Sunday, November 22, 2009

sorry, had to vent.

I gotta share... yesterday was yet another of those days with my wife that clearly illustrates our inability to communicate with one another. She was in one of those moods where everything upsets her and no matter what I said or didn't say she was simply not going to able to be dealt with. We had two conversations that she had begun and then terminated before I could really even completely answered her questions. It seems that once I say something that isn't going along with what she had predetermined in her mind, she cannot proceed and had to shut it down.

Normally at this point I push her to see what's the matter and we end up having the same old argument. Yesterday I let it go and went on about my day. But it happened again, she brought something up and then shut it down in mid conversation. It's like she has both sides of the argument, gets upset and shuts down. We cannot hardly have any kind of conversation about anything important or meaningful, unless I just agree with whatever she's talking about in order to provied maximum peace for her. This happens more and more frequently, has been happening since before we married, but has gotten worse as time