closing day

I have a closing in about an hour with a local realtor. This has been one insane loan to put together. My patience has been put to the test, and until Friday, I was doing well. Some problems created by the realtor caused us to delay our originally scheduled Thursday closing until today. When all of this went down on Thursday, I didn't get upset, rattled or even mildly annoyed. Instead, I laughed the entire thing off, thankful it wasn't me who caused the problem. (The realtor's wife, also a realtor even admitted to me that they screwed up big time and how it was good that I had gotten things together as well as I had or we'd have really had a problem). Well, Friday afternoon as things are winding down for the week, I get this call from the Realtor, berating me on how I messed everything up, and if I would just focus on doing things correct and according to RESPA laws, we would never have had this problem. I have a slight little problem with being yelled at, especially for something I had nothing to do with. I knew this gentleman was merely trying to cover his ass and dump his shit on me. Well, he's the only realtor in this little town, and my primary source of business. So, slow as things are for me, I certainly can ill afford to lose this guy's business. I let him have his rant, tried to point out that I had done everything that needed to be done but, he wouldn't hear any of it. He just kept me under the heat lamps for screwing this whole mess up. Well, we hung up and I got pissed... real pissed... I have this way of keeping relatively kool under fire. But, once i hang up the phone, the bitching starts... I ranted and raved for awhile to my wife, stomped around the house, blah blah blah. After cooling down, I decided I needed to call this guy back and get things straightened out. I was quite proud of how I handled things when I callled back. I didn't argue, nor pick a fight, even thought I KNEW he was covering his ass. I let him say his piece, expressed my concerns that I had done everything I could and that I hoped this wouldn't effect our future business relationship. Well, he told me he wasn't upset with me, just how things ended up (totally backed down, in other words). I guess I am going to great lengths to explain this because of my anger (thanks Anna!). While I handled this guy fairly well by standing my ground politely, and allowing him to basically blow himself out, I didn't do so well by ranting and raving around the house. I was worried about hurting my business relationship, that I allowed my anger to affect my personal relationship with my wife and son. Man, I hate that...

The problem is fear. Plain and simple, fear... I am afraid of how things are going for me professinally and financially. So, when anything jeopardizes that, or appears to be doing so, I get nervous, prone to anger, etc. The solution as I can figure it is to let go, let God, do the next right thing, keep working at it, look for options that will improve my situation. While I have been getting to alot more meetings, spending time sharing with AA's, my prayer and meditation has been lacking. Fear is lack of faith. I think I can help myself by praying more, listening more, spending more time connected, dialed in to HP.

Every 4th step I have taken has ended up with the same conclusion, the same basis for all my defects of character and problems: FEAR!! Right now, I have a ton of it with regard to my job and money. So, it stands to reason that I am struggling. I need to develop a greater faith that things are going to be what they are and that HP will take care of business, as long as I keep doing the next right thing and do my part.

'nuff said