober years in AA) that the person who can't or doesn't make it in AA probably isn't ready to do what it takes to stay sober. That's not to say that AA is the only way folks can get sober and recover from drug addiction and alcoholism. I couldn't possibly make that statement. But I do know that when folks come into AA and practice the principles of the program, work the Steps into their lives, they recover a day at a time. There are miracles happening every day in AA, I've seen them and I continue to see them. I am a one of those miracles, and I am married to one of those miracles.

If you're new and you're reading this and you've felt shut out in a particular meeting, shame on that group but hey... get to some other meetings. How much does it mean to you to get your life back? It might take a little effort on your part. Don't blame AA as a whole. Find new meetings, reach out your hand and grab recovery. It is there for everyone!

Lent

2011-03-09T21:47:00.002-05:00

Welcome to Lent, the Christian season of reflection, self-denial, pennance, prayer and almsgiving. This year for Lent, instead of focusing so much on the "easy pickings" of self denial, I am going to focus more on self improvement and giving. Sure, I have placed ice cream and diet coke on the "banned substances list" until Easter, and that goes hand in hand with my weight loss and fitness plan. But more importantly, I plan to spend focused quiet time with God each day, and journal a bit about what I experience and what I learn, in an effort to grow closer to God and learn what he needs me to be doing to be of service to Him and those around me. So, that's the plan for the coming weeks.

Tonight's time with God occured at Ash Wednesday Mass. I have been unable to get to Mass on a regular basis over the past month or so and I have been feeling a little disconnected from the worship perspective. So, tonight's Mass was especially meaningful for me. I received ashes and the Eucharist, and immediately felt the warmth and connection to God in the singing, the quiet, and the prayer. We had a soup and sandwich supper in the fellowship hall afterwards and the fellowship was amazing. I had been developing a resentment with a particular couple, and don't you know God saw fit to seat us together, and helped me to work through it without causing a big stink.

I let God take me tonight to where He needed me and it resulted in an inspiring evening. So inspiring that I came home, hit the laptop and wrote my entire lesson plan for next week's CCD class. I can say that writing sure has become a release for me. I feel spiritually connected when I write, and the whole process inspires me to do more.

I hope that whatever faith you practice or don't practice, that you find time to slow down, reflect and work on yourself this spring. Be well, and see you soon :-)

Perfect Poet award... me?? Wow!

2011-03-06T19:07:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm humbled and proud to have been chosen among the talented writers at the Promising Poets' Parking Lot for the "Perfect Poet Award" this time around. Actually I am sort of floored really. I've recently found my voice and I love to write, so this is really an honour!! Thanks to Jingle and Jamie, and all the wonderful writers in our group. If you fancy putting quill to parchment, or fingers to keys, by all means visit us and participate in our wonderful little association.

Thanks so much, and congrats to all the Perfect Poets this week!

"The words come..."

Like flowing waters running softly down,
the words escape me, wipe 'way the frown.
I mean to say what comes to mind,
heart wins the day, the gift is kind.

I hesitate, I ponder and reflect.
Then they come not one, but many collect.
My emotions, my fears words do protect
while leaping to the page to reveal me wholly
to passersby for their judgement or kind retribution
from comments passed along with love and respect.

And so with glad heart I must proclaim
"I can't believe this heady acclaim!"
Thanks so much, I love you too!
I so love to write, who really knew??

Poets Rally and gratitude

2011-03-04T07:58:00.004-05:00

I marvel at the creative writing community online here, and how welcoming and friendly everyone is. Back in my drinking and drugging days, I used to fancy myself a "writer" of sorts. I'd get all smoked up and write these "incredibly profound" pieces, some of which were actually decent, most of which were stoned babblings and rants.

This morning, I sit in one of my favorite haunts, a nice little small town coffee shop with a great post-industrial, eclectic writers vibe, poised to put fingers to keys and create something for this weeks poets rally. A lot has changed with me in the 15+ years since I had my last drink and drug. One of the major changes has come very slowly and has manifested only recently. My desire to write has returned with an amazing amount of energy. I know I've had stuff to say, and I know God gave me the voice to say it. But it took me getting sober, having the courage to blog about it over the past five years, and the kindness of a few bloggers who write creatively, before I could let that voice out. I'm grateful beyond what words could adequately express. Sometimes that gratitude comes across in my pieces, at least I hope it does in one way or another. Last week I was blown away by the fact that 10 folks from our online poetry community think enough of my writing to list me among their favorites. That's a powerful experience for me! Wow!

I thank you all for coming around and for sharing yourselves through your writing! Thank you for welcoming me into this community!

"Integrated"

A person divided cannot proceed without chaos.
That was me, divided, a total loss
until God's Grace struck down my disease
with the fervor of young schoolkids
bursting from school at the long day's release.

