Gotta get to that gym today... Gotta do it... I haven't been able to get over there all week. The kool thing is, that I just realized that there's a YMCA in the town where my office is. So, I can hit there during the day. That'll help make it easier to get to the gym.
Man, I came home from work early yesterday to hang out with the fam only to find my wife a mess, Ian had been a real turd earlier in the afternoon and my wife lost it. She's been struggling lately and I guess things just came to a head. She had written me an email explaining what was up thinking I was still at work. Well, I came home before I saw it and she could barely complete a sentence, she was so upset with Ian and stuff in general. Well, of course, Ian got sent to his room immediately so I could go read this e-mail and calm down a bit so I didn't completely tear his butt off (have never spanked, don't care to start now if I can at all avoid it.) Ian and I had a talk about what had happened (he threw a major meltdown when she picked him up at one of his friend's houses for an afternoon of playtime... he hit and kicked, screamed, carried on, typical 5 yr old stuff, told her he hated her, hated living at our house.. all typical 5 yr old and completely unacceptable...) So, he and I had to have a chat about how we don't do that, and why he's in trouble. The whole thing really threw me for a loop, cuz I have been back fighting this damn sinus infection all week, things aren't going for shit right now at work, I can tell something's been up again with her all week. I didn't even know how to respond to her e-mail, telling me how miserable she is, how that deal with Ian hurt her, so forth... So, I didnt really say much. After a pretty quiet supper, she accused me of being mad at her (cuz she thinks I get mad at everything, lol I hate that...) about the e-mail and how she handles everything wrong and it just spiraled into a morass of self pity, woe is me, everything sucks, why can't we ever make any money, and so on... Funny thing is that I was feeling a bit this way earlier in the week as some of my deals began to unravel. I listened for awhile, and tried to chime in some positive thoughts, asked what I might do to help (in typical male fashion) and she took that to mean that I felt she shouldn't be saying this stuff or feeling the way she felt, which wasn't what I meant at all... So, we broke off talks and that was that. Back to the icy depths of co-habitation with a depressed untreated alcoholic.
I try to leave her program alone and she affords me the same. But last nite after hearing this stuff for the umpteenth time since we got pregnant with Ian (that's when her depression started giving her fits off and on..) I shared with her that even if I had some ideas, she never listens to me anyhow... and she asked what I meant, so I shared with her about getting to more meetings, working the steps, getting a sponsor, a sponsee or two, going on retreat, making a gratitude list, reading some positive literature, taking time off from me and Ian to do something fun, making a friend, going to see her doc and getting on some sort of anti depressant, etc. And in typical fashion she batted all those ideas down one by one and basically got upset with me for not just letting her be where she's at. And while I respect a person's right to rant and rave when they are upset, Lord knows I do it from time to time... It's more than just this particular rant. She stuffs and holds stuff in and walks around edgy and glum, everything is in the paradigm of the glass being half empty... So,I saw this as her reaching out a bit, and an opportunity to try to help.. I mean I am her husband after all... We can't talk about anything any more... So, I suppose I took the wrong approach, again, lol. I just dunno what to do. I really hate coming home to such a glum household, it's not good for Ian, it certainly isn't good for her. And, I am the type who has a hard time keeping myself afloat, emotionally. We've got no intimacy (and I am not speaking of physical intimacy) or time alone in this relationship. So, I guess I just keep working on me, praying for her... I don't even have time to get to al-anon and that would just piss her off more anyhow... I have to take care with how much time I am out of the house cuz Ian drives her insane at times... In fact, I think I am going to have to stop going on retreat, leaving her home all weekend with him.
Anyhow... I dunno if this is the appropriate place for all this. I may end up deleting this post, I just really needed to get it out, and see stuff in writing. I have to focus on my part in this, I know that. And, I definitely have a part in this to be sure. But, I do know that I am powerless to affect a change in her other than to try to be as good an example of peaceful, sober existence as I can.
Prayer for today...
HP/God/JC, please help to stay sober today. Help me to be a better listener for my wife today, and not do anything to stir her up. I pray for Your Will and Your Grace for her. I pray that I might be fit to help her find relief in some way. And, I pray that I might accept her just as she is, that I might find some relief as well. Also, I could use Your help today in being a good dad for Ian as we try to give mom some space.
peace to y'all...