never forget

Sometimes when I get immersed in self, buried in the minutia of the day, I forget. When I get busy being sober, I forget I am an alcoholic. When I am over-focussed on where I am today, I forget where I've come from some 12+ yrs ago. When I am consumed with how crappy it seems to be going, I forget just how bad it was. When all I can think about is what I want, or what I think I deserve, I forget about all that I gave up for that drink or drug of choice.

I forget about the pain I caused myself, my friends and family. I forget about the opportunities I blew off way back when, just to go party or even just to do nothing. I forget about the trusts I betrayed in order to please myself. I forget that I couldn't stop, even if I had wanted to. I forget about the money spent, the lies, the hurtful deeds done. I forget about the misery, the horror of not knowing how I will make my rent because I just smoked the last of my money through a coke can. I forget that my diet consisted of cigarettes, beer, pot, acid, exstacy, cocaine, ramen noodles and taco bell. I forget that many of my friends consisted of other miserable addicts, alcoholics, thieves and abusers. I forget that I knew of no healing, loving life-giving Higher Power called God. I forget that I thought it would be kool to smoke a joint rolled in a page of the Bible. I forget that I simply could not be relied upon and that I wasn't welcome in my step-sister's home as her husband is a policeman and they had young kids at the time. I forget that even with my bachelor's degree and most of a master's degree, I could barely keep a job as maintenance man at a McDonald's restaurant.

So, when I think I have it so bad with my sometimes challenging marriage, my fiesty 7 yr old, my two mortgage pmts, my two paid for vehicles, my overeating/underexercising driven weight problem, my frustrating job that requires me to plan for the financial futures of my clients, my "never-ending-self-inflicted community volunteering schedule" I pray that I never forget just how it really was. Nothing that can happen bad in my life could ever equal how awful it was, except perhaps a return to how it was brought on becuase I forgot.

God, never let me forget how it was. You've brought me so far from there.