The warmth of the truth stole over my heart
as if to say "Scott, we're no longer apart."
HP... now God, Jesus, Holy Spirit comfort me gently
while stripping away the spoiled layers a plenty.

Over the years, I've been so instructed
that I have a mission that won't be neglected.
I must carry this voice (that to me God has given)
to those who like me, stumble in all riven
run through, and throughOut, a life of sin and deceipt.
The pain from which they may lay at the feet.
of their HP, and the folks they will meet.

For God works through us all, and through me I do pray
He might work his miracles that maybe someday
I might find my own way to a life of peace and smiles.
So I might lay back and relax for awhile.

Today I have balance, I'm no longer driven
'tween a life of lies and pain, and a life I was living
inside my mind's eye, that life of fantasy and hope.
Today fantasy is real, and hope is no joke.
I'm one man with a voice, the one you've all helped me to yoke
so I might till fertile fields of love and understanding,
and weed out days of darkness and resentment demanding.

I'm grateful today to be in right mind,
at least most of the time, or well more often than not.
I'm whole and complete. I'm balanced, not riven.
I've God and you to thank. I've made barely a beginning.

Poetry Potluck

2011-03-01T06:47:00.005-05:00

This weeks prompts for Poetry Potluck are "Cartoons, Sci-Fi and Super Powers." I think I can make something of this prompt which is a bit off my overworn path. (This is a good thing, I think!) Visit Jingle Poetry to read tons of great writing, and post a link to your own inspired work!

Dreams of a galactic hero...

Thus Spake Zarathustra slowly rumbles to life
stirring within me a desire to right strife.
Across the galaxy I'll fly,
with wind borne tears in my eye,
picking my way through smashed bits
of what was once galactic cream pie.

It seems a collision was imminent between sugar and spice,
evidently condiments that couldn't play nice.
I arrive on the scene to take stock of my dream.
When fetched up I find myself, almost a scream.

Wait... 'twas not Zarathstra's rumble at all,
but my innards that started this off with their call.
And so it would seem
this space warrior must fall.
For the mission I accepted
was no adventure at all.

While it pains me to say, I here must surmize
That while deep in dark slumber,
I've just realized
I must've forgot to enjoy my light snack,
before sawing lumber and hitting the rack.

This too shall pass...

2011-02-26T08:21:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was one of those "I don't wanna be in a good mood" days lol. Amazing after such an affirmation the day before, huh? That's how it goes, more proof that this trip is really a One-Day-At-A-Time deal. We got a nice dump of heavy wet snow that I had to shovel before getting out to the office. (for the record, I HATE shoveling snow lol) It took me 90 minutes and much cursing under my breath.

I had a day where I knew I needed to get a TON of stuff done since I had been in meetings all week and at a conference last Thursday and Friday. Suffice it to say I was way behind! So, I had that "hurry up" mentality that can only result in needless stress, mistakes, impatience and ultimately frustration. And that's how much of the day went until I made myself slow down in the afternoon. I stopped what I was working on, popped Nat King Cole's rendition of "Stardust" on the CD player, closed my office door, closed my eyes and just existed with Nat and Hoagy Carmicheal for 4 minutes.

I've always had difficulty slowing my mind without outside assistance. Nat always helps me slow down, relax and be at peace. It worked again this time and I got a lot done at work and when I got home, despite the madness taking place there lol.

At any rate, this alcoholic still has to stop himself and just slow down and re-focus. So if you're new to sobriety and your mind is racing, it's wise to learn how to slow yourself down. I have to avoid hurry, indecision, judgement of others, anger and a whole litany of things if I want to live a peaceful sober existence.

This morning I feel better, so off we go! That too did pass...

affirmation

2011-02-24T07:03:00.002-05:00

Today is a good day. I'm alive, I am healthy, my family is great and I am sober.

It is important for me to remind myself of these things early and often. With all the negative stuff going on these days that's well beyond my control, I simply must focus on what's most important and what's right in front of me. Otherwise, I will get sucked into all the gloom and doom around me and go off the deep end. I cannot afford to be that way.

A friend called me yesterday with an urgent message to fill my gas tank because gasoline would be $5 per gallon in Ohio by Friday. He was dead serious. I just don't have it in me to live like that anymore. My peace of mind and serenity are too too important to me today, right now.

I pray for peace, for God's grace for all of us. I pray that those I know who a struggling with whatever is going on in their lives find peace, resolution and God's will. I thank God for all the many beautiful blessings and miracles in my life and I pray that I am willing to share them with others, that they might spread.

Today is a good day.

Poetry Potluck

2011-02-22T06:29:00.003-05:00

This week's theme for Poetry Potluck is "Our Home, Temple and Sanctum." As a recovering alcoholic, I am taken back to my humble beginnings in AA, my feeble attempts at stretching my young newly sober legs. I am reminded of my home group in AA, that place where "everybody knows your name" and offers themselves up for your recovery. Take a stab at our weekly Poetry Potluck, then visit Jingle Poetry to link us to your work.

