made a decision

It seems that little by little, I've done what I tend to do at times in my life. I've taken back my decision to turn my life over to the care of God as I understand Him. Thankfully, tonight is home group and we read/discuss a Step on the 2nd Wed of the month. Tonite it's Step 3. Also thankfully, I can make this decision any time I choose. I choose now.

I think we're all prone to doing this... We/I pull back from God, take matter back into my own hands, eliminating the "consultation phase" of my life. I begin to trade my faith for worry. I begin to neglect the relationship that has gotten me to the place where I actually have important things/people happening in my life. (I find this especially ironic) I haven't forgotten where I've come from but if I continue running the show myself,I am bound to get to that place. And, for an alcoholic that's a scarrrrry place. If we forget where we've come from, we're bound to return there.

Now, I don't say all this to beat myself up, or proclaim utter defeat in life and throw my hands up, only to become a blithering idiot incapable of managing his own life. I can just tell that I've lost that reliance upon GOd. I've left our relationship and our communications rather unattended for awhile and that has begun to create little messes and some unpleasant fallout for me. I simply have not been taking/making the time for the Lord like I know I should (damn, this beautiful gift of Free Will lol).

I am grateful that AA has taught me to simply return to God whenever possible, with a sense of urgency but not a sense of abandonment. For He never leaves me, it is I who walk away, straying from the right path. I've been strying for awhile now, even knowing I am doing it, almost watching myself, daring myself to see how far I can get before it hurts too much or gets a little to scary out here.

God, thank You for always being here for me. While I don't always deserve Your unconditional love and compassion, I am at times quite grateful for it. This is one of those times. I pray that I might do better at seeking Your divine guidance and inspiration. I pray that I might humble myself before You, finding better ways to use the blessed Grace and Gift of Free Will You've freely given me. Please help me.