Monday, September 18, 2006

cause - effect

Basically, weight loss/gain seems to be to be a simple sort of mathematics equation. If in is more than out, weight is gained. If out is more than in, weight is lost. Now, I know that's an over simplification but, I think in principle, it's pretty much that simple. Nutrition on the other hand, is a whole different bag of cats. Ok, enough of the BS, I gianed weight this past week. I think I was 237.5 last week, I awoke to a rather portly 241.5 this morning. While it is quite discouraging to have that happen when you're trying to lose weight, it's important that I define "trying to lose weight." Let's see... this past week, I didn't exercise, and I ate too much bad food too many times. So, I think that about covers the weight gain. No one to blame but myself, no victims here, and I don't think I can describe this past week as one where I was "trying to lose weight." I think it was probably more like "hoping I don't gain too much cuz I have been too busy to exercise (ok, there's an excuse...) and I know this stuff I am eating is not good for me but I am eating it anyway..." So, that sucks, did it to myself, I'll just have to do better this week. There's nothing like some good old consequences to get the old weight loss/health improvement game back on track, lol. I know this blog is about recovery from alcohol and drug addiciton primarily but this is where I am at, and it's definitely a part of my recovery today. So is the honesty I need to share about my progress and efforts. Thanks dAAve for holding me accountable...

Ok, onward and upward... Let's see, after 8 years of holding a Saturday morning AA meeting in our local county jail, I witnessed my first fight between inmates in the meeting. I dont like fighting and violence, and it was bothersome to witness but it really was nothing more than a couple angry men who didn't demonstrat a whole lot of self control. No one got hurt and we ended up having a great meeting so, no biggie. It really just reminds me of what I have to look forward to, if my Sobriety Loses It's Priority.

The apple picking deal was a bit of a bust Friday. The orchard's insurance won't allow them to allow people to pick their own apples. Bummer... Thank's all you blame shifting gold-diggers and dumb ass attorneys out there for that! We had a decent day hanging out and all, but it was a little disappointing. Saturday's trip to this festival that my wife just had to get to was a bust as well. She decided to get some much needed errand running done, and just meet us at the festival. Well, there's wasn't much for a 5 yr old to do at this thing, and there I was trying to entertain him (which ended up consisting of me watching him play on some playground equipment most of the afternoon), awaiting my wife's arrival so she could check out alll the crafts and what not. It ends up that she calls and says "I am still out running around, not sure when I will be back up your way, but hey, at least it's a nice day to be out, huh??" Well, it was indeed a nice day to be out, no question. It was a beautiful day to be out, especially to spend it with Ian. We walked around the lake, through the woods, etc. but, in the end, she ended up not even coming to the festival she wanted to go to. Yes, it sounds as if I have a bit of a resentment, and perhaps I might (which is my problem). I guess that my problem is that if I would've done that, holy shit... not good! I can understand getting your shopping groove on, especially without the annoying husband and boy, no problemo I understand. But, we werent the ones who wanted to go to this thing to begin with, lol. I could've taken Ian golfing (which he has been begging to do) or on this really kool driving tour of area farms (which he loves farms, tractors, etc.) And, furthermore, she finally got home from shopping, in this (per the usual routine around the house) awful mood. I mean to tell you. It was all I could do to not raise a stink (which I didn't). but, I have to say that while I completely understand that she's going through some sort of a thing, and has been for a loooooooong long time (basically since we got pregnant). I am beginning to get just beat down with the constant negative vibe and "glass half empty", let's worry about everything deal around the house. I have a very tough time not letting that effect me (which is up to me, and competely my own business). I do pretty well alot of the time, especially since the addition of the bloggage, the Zoloft and the additional meetings. But it seems like the more I try, the more I end up saying or doing something she doesn't like, all the while trying not to react to her often depressive and foul moods. I try to remember that she deserves to be given the space and attention and love and consideration of a sick person (she is after all an alcoholic, sober nearly 7 yrs). But man... It just seems to be a constant thing these days... I dunno, to be honest. Her happiness is not my responsibility, or so Al-Anon taught me. I just get tired of it. I mean I can come home in such a good mood and man, the mood around the house just sucks the life outta me. Then I react, and she gets pissed, and off we go, lol yay! And to boot, her response to me is often "i feel the same way about you..." when I try to bring it up or if we end up arguing about the mood around the house, or someones poor attitude touches off a disagreement. I kinda feel as if maybe if I never reacted to her, never ever got upset with her, always talked to her like I was Mr. Rogers, maybe that would be the best thing. But, I am incapable of that... I am just not that perfect. I find myself getting more and more frustrated with the situation, which of course causes a deterioration in how I talk to her and so forth.