Home Group

I stumble in, mind all fogged.

"'Aye, what happened to me?" I wonder in dismay.

The warm smiles that greet me

at first piss me off.

"How can these people be smiling

at a time like this?"

I shun attention, yet all they do

is welcome me and tell me

"You're the most important one here!"

"Please just kill me, leave me alone,"

I mutter through the gritted teeth

through feigned smile.

"We'll love you until you love yourself,"

they say cheerily, working in earnest

to gain my trust and attention.

"My trust?" No one has been

interested in my trust, or in trusting me

in quite some sad time.

And so it goes, week after week,

month after month,

one day at a time.

They lovingly hurly platitudes at me like

a barrage of friendly fire.

"First thing's First"

"Easy Does It"

"Think, Think, Think"

"Let Go Let God"

Before I know what's happening to me

a weary smile creeps crossed my face.

It occurs to me, I hadn't considered a drink

in a couple of days.

There are no words to describe

the amazement, the release.

Nothing can prepare this alcoholic

for the joy of the moment when

I relized I hadn't craved a drink or a drug

in a couple of days.

The strangest thing begins to happen to me.

Now with my newfound friends and life-savers,

I too grin stupidly at the frowning, frail, pale newcomer

as he stumbles across the threshold of new life.

I smile lovingly, knowing that if he stays around

long enough for the miracle to happen,

He'll find release, joy, love and peace

as I have, in this, my home group.

Thursday Poets Rally

2011-02-17T17:58:00.004-05:00

This writing thing is kool, methinks! I've been asked to check out the Thursday Poets Rally and so what the heck!! I'm posting a piece I wrote this past while on the way to a high school football game on the band bus (I am the Assistant Marching Band Director at our local high school). I think I posted this right after I wrote it but not as any kind of meme submission or anything. Please excuse the photo quality, moving in a bus with a blackberry... wrote the poem on the blackberry... technology is awesome!

"Band Bus"

Jostling, leaning, bouncing noisily on our way...

Sounds of youth streaming throughout the metal cylinder.
We make our way over sun covered breezy hills of dried cornstalks,
nearly amber as hey rattle from the passing breeze of our
clatter-trap, diesel fumed behemoth.

Arms over seat backs...

Squeaky voices, shrill throaty tones
sing the latest and greatest.

Are we there yet?
Just you look out now, for here comes the band!

Poetry Potluck

2011-02-14T08:35:00.007-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! In honour of St. Valentine's Day, Poetry Potluck examines love and relationships today. So, let your heart inspire your keyboard, and share the results with us over at Jingle Poetry!

"Love, just for today"

Love's not lost, only unaccounted for.

So many days we spent together, but somewhat adrift.

We've joined with each other, and God gave us this gift,

a son to enjoy, to teach, and live life with.

Many years we've spent with our sights set on him,

only to realize we've forgotten ourselves.

Today is a day where we focus less on within.

We pull our love from the shelves,

and the re-gifting begins.

We now rely more upon God than ourselves.

He is our focus but he,

our son, is more in perspective.

For if we don't have each other at our best,

he will suffer the almost certain unrest

that leads to much, too much distress.

Today we love, we do, we share.

Today we talk more, walls that divide, beware.

Today we set goals, and post them to see.

Now we're headed somewhere

we both hope to be.

This love of ours is changing for the better.

God's guidance leads us to much clearer weather.

Now he smiles more and frowns less

because we're not under duress,

like overworked leather.

We're coming full circle a day at a time.

My prayer for today seeks only sublime

moments together with him and alone.

We have only this life to give each one another,

and with his mother, my wife

I offer myself to Him, and him and no other.

So, I thank you God

for showing us the way

to a happier life

just for today.

Friday Flash 55

2011-02-11T06:57:00.003-05:00

Today is Friday, and that means Friday Flash 55!! Find an inspirational photo, tell a story with it in 55 words or less, and visit the G-Man to post your piece! Have fun with it!

Below, you see our dog Cosmo, sitting in the living room. Under all that fur is a

Parson Russell Terrier (longhaired, obviously), and a really sweet girl :)

"oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, as soon as mommy gets up, I am gonna jump

on her until she gives me a treat. I am gonna make like I have to pee

so she lets me out, then I am gonna come back

inside and get me a treat, yes I am!"

(53)

privileges

2011-02-08T06:42:00.004-05:00

This morning I have the privilege and honour to judge "God, Flag, and Country" speeches given by 4th-8th graders at one of the small rural schools served by our chamber of commerce. I got to do this last year and it was wonderful. To me, this is a huge privilege, one I wouldn't have, had I not gotten sober and gotten right with God. This contest is a big deal to these kids and it' a big deal to me.

