Ya know, when it comes to this husband stuff, today, this week, after Sunday nite's debacle... I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt. I have simply kept my mouth shut, been quite cordial, respectful, kind, etc the past couple days, but have not said anything about what happened. I don't even know how to process it, quite honestly. Meanwhile, yesterday morning she let me know that she's in rough mental shape, has suffered two days of a nasty migrane type headache and Monday she also had some bad stomach cramps. Due to her frail condition this week, I have felt it best to not try to have any more dialogue on this mess fo a marriage. She has asked me a couple times in the past two days what I want to do, if I have done anything about us and told me that I act like I don't care anymore. lol, part of me doesn't but if I bring it up, she gets upset and won't discuss it and if I persist, she freaks out. If I don't talk to her about it, she thinks I don't care. So, somehow with all of this, I am now back to the level of "sweetie" last nite and this morning, and her world is seemingly back to normal while I sit here ehad spinning, trying to make sense of all this.
I think I am going to have to come up with a nicely written, lovingly expressed e-mail as to where I am at with things, and what I think I would like to have happen. Our boundaries are such a mess that I don't even know what's "right" to say or to ask of her. So, all I can do is be honest and loving. However, this time, I am just not capable of apologising, acknowledging my part... I am always the one to do that, and I refuse to do so again. Sophomoric, perhaps but, I refuse to take credit for 100% of this shit we're in. After all she said to me Sunday night, all she could manage to mumble in the midst of her post apocalyptic meltdown self-mutilation speech was that she doesn't hate me. Frankly, it was easier when she did. She refuses to rationally acknowledge her part in things, and express the slightest bit of regret for what occurred, all the while allowing me to do just that for my part. I suppose I have simply come to expect too much from her. Even if my expectations are low and reasonable for the average person, they are far too great for her at this point. I need to accept that fact and figure out what to do with my side of the street. As for that, I realize I have spent a great deal of time focussing here on her inventory. Well, as I mentioned, my part in this deal is quite clear to me, and I work on me on a daily basis trying to improve. I think of it this way... There is so much crap blowing on to my side of the street from accrosss the street, I have to sweep up shit for both sides of the street. And, in the interest of self preservation and self sanity check, I have to look at both sides. Does that even remotely make sense?
Anyhow, I am just tired of the disarray, I really am. And I just don't see how this gets better without an active participation in growth and change on both our parts. And, I have no faith in that happening for her. Why should I? There's (with the exception of the two month blissful experiment into positive thinking brought about via The Secret, that I somehow singlehandedly demolished- ok sarcasm, ouch) been no effort or even recognition expressed that she wants to or is capable of change.
I know that reading this stuff is a drag, sorry. I am going to return the focus 100% on me, just had to take a few mins to get some stuff out and in front of me via this blog. Thank you for those of you who have chosen to stick with it and comment, and pray for us. You are greatly appreciated, big time!!
Through all of this, I am working on maintaining a positive attitude, trying to compartmentalize the marriage stuff so it doesn't leak over into work and my time with Ian, easier said than done. I had a nice conversation last evening with the bank mgr I would be working with should I get this new job. I am still awaiting the written offer that is forthcoming. I don't spend any time really worrying about it, I just thank God for the opportunity. I have faith that better things are ahead. I am trying very hard to just be happy, grateful and at peace with my present circumstances, while working hard to improve myself. And well, with the exception of one area in my life, it seems to be working.
Oh, and I finally got the aquarium cycled, got rid of the Ich and picked up a few new finned friends, that's on track and going well, YAY! This has turned into a wonderful hobby!
Today is my mom's birthday, got a nice card in the mail, will be calling her shortly! Happy Birthday Mom!
Coming up in August, I have to take two classes that run weekly, all month in preparation to teach 8th grade CCD this fall. Thats going to be great, plus our summer big band concert season is in full swing, we have several performances coming up. August could be the saviour or the undoing of my marriage, lol what with being so busy and all. If I end up going over to the bank, I will be slammed with closing down my operation, and getting in there and going through their exstensive training program, also in August, lol. I am so thankful that I have a great homegroup, the jail mtg, my men's prayer group, this blog, you peeps and all my other recovery tools in place to handle this times when I am so busy.
Prayer for today...
God/JC/HP, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace;
taking as He did, this sinful world, as it is, not as I would have it:
Trusting that He will make all things right,
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this lifetime,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.
-here is an interesting website that goes into the history of the Serenity Prayer, from where I took this wording... I have this written in an older Big Book of mine but didn't have it handy today and had sadly forgotten this exact wording. When I looked for it online, I found this webpage.