Monday, April 16, 2007

good old Step 4!

Stuck at 15lb lost... lol Well, at least I've lost 15 lbs! I feel better, my clothes are getting quite loose (already down one pants size) and I can go longer in half court basketball with the fit 20 somethings... progress... it's all about the progress!

"So these desires-- for the sex relation, for material and emotional security, and for companionship--are perfectly necessary and right, and surely God-given. Yet these instincts, so necessary for our existence, often far exceed their proper functions."
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions p. 42.

Man, can I run with that first part, wow! God-given... aaaallllrighty then! That must mean that it's all good! lol My whol emantra through life has been something like: "if a little is good, a whole lot must be better..." They were thinking of me when they coined the term "self will run riot!" The thing is, that it's so good to read things like this as one perpares to begin a searching and fearless moral inventory. When I came around, there were so many things about me that I had all wrong, or overblown. I hated myself for so many things yet, on the other hand, I acted like I was some sort of supreme being. I was classic "ego maniac with an inferiority complex."

Doing an inventory on the "truth about Scott" accomplished a few things. It set in writing the facts about me while detaching them from the editorial group in my head (IBSC). You see, once you commit something about yourself to paper, it can only be fact. There's no filter to run it though in your head, cuz it's now just a fact on paper. Writing stuff down helped me get great perspective on myself. It removed those warped and twisted, rusty-ass filters that I used to screen every thought through. Without writing things down, and then sharing them (in Step 5) with another human being, I would still be running my truth through my awful filters. Once I got all that stuff down on paper, I could remove any and all emotion from the stuff, and see it all for what it is. Lo and behold, I wasn't nearly as awful as I thought I was and I was certainly not as wonderful as I thought I was. I turned out to be just another guy, living life, messing up, succeeding, etc, not really any better or worse than anyone. What a relief!

There was one major question left to ask myself once I had completed my 4th and 5th Steps. "Why the HELL did I wait so long to od that?" It wasn't nearly the big deal I had made it out to be. And really,I had made myself insane with fear and worry over doing my initial 4th Step. It was important, and it was scary getting started, but really, it ended up being no big deal. YAY HP!! Just make sure you have a great HP, an awesome sponsor and a good ahndle on Steps 1-3, and you're ready to make a beginning on a life-time of freedom!

Prayer for today...

God/HP/JC, thank You for another day sober! Thank You for my blogging friends! Thank You for arranging it so my mom in law and my wifes cousin can come and stay with us this week to help my wife and I get ready for the garage sale this weekend. I knnow this will be a HUGE help for my wife. And Thanks God, for helping me to be motivated to get rid of all the stuff I have pulled out thus far. HP, I ask your blessing for my elderly neighbor across the street. He had to put his wife in a home awhile back (Alzheimer's disease) and now his oldest daughter just passed away from cancer. Please help comfort him in his grief. I pray that I might be able to help in whatever way he needs me to. God, please take good care of my friend SC. Help her find her way, help her friends be there for her, whatever she needs. Help me remeber to be of service to You and to all whom I meet in the course of my journey through life.

peace be with you all!


Mary Christine said...

Peace be with you too Scott.

dAAve said...

Good stuff.
That's the most common thing I hear about Step 4 -- that it's never as "bad" as people thought it would be. Why do we make such a BIG thing about progressing in recovery? (me included)

Sober Chick said...

Isn't it crazy how our minds can run us MAD??? I am newly discovering the "Just Do It." If I give myself time to think about it, then I am in trouble! I love the Daily Reflections today:

"I did not know one of the definitions of "courage" is the "willingness" to do the right thing in spite of fear."

Pretty amazing. Thanks for your wonderful share Scott.

CactusFreek said...

Good on you for the weight loss! If feels really good when clothes get lose aye? i've heard! lol