Just another miracle of sobriety...

double dipping

2011-02-07T13:02:00.003-05:00

Well, today is a double dipper lol. I just came back to the office after a really great AA meeting on anger. It's been awhile since I'd attended a meeting where anger was the primary topic for discusion, and today's meeting was wonderful. It's aways healthy for me to be reminded that I am not the only person out here that has had to learn how to deal with his anger. (still learning)

Thankfully, I don't happen to be in an angry place to, or really lately. I listened to a newcomer share about his discovery of anger in himself. he seemed surprised to learn that he has anger, lol. We spend so much time anesthetising ourselves that we've forgotten how to feel. I remember that in early recovery, I couldn't figure out some mornings whether to shower or brush my teeth first because of the roller coaster of emotions I will living through. Such is the case with this fellow today. I'm grateful to be in much better shape where my emotionas are concerned, yet I am grateful too, to be reminded that I have much work yet to be done, especially where anger is concerned.

The magic of meetings over the years for me often manifests itself in watching what others are going through, applying their lessons to my own life, and sparing myself some insanity. AA is a wonderful "test tube" where we can all learn how to live again, how to feel, how to not react, and of course, how to remain sober one day at a time. I'm not entirely sure I could've gotten sober and gotten my life on track without AA, the meetings, the Steps and the wonderful people I've met.

They've certainly helped me to sort out my emotions, especially my anger. I am grateful to have been there to listen to this young man today, and share some of my experience, strength and hope with him.

micro-fiction-monday

2011-02-07T07:17:00.002-05:00

Welcome to Micro-Fiction-Monday, where a picture tells a story in 140 characters or less. Cut and paste this photo, write an inspired tale and share it with us over at Stony River Writing! Have fun!

"Why did you draw all the shades?" "It's too dark in here for me to

hold my afternoon nude model sketch class!" "I forgot to shave my legs!"

(140)

Friday Flash 55

2011-02-04T07:49:00.003-05:00

Event Parking: $10.00

Dinner for three at the Lucas Oil Stadium: $40.00

Three Tickets plus pit passes: $150.00

Knowing Ian loves Santa for giving him the gift of going to see his favorite Monster Jam trucks:

Priceless...

(37)

Each week, we play a little writing game where we select an inspiring photo as muse, and write a piece in 55 words or less. Visit the G-Man to post your work and visit others who are playing along! Happy writing!

Last weekend, we took my son to see Monster Jam in Indianapolis. Pictured here: Gravedigger, flying through the air during his freestyle run. Gravedigger was crowned Freestyle Champion for the event! My nine year old son Ian got to meet several big time drivers, get their autographs and have his picture taken with them and their trucks. Santa is still #1 in our household. Ian proclaimed on Christmas morning that the Monster Jam tickets

"are the best Christmas present ever!!"

a fun award!

2011-01-31T08:57:00.006-05:00

My friend Patricia over at "Layers of the Heart" awarded me with the Stylish Blogger Award. On behalf off the staff here at SoberNuggets (that's me lol), I humbly accept this award!

There are a few simple conditions and here they are:

1) Link back to the person who gave you the award

2) Share 7 things about yourself

3) Pass this along to 7 other stylish bloggers

4) Contact those bloggers to let them know they've been awarded.

Alright, seven things about Scott

1) I'm married with a nine year old son and a great Parson Russell Terrier

2) I'm a grateful sober member (15 yrs now) of Alcoholics Anonymous

3) I'm a budding writer, finding my way with caution and joy

4) I love helping others, especially working with youth

5) At my core, I'm a musician (trombone/drums)

6) I'm Catholic, having joined the Church in 2007

7) Also at my core, I am a people person, a professional salesman & marketer

Alright, seven stylish bloggers

1) Syd at "I'm just F.I.N.E."

2) Steve at "The Fourth Dimension"

3) Izzy at "Conversing"

4) Jessica at "Jessica's Japes"

5) drybottomgirl at "No More Merlot"

6) Moonie at "Moondustwriter's Blog"

7) Chris at "Enchanted Oak"

This is just a sampling of the dozens of blogs I frequent each week. I've discovered some inspiring recovery, some wonderful, thoughtful writing; and some amazing people in my time spent traveling the blogosphere. I hope you enjoy these folks as much as I do!

Friday Flash 55, "The Road to Happy Destiny"

2011-01-28T08:46:00.004-05:00

Find a photographic muse, let it guide your pen and tell a story.

Share it with G-Man and visit the other 55'ers!

My submission this time around celebrates my 15th AA anniversary today. Fifteen years ago today, I began my first sober day, and my life has gone in directions I cannot explain or be more grateful for. All I know is that I am eternally grateful to AA and the people who helped me find my way to recovery and back to God.

"We trudge a road together today.

Before I arrived, I could barely keep myself

between the lines, sometimes not at all.