I don't really know what I hope to accomplish by writing all of that out, and I may well delete this post after awhile, I hate to get into detail about my marriage on here, but I am feeling rather shitty about my home life these days, and have been for quite some time. If I could only get the focus back on me (where I have tried and tried to keep it), and just work on the problems I bring to the party, I know I would feel better... But, right now, I am just all yucko about it... And, I do not mean to imply that I have no part in this situation. I know I have a temper, I know I do and say things that piss her off. But, mine are momentary occurances, there and gone again, not this subtle day in day out dreary drudgery morass of negativity. And unfortunately, I allow her moods to dictate my behavior, and that's not good. That's on me.

Anyhow, I don't even know where to go from here except forward, whatever that is. I don't even feel like praying, but, I know I need to. Oh, and I found out yesterday, that one of the old timers who really set me on my way to recovery, founding member of my old home group in Toledo passed away yesterday morning. Charlie C, I wil miss you always, and shall forever be grateful to what you did for me, and thousands of other drunks in your 35 years in AA. Be at rest my friend... And, Saturday was the 1 yr anniversary of the passing of my friend Teddy, who died at 49 after a long and difficult 3 year battle with Cancer. I miss you, my friend...

Ok, Prayer for the day....

God/HP, thank You for keeping me sober each day for the past 10.5+ yrs. It amazes me, with the fragility of sobriety, that I have not ever found it necessary to drink since giving myself to you, and surrendering my powerlessness to you. God/HP, thank You for the Blessing of friendship and love You used Charlie and Teddy to transmit to me. They changed me forever, thank You for sending them to me, and me to them. God, thank You for the time Ian and I had together all weekend, we had fun hanging out and playing. God/HP, thank You for putting my wife in my life, I have learned so much about myself and about recovery, been introduced to Al-Anon as a direct result of knowing her (not to mention our son). I know she is struggling, and I know I can't really do anything to help her so, please relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may be more aware of her struggles, and not add to them, but be there for her, offering tolerance, love, kindness and understanding. And, if an when I should fail at that, please help me to not be so hard on myself. I pray for Your WIll and Grace in my life, and in the lives of all my family and friends today. And, I ask a special dose of Your Love and Will for my AA friend Amy who just found out she has a malignant tumor.

peace to y'all, sorry this was so long...

8 comments:

Gwen said...

My sponse and I were talking and I said my constant problem is how to deal with John and Reid. If I lived with Sally and Jenny getting along with them would be my biggest problem. Thank GOD for Twelve Steps!!!! Have a great day.

PS ~ I hear ya on the diet~o stuff.

Sober Chick said...

Food can be baffling as alcohol. Today I do the exact thing I use to do with the RUM bottles -- the hiding, planning, the secretcy (spelled wrong?) and so forth. We are obsessive people that have the strong ablity to jump from one deadly behavior to the next. Your thought processing when it comes to food I can totally relate. Our Dz is so complex, and I am grateful when I know someone else is also fighting this war -- cuz I know I am not alone.

Bug Ole Hugs!!!

Mary Christine said...

It sounds like you have too much to think about. Please take care of you.

dAAve said...

Lotsa stuff on your mind today.
Let some go, handle the rest.
Let's see, would that be Steps 1-3?

Shannon said...

I feel ya on the weight thing.. I was just thinking since last year.. I have gained 10 lbs and the year prior was 10 and so Ihave a total of 20lbs that work like this... off come 8lb on come 10 off come 11 on come 7 its sooo frustrating.. I know I am not doing something right... I get into a rutt and gain, then I BINGE... not good... its another vicious cycle.. me and hubby are now going to try OA... same prinicple we need help applying them to our eating like.. sorrt I went on a tagent there.. hang in ther Scotty. hugs and a smile!

lash505 said...

Yes stay away from the head. Focus on the heart.

Scott W said...

All good advise. One inmportant thing is not to store those feelings inside, they diminish in the sunlight of the spirit. Keep on keepin' on.

SCoUt said...

I would agree with Scott W. All of that stuff stuffed dimishes the sunlight of the spirit. Your blog is STILL about recovery when you talk about your life, my friend. I think it's a good thing to share that stuff here.
Someone mentioned Steps 1-3.....yup!
Peace, Scott,
Scout
P.S. Are you still attending Al Anon?