Wednesday, July 23, 2008

and be satisfied

Man, things at work just keep getting more and more difficult. Rates have been going up (we're typically a bit higher than other banks and credit unions in my market but we offer superior banking products and mortgage products), credit guidelines continue to tighten, property values continue to feel downward pressure and the borrowers who come to me continue to be more demanding, often times with tough situations with cash, job income and credit. We lost one of our region's biggest manager/producers a couple months ago. Since then we've lost a handful of loan officers, including one of our most consistent bigger hitters today. So, things are really becoming a mess, making it kinda scary, and much more difficult to eek out a living. I sure hope to hear back soon from that local university that's looking for adjunct professors, and I hope it's good news. I may need to jump on that opportunity if it presents itself. I could use some prayers...

We had three (of the 7 in attendance) guys with less than a yr sober at my home group tonite. I love the recent influx of new men that have been attending. Tonite we talked about how one knows if one is an alcoholic. Of the two newest guys, one keeps drinking, the other is fresh off DUI #3 and on the fence as to whether or not he's really an alcoholic.

I shared that after a few weeks of coming to meetings, I finally mustered up the courage to ask (even though I identified myself as Scott, alcoholic from day 1, had to fit in lol) how ya know you're really an alcoholic. Old Roger (deceased now) told me to go out and try some controlled drinking. Make a plan to hit the bar maybe once or twice a month and have only 1 or 2 beers. Well of course, so far, no problem. I figured if that's all I gotta do to prove I aint an alcoholic, I can do that. Hell, even I can win a bet like that. But he said something that still baffles me to this day. He told me to go have those 1 or 1 drinks, "and be satisfied."

To this day, I still can't understand how someone could be TRULY satisifed down to the core, with one or two drinks. So, as soon as he said it, I had enough of a shred of honesty in me to know that I am an alcoholic for, I have never ever been SATISFIED with 1 or 2 drinks. I drank to get drunk, I used drugs to get wasted and that was that. So, right then and there, I lived my 1st Step. And, funny thing as soon as he said "and be satisfied" he stopped sharing. He must've seen the look in my eyes as I reacted instantly to what he was saying. My acceptance had made the long trip from my mind to my heart in that moment and that was that.

I have been sober in AA ever since, and have never doubted that I belong.


♥Shann♥ said...

whoa... yea true dat, I am glad you heard that that day and were able to be honest with yourself!
Ps sent a prayer for you!

dAAve said...

Good point.
You'll have to just be satisfied with this comment.