You put me back together,

loved me til I could

love myself.

Now I give to others,

share what was freely given to me.

Gratitude falls far short of describing what I feel today."

(55)

Poetry Potluck

2011-01-25T16:33:00.006-05:00

Rules, Regulations, and Laws seems to be the themes this week for the Poetry Potluck. So, here's my weekly scoop of potluck poetry.

This little ditty inspired my take on rules, regulations and laws:

"Stardust melody"

Rules are plain to see,

but you see they're not for me.

Rather you hear, they're not to be

For I am for me, too free.

I simply cannot refrain

from meandering, no not in vain.

For if I were bound,

My melody would not be found

to be so dull and sane.

I must you see,

wander frequently,

to keep my song free

from form, temporarily.

Only to return

to the haunting melody

penned so cleverly

on a stardust night,

so peaceful, you see.

we do not wish to forget the past

2011-01-25T06:35:00.002-05:00

I cannot get over the change in my life since I stopped drinking in 1996. My life today is barely recognizeable from what it was when I arrived on the doorstep of AA. I haven't forgotten my last drinking/drugging episode, but it is difficult for me to imagine living that way.

I must remember where I came from, in order to continue on the path of recovery. I dare not toss my alcoholic and addict life completely in the trash bin if I am to stay sober and be of help to other recovering people. That's not to say that I cling to my old life, and replay all of those moments in gory detail. But, I musn't lost sight of the facts about how awful my drinking and drugging had gotten, and all the insanity I caused myself and others.

My past is now one of my greatest assets, kept in the proper perspective. Today I have a grateful heart, for the miracle God has worked in me. Today I can share that miracle, share my gratitude and give hope to those who are presently feeling as I did when I first came to meetings. There is hope, you do not HAVE to live the life of insanity, chaos and strife that active addiction and alcoholism creates. There is a solution, and for me that solution was in the form of the spiritual program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was led to a home group, found a sponsor, worked through the 12 Steps and eventually, gradually I got well and my life became much more positive and less chaotic.

Today, I am simply grateful to be given the chance at a sober life. I pray I can pass this hope on to someone who really needs it.

God Bless, be well...

Micro Fiction Monday

2011-01-24T09:39:00.003-05:00

Micro-Fiction Monday, where a photo tells a tale in 140 characters or less! Copy the photo, paste it into your blog, write a piece and share it at Stony River Writing, where others can enjoy! Have fun!

"The Sponsor"

"Why won't she trust me? I've been coming to meetings for 2 weeks!"

"You've been a liar for years. You expect trust to return in 2 weeks?"

(139)

We've been found!

2011-01-24T09:21:00.003-05:00

I received an email this morning telling me that SoberNuggets has been included on a website guide for folks seeking recovery blogs and websites. The list appears to be a well organized (by type of blog/content) list of excellent sobriety resources. I recognized several blogger friends on the list, and I plan to use the list to make new friends in the recovery blogosphere. You can find the site by clicking here. Thanks for including my blog!! That's the idea really, to share what was freely given to me in AA.

Friday Flash 55

2011-01-21T09:49:00.003-05:00

It's Friday, and time for Flash Friday 55 once again! Take a pic, let that pic be your muse for a short piece (55 words or less). Stop by to tell Mr Know-It-All a thing or two about your writing and we'll come by for a visit!

"I stick my head out for a quick, refreshing breath.

The morning sun beats down upon the

still, frozen landscape, reminding me

how insignificant I really am in the scheme of things.

Mother Nature did her thing,

despite my wishes for warm weather.

I take that breath and return to the warmth

of my office."

I am blessed to live in a beautiful little community in Western Ohio, along the Miami and Erie Canal. My office is situated in a brand new building along the canal and affords me a wonderful view of the canal and our quaint little town. I don't have to look far for writing and spiritual inspiration! This is the view out the front door of our building, looking south along the canal. We were alotted seven whole degrees this morning. Don't spend them al in one place! wow!

Poetry Potluck

2011-01-19T10:46:00.004-05:00

Recovery

When first discovered, I knew not what meaning it would ultimately have for me.

Is this a cult?

Are they going to brainwash me?

What if I don't fit in?

Wat if they don't like me?

What will they make me do?

All I needed was a desire to stop drinking...

turns out, that's all I really had.

They welcomed me with open arms,

honesty and understanding.

They didn't judge me, how could they?

I learned how not to drink,

one day at a time.

I learned how to live life on

life's terms,

one day at a time.

Slowly, surely I rediscovered myself.

It turns out, my brain did need washing.

They loved my until I could love myself.

And now, I owe.

No, they don't charge for their services.

But I owe...

I must give away what was freely given me

lest I risk losing the miracle of this

life of freedom and release

from the bondage of self.

Thank God for AA,

for without it I'd be lost.

