Tuesday, February 07, 2006

the "dumpy crummies"

You know, all things being equal, technially speaking, my life is pretty ok these days. However, I am not feeling so positive today. I just got done cashing in some IRA $ to have on hand in case I need to cover monthly bills over the next couple months. I had to do that last year, I'll probably get smacked on taxes for it this year! I hate to do it but, you can't enjoy retirement if you starve to death before ya get there. It just makes me sick to have to do it. I am in a commission only sales gig, that's in a really tough market right now. I have applied for a really great part time job, hoping to get a call over the next couple days. Picking up that gig would really help smooth out the rough spots between commission checks, and still allow for me to do my thing with my current job. I suppose I really should be grateful that I have the money put back that I can get at. And, in a way I am grateful, it's just not going quite according to plan. It makes me sort of sick to be going backwards financially right now, but it is what it is, and I am trying to handle situations which used to baffle me, and used to give me a reason to drink. I just don't like it, I guess. That's what it truly boils down to. I'm just not gettin' my way right now and I feel bad. My pride is hurt, and I am ooooh so good at beating myself up. I do realize that's not going to solve anything, and from a professional standpoint, it's not going to help me sell or interview well, should I get that call. So, I decided to write about it on here...

I have been prescribed some thyroid meds and an anti-depressant (Zoloft). I have been struggling for a long time with my moods, strong feelings of apathy, sadness, anger, self esteem, weight... These feelings/issues have become something beyond what I have been able to deal with on a spiritual basis. So, about 3 weeks ago, my doc put me on these two meds. I am wondering, how long is it before a person begins to notice a change in their moods, demeanor, etc? Anyone got any experience, strength and hope along those lines? It took a lot of self-analysis & internal arguing to get to the point last summer where I even metioned how I felt to my doc. It took until 3 weeks ago to even inquire about meds... I guess with my background in drugs/alcohol, I am a bit leery about medicating my feelings/emotions. However, I get to points during the week/day/month where I just don't feel like anything can change my down moods or my anger... So, there we have it... technically, nothing is really "wrong" with my life... Things could certainly be worse... but today, despite all that I know I am grateful for, I am feeling a bit of the "dumpy crummies..." as my first sponsor used to put it.

Thanks for listening...

1 comment:

Tab said...

Hi Scott, thank you for stopping by my blog and offering your advice and experiences,I appreciate it very much.
As for your current "state"of mind,
I am no doctor but it sounds like you may benefit from one on one counselling with someone.The med's are not miracle pills, there might be something chemical in the brain or not, take every option while you are open to them.You have a wonderful blog, I will be by again soon.Take good care!
Thanks for sharing,
Tab