Well, the happy, peace-filled times in my home have come and gone, we're back to the "woe is me" blues again. I don't like to make light of my wife's difficulties, but sometimes I find it's the only way I can cope with the ridiculous "relationship" we have. I don't know what the hell happened this time, something I say and do/said and did that makes me unbearable to live with and now she's in the shits again, somehow mostly my fault, to hear her tell it. I realize that I am not perfect, I have my moments where I allow things to piss me off to the point where I become grouchy and full of sarcasm from time to time. But frankly, I don't believe that she really wants me, I think she wants some ridiculous cross between Mr. Rogers and Barney the frickin' dinosaur. I have put up with her on and off again "sybil" depression ever since we conceived Ian (that would be for over 6 yrs, for those of you counting). I have ramped up my program to work on my character defects because they need work. I have gotten a new sponsor, expanded my network of meetings, my level of service, joined a church and a prayer group, got a new hobby, journalled my arse off online all in the name of becoming a better person because it's what we do as alcoholics/humans (thankfully, I did all of this stuff for me, and no one else). And well frankly, I am tired of having to be the one who needs to stop doing things to upset my spouse, all the while putting up with whatever mood she finds herself in. I have tried to be patient and have failed utterly. I am still trying to make sense of a vicious personal verbal attack last evening that far exceeded anything resembling sanity, during which I was notified that I am hated, worthless, no longer welcome, don't have shit to offer, and no longer wanted as a spouse. I was threatened with attorneys, divorce and so forth. Oddly enough, I think I am quite alright with all of that. The best part is the complete capitulation an hour later where she can't figure out what just happened or how things got to this point. And of course there would be no acknowledgement of her part in the mess (which very rarely happens, thats my job in the relationship), only a bunch of "why do I now feel like the bad guy" and all this other woe is me bullshit, like something from an episode of J*rry Spr*ng*r meets Dr. Ph*l. The woman needs a frickin program, a sponsor, some step work, more meetings, some anti-depressants, counselling and so forth but she has every damn excuse in the book as to why she can't do any of those things, and I just don't know how much longer I can do this. I am hoping to find a pleasant, loving way to suggest some sort of "time out" for a week or two, that we each might take the time to sort out what we want, etc. That's what my sponsor suggested.
I don't guess this is the best place to say all this, but even after talking at length with my mom and step-dad, my sponsor, my best friend and another close friend, I still am quite unhappy, confused, pissed off and needing to vent, so please excuse my rant. My blog has always just been a space for me to be me and to be real and so there ya have it... Sometimes it just aint pretty. I don't mean to come off like I am perfect and the whole problem is hers. I am so crystal clear on my part in this and I work on it because it's the right thing to do. The problem is, I am just out of answers for her and I am to the point where I have no more positive attitude to share with her. I would just as soon tell her to go be miserable somewhere else, I can't take any more of it. How husbandly is that of me? Not very Christian I suppose... but, I guess it's better that I blog this stuff than go off on her and say a bunch of ridiculous stuff to be mean and hateful. I know this is a day at a time thing, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part... But, there's only sickness, and my spirit is dying where she is concerned. What do you do with that?
Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, I still haven't received the written job offer. He had told me when we met Wed. that it could take a week so, I am not too worried about it. But, I kinda wouldn't mind seeing something on paper, lol. Another district mgr. called me Friday afternoon and set up a meeting for this Thursday but he told me that was just part of the "final stages" of the whole coming together thing. Man, there are managers coming out of the woodwork, lol. I had forgotten what the whole large corporation thing was like. So, I am going to spend my time taking the best care I can of the customers I have, and ready myself for the job change that's forthcoming. I am confident that this will come together based on the interviews and what the area mgr told me on Wednesday about a forthcoming offer.
I so hope I haven't offended anyone by my writings this evening. But, I needed to share tonite. Thank anyone who came by and read...
Prayer for today...
HP/JC/God, please, help me to stay sober, and live to good purpose. Thank You for Your help in keeping me from being personally mean and vicious with my wife last evening. I am sorry that I couldn't leave well enough alone with her and just had to try to discuss what it is that she so despises in me. I suppose I had better learn to just let her despise it and quit trying to have communication about it. I regret having helped her with her inventory, and becoming defensive as she took mine, especially since I just celebrated the Sacrament of Reconciliation (confession for you non-Catholics out there...) Saturday with a priest, and shared my difficulties with impatience, anger, judgment and intolerance where my wife is concerned. Thank You for Your divine Absolution and for coming into my heart through the Eucharist. Please guide my thinking where she is concerned. Most of all, please give me the strength to do the very best I can to be a great daddy to my son Ian. The idea of quite possibly having to have "the talk" with him about his mom and me splitting up absolutely breaks my heart. Please help me understand what I can do with all of this. I pray that I can figure out how not to hurt my wife any further, or at least treat her in a kindly, compassionate manner. I pray for Your guidance, please help me make sense of this. Thank You for sending us Your only Son, that we might be forgiven and redeemed.
may the peace of Christ be with you all, especially my wife and son.