Poetry Potluck is a really wonderful gathering of writers who write on a weekly theme. You can find all of us at Jingle Poetry This week's theme is "languages, signs and symbols.' The image I've chosen represents all three of the components of our theme. This is one of the symbols for Alcoholics Anonymous, an organization I've been an active member of for nearly 15 years. Joining AA has to be the best thing I've ever done for myself, far and away. I still attend meetings today, that I might never forget where I came from. I still come around so that I can be here for the still struggling alcoholic/addict who comes through those doors that were open to me when I arrived back on Jan 28, 1996.

Flash Friday 55 "Prayer"

2011-01-14T08:18:00.004-05:00

Friday Flash 55 Fiction... find an inspiring photo, write that inspiration in 55 words or less, come on over to see the G-Man and share your tale... Enjoy!

My God in heaven, I pray to You this day...

Please help us heal.

A man came, he shot, wounded and killed,

changed our country in such a way

that many must point fingers and

spread poisonous vitriol

to feel better themselves.

All we need to do is be still,

seek peace and give love.

Micro Fiction monday

2011-01-10T16:18:00.003-05:00

Good day, all! It's time for another installment of Micro Fiction Monday, where a photo tells a story in just 14o characters. So, write yours up and stop by Susan's place at Stony River to share it with us!

You know Herb, if you'd buy that can of oil like I suggested,

you MIGHT have a chance at sneaking up on me!

(107)

Week 17 Poetry Potluck

2011-01-09T20:24:00.005-05:00

This week's theme is Journey and The Road Ahead. This photo is from a winter hike along the Miami and Erie Canal in western Ohio we took this afternoon. My wife is up ahead in the black coat walking our dog Cosmo. My son is in the yellow coat in front of me. It was a beautiful day to be out and about!

A winter walk...

Trudging along, clouds of frozen breath

streaming beside my face,

barely any breeze to draw my attention

from the whir of possibility

in my mind.

I watch ahead as they scramble on

the frozen tow path, amid the sticks and ruts

of the winter, each in their own solitude.

They smile at passersby, not knowing names

but glad for company from thoughts that wander too

far into the distance.

My own thoughts meander along like the tiny

rivulet of water beneath the icy, winding canal bottom.

A darting flash of red I think I saw...

no wait, just my mind again.

I try to focus in upon myself,

to slow the stream of images, wrangling with each other

for prominence in the discussion of what the year will bring.

"I love this weather," says my heart.

"I beg to differ," my face and toes!

In the end, feet damp and chilled,

faces frozen in smiles of simple wonder

at nature's delight on a cold, frosty January day.

Nothing solved, nothing decided.

Hearts and minds cleared for renewed efforts

at bringing about another day in the life.

Crunch Time for my spirit!

2011-01-09T09:08:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm less than a week away from leading our AA Men's Retreat and preparations are in full swing lol. I've run a pre-packaged retreat before and really enjoyed that. This will be my first foray into creating the entire program from scratch and leading it. Our theme is "Spirituality, the Essence of Recovery" and the only difficulty I am having now is finishing the two guided meditations I am writing for the men. Most of the content is together, I just need to finish the meditations and pull everything together and tweek it all for flow and timing. This has been a fun project to work on and I really hope the guys enjoy the weekend, and get something out of it. The real jackpot for me will be to keep my ego out of the way and focus on the men and the program. I've been praying a bit on that one!

I'm hoping for a bit of writing and mediation inspiration this afternoon during our annual Winter Lockkeeper's Cnanal Hike. Our town is situated on the Miami and Erie Canal in western Ohio. Our particular community has called upon its original identity as we develop and construct ourselves in the 21st century. A few years ago, they rebuilt the canal lock at the center of town, and most recently a replica of the original Lockkeeper's House was constructed (that houses my office). If you promise not to link back to this blog, and your interested in more infomation, I will email you the link to the blog I write for the Lockkeeper's House and the chamber of commerce I run. Email me at: smfloan@gmail.com for the link.

At any rate, it will be a frozen wintry walk up and down the canal towpath through town and trees and gently, barely rolling countryside lol. Birding opportunities abound and the scene is picturesque and peaceful. It will make a nice way to spend Sunday afternoon. It's also a good bit of exercise, something I am trying to improve upon.

prayer...

Heavenly Father, please help me sort out my thoughts, bring my spirit in line with Your intentions for me. I pray that I make myself willing to seeek and follow Your will today. Please help me get out of self and into Your service today. Thank you for the many miraculous blessing that adorn my life, and I pray I remember to share them with those I meet along the road of life today.

back to the grind?

2011-01-06T08:54:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm slowly getting back into the usual work routine, following 10 days on the road visiting family over the holidays.

I've managed two AA meetings already this week and I must say I feel a difference in my spirit. Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of our local noon meeting. We had pizza, fellowship and discussed gratitude for an hour. There was some very fragile, new sobriety in the room and that mdae for a wonderful meeting.

