I think that one of the most difficult things I have ever done in life has been to try to have a good marriage. Evidently I suck at it lol. Maybe now that my job nightmare is over and I am into a much less stressful, more peaceful place professionally speaking, I can turn my focus more on me and how to be a better husband. I mean shoot I can already see a difference in my attitudes and demeanor around the house, and I certainly have notice an uptick in my energy level so that's good. Our issue is and has always been communication. We don't communicate well at all, and we've got very different personalities that affect how we talk to one another. I know I've done some bitching about my marriage and my wife on this blog in the past and I don't want to be all like that but damn this is frustrating, to say the least. Frankly I am just feeling fairly beat down and tired of the whole cycle lol. Someone cops an attitude about how the other person is talking/acting and then it deteriorates from there. And of course we both have the classic "I keep trying to change and you don't" thing going on, and I am really convinced that I am the only person who ever ends up changing and compromising. I am certain she sees that differently lol.
We've talked ad nauseum about counselling. I even went to see my priest a couple times, called and got the anme and number of a good counsellor, told her about that and basically got no repsonse so I let it go. Until of course, she brings up counselling again and cannot seem to recall that I started down that road with no reply from her lol. The "I don't remember that" card seems to be quite readily available in her hand lol. Convenient. So now when I go over that with her in discussions, I am "laying all the responsibility on her" to get counselling lol. I mean I can make the calls again quite simply, while I am busy with working/learning a new job/coaching soccer/leading a Cub Scout Den/playing in a band, etc and so on. Cuz ya know, this "not having to go to work every day" dream that she's living probably doesn't leave much time for such calls. But hey I've got no resentments there lol. So that's been a bust, again.
I don't know. Like I said I am just really tired of it all, tired of feeling like both parents and spouses in this relationship/household. And so now I resent her, don't respect her and find it difficult when I am stressed or tired, to be the sweet, loving, kind, compassionate person I know I can be. And other than the complete financial meltdown/bankruptcy/loss of house a divorce would cause it's almost beginning to look less crappy than what we've got going now. And, that's a really poopy place to be for me.
I wasn't gonna blow all this crap out here on my blog but I needed to write this morning. I need to get my thoughts in front of me. I need to find the positive in all this. So, please excuse all this negative poisonous stuff this morning. I hate putting it out here, because I like my blog to be a positive place for sober peeps to come. But ya know what, it's a REAL place for sober peeps to come. For you sober peeps out there reading this, the really nifty thing out of all this is that niether of us have a desire to get drunk over this stuff. And that's what matters most.
Thanks for listening and God Bless... I am off to Mass!