Wednesday, February 08, 2006

HP has seen fit to give me the Gift of music... I have even finally gone so far as to let other people in my life know of this gift. You see, I really threw away my career in music through my drinking and drugging. The guilt and shame over throwing away this career has been one of the toughest issues for me to work through in recovery. So, for me to be playing again, especially in church (heck just going to church is a miracle in itself, he he) is a pretty big deal for me and my program.

Why do I bring all this up... well my previous post from yesterday pretty well described my lousy feelings, the crappy spiritual place I had been hanging out in.. After dinner last nite, it dawned on me that I needed to get my horn out and practice for an upcoming chruch performance. Well, my son (4) loves for me to play, and often comes in and honks away on his little song flute, plays his drums, his guitar or the keyboard, all the while singing/screaming at the top of his lungs. Back in the days of my being a "serious musician," this would've been unacceptable while I was practicing. Somehow, his "musical performance" not only doesn't bother me, I actually enjoy playing together with him. A few months ago I started playing again because I wanted to share my gift with him. I see his love of music comes naturally so I figured I had better share with my son the Gift God gave me. So, last nite, was a wonderful, spiritual experience for me, that really dragged my butt outta the dumpy crummies I was in...

HP did for me what I couldn't do for myself, big time... None of the challenges I face in my daily life were changed, or "fixed." But, I sure felt better for by just enjoying time with my boy, sharing the Gift of music... I have felt a lot of joy while playing my horn, and I have really missed that. It has taken me 10 yrs of recovery to get right with this guilt. I guess there's a lot to be said about the student being ready, and the teacher appearing... But, I will bet that I probably didn't HAVE to wait this long to get right with all this.


Alexis said...

I can't think of a better accopanyment to your horn than a 4 year old ENTHUSIASTICALLY playing his drums, guitar etc. I'm sure you made wonderful music together! And he got to play with his dad! How cool is that? How cool is it that you had the patience, kindness, tolerance and love to let him? I couldn't 'play' with my kids when I was drinking..... it was silly stuff. I'm so grateful I gave myself permission to be silly!

Tab said...

What an inspirational post Scott!
Thanks for sharing.