Last evening I got back to teaching CCD (Catholic religious ed) at church, and I had the Jr High kids celebrating the Sacrament of Reconciliaton (going to confession) and my usual class with the high school kids. I love helping the kids understand and go through the confession process. So many folks see this as some sort of guilt-ridden punishment deal. It really couldn't be farther from that. But unfortunately we Catholics have gotten a bad rap on that one (quite possibly well deserved). But, as a sober alcoholic in AA, I have a very positive perspective on the 4-5th Steps, and that's really what's taking place at Reconciliation. So, I make it a point to help the kids really understand why we confess, seek forgiveness and ultimately receive it.

I arrived home to find Mr. Holland's Opus playing on the tv, and I got sucked into it. The first time I saw it, I was about 2 mos sober. I sat, watched intently and proceeded to soak my tee shirt from the tears that fell as the movie moved me profoundly. (I drank and smoked away my music teacher gig before it really got going.) I hadn't sat and watched the movie since. Well, last night I watched the last 1/3 of it, and like the first time, I sat and wept through the ending. This time things are different. I may not be the actual band director but, I am teaching, I assisted with the marching band this year and I am slowly being allowed to reclaim a piece of my teaching dreams. I wept for new, more joyous reasons.

All this following a gratitude meeting, imagine that. (just sayin')

Micro Fiction Monday

2011-01-03T05:42:00.003-05:00

A picture is worth 1,000 words or so they say... Ok, maybe not 1,000 words but no more than 140 characters :-) Let this photo be your muse, write a short story and visit Susan over at Stony River Writing to tell us all about your work! Have fun!

"The first day on the new job is going well," thought Ned. "But, I thought they said snake handler, not snake oil salesman," Ned mused.

Poetry Potluck week 16

2010-12-29T16:33:00.002-05:00

My friend Jingle hosts a wonderful Poetry blog at Jingle Poetry and each week we get together to write a piece on a theme provided by Jingle. This week, the theme is celebrations and festivities. I thought I might recall a thought process that was common to me for many years prior to my getting sober in AA nearly 15 years ago. Enjoy.

"self conversation"

Heart races... "What if they don't have enough?"
Another successful trip to the liquor store
ensures I won't have to worry.
I won't run dry.
"Oh, I know it's not a problem, but isn't it?"
A good high to stat the day wears on into the afternoon
as I contemplate my couture for the gala party I won't recall in the end.
"Oh wait... I wasn't going to do this again was I?"
"Ahh well, off we go... It's set in motion and there's no turning back."
It's another New Year, more amateurish attempts at an all nighter mostly fail.
"I won't fail, in fact I 've already won."
"I've equippped myself for another great party and avoided talking myself
out of abstinence once again. I'l deal with the fallout beyond the fun.
Happy New Year, more of the same. When will it end?
I cannot say."

Micro Fiction Monday

2010-12-27T08:24:00.003-05:00

...where a photo tells a story in 140 characters or less! Copy and post this pic, tell your tale in 140 characters or less, and zip on over to Susan's place to let us know all about it!

Here's mine:

"So this Cardinal walks into a bar with his Blue Jay buddy..." J interrupts: "aw c'mon Julius, you know I hate racial jokes, man!"

(129)

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T11:43:00.002-05:00

Well, it's here! Christmastime has arrived! We're at my mother's home up near Toledo, we'll do the family thing here, do givts tonight and tomorrow morning, then head to my dad's home again on Sunday. Tuesday it's off to West Virginia to visit my wife's family. Busy times, good times, relaxing times with family. That's what the Holidays are all about for me. Gifts are fun and nice but it's good to have some time offf from the grind, eat, visit, relax, sleep a little extra and grab a spiritual recharge through this whole process.

Sobriety means just a little bit more to me during Christmas. When I was out "doing my thing" I would stay stoned and drunk all through this entire Holiday run. I loved it! The Holidays gave me an excuse to over indulge with the rest of the "amateurs," lol. And believe me, I took full advantage of it! It's noce not to be the center of the drama and chaos. It's wonderful to remember what happens, and not feel awful in the mornings. I treasure being able to enjoy my family, especially my wife and son who've never known me drunk. Wonderful!

I hope and pray all of you have a blessed, peaceful Holiday :-) Be well!

Tuesday Truths

2010-12-21T12:24:00.002-05:00

I was able to finally get to the local noon AA group here in town It had been a few weeks between meetings, so I was ready to see my AA family. The newest of the meeting attendees (about 6 months) wanted to talk about how to carry the message of recovery to those who ask for help. Evidently he hass a friend he's been trying to help who hassn't "gotten it" yet.

I have never really been on an official "middle-of-the-night" 12 Step call before, so I coudn't really sppeak to that. But, I have been to the hospital, and have worked with scores of beginners one-on-one and in meetings. I recall being "young" in sobriety, and wanting to help as many "people who need it" as I could find. I merely wanted to shre the gift I'd been given so freely in AA. This guy had the same passion in his voice. We had to remind him that even though he hadn't been "successful" in getting his friend into recovery, he had managed to stay sober himself, and had benefitted from the process of sharing his story with this friend.

We talked about the importance of going with a sponsor or two when making a 12-Step call on a potential AA. We talked about the fact that we MUST carry the AA message to others if we are to remain sober ourselves. For me, I MUST be reminded of what's out there waiting for me, lest I forget where I've come from and decide that drinking and drugging might be a good idea again. There is nothing quite like watching a newcomer "get it" but for most newcomers, this is a process and not an event. I love to share the miracle given me by my HP (God, as I understand Him) with newcomers, but I have to remember not to make demands of newcomers, not to "instruct" them, and not to be all sanctimonious and profound, especially where spirituality is concerned. I must be humble, and tell my story honestly. Hopefully, the newcomer will be ready to hear what I have to say, and will be able to relate. Then the recovery can really begin.

Even at nearly 15 years sober in AA, it is still important for me to work with other alcoholics/addicts. I can too easily get comfortable in my recovery, and allow some poor thinking and dishonesty to creep in. I must remain in contact with newcomers, old-timers in meetings and one on one. Yesterday was a great reminder of this simple fact!

Micro Fiction Monday

2010-12-20T08:31:00.003-05:00

Welcome to Micro Fiction monday, where a photo tells a tale in 140 character (or less). Mine is below, once you've taken a moment to contemplate, reflect, write and post to your blog, visit Susan at Stony River to let us know you're out there. Lots of other micro writers will pop by for a read!

Sober Holiday Checklist:

We drove ourselves,

our sponsors are following quietly behind

and HP is looking over our shoulder.

We can do this!

(140)

The Holidays can present an especially dificult time for those folks in recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction. It's suggested that we always drive ourselves so we can leave if we grow uncomfortable. Take a sober friend, remember to pray and have faith. And, if after all those preparations, you still don't feel comfortable going to Holiday parties where there will be drinking, you can ALWAYS find a sober gathering of friends in AA. Hit a meeting and ask around! The Holidays can be some of the best, most sober times in our lives, even as recovering alcoholics.

my first interview!

2010-12-19T18:54:00.003-05:00

How cool is this? (well I think it's pretty cool lol). I've given my first ever online interview, you can check it out here. Jamie wanted to discuss how writing creatively had become a part of my recovery. I'm not one to toot my own horn, but it is kind of neat to read an inerview with yourself online lol.

I can say for sure that my friend Chris, over at Enchanted Oak deserves a LOT of credit for giving me a nudge in the directon of writing, and putting my stuff out there. Thanks Chris, you're a good friend!

Thanks Jamie for your interest!

Poetry Potluck week 15

2010-12-19T18:42:00.012-05:00

The Poety Potluck Week 15 theme is: "reflection, interpretation and musings." I've chosen this idea of Advent, in the Catholic sense of the word. Advent is a time of waiting, of preparation for the birth of Christ, where we grow to know Him more fully at Christmastime. I thought I'd share precisely where I am with my preparation this year.

Pop on over to Jingle Poetry to read other wonderful pieces...

"Preparation"

Awaiting Him in silent examination,
I anticipate His arrival with much trepidation.
I wish to grow closer, but to do so would mean
to give up vices I'm not certain I've finished with.
I celebrate His birth with the rest of the world,
yet I hesitate to turn ymself over completely to Him.
It's the season for preparation...
for solemn vow, and forgiveness, then Grace.
Slow deliberate rumination won't lead me there,
but may let me finally open myself to Him
more fully in time for the Season.
In the meantime I give of myself, for I owe.
In hopes of one day making a more complete
consummative offering of my heart once and for all.

interesting turns

2010-12-19T09:29:00.002-05:00

My blogging has taken an interesting and unexpected turn these past few months. I've found myself longing to write, creatively. I think I've always had that in me, but was a bit "shy" about actually writing and putting myself out there like that. But, after four and half years of blogging about my recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction I guess the prose and poetry stuff is a natural extension.

For those of my readers who come seeking recovery, my hope is that you still find what you're looking for, even if what you find here is prose and poetry. I believe there's a peace that comes from reading something written from someone's heart. I hope I am able to convey that peace to my readers, because I sure get it from writing, and from reading your blogs.

So, please hang in there with me if you're seeking my experience in AA and some sober nugget here. They still abound, but perhaps not in the form you might expect. Andd for those off you who've been coming round to read some prose and poetry, I welcome you all with open arms! I'm grateful to have made a whole host of new friends through writing.

Have a peaceful Sunday, I hope to be back around after church for a bit of a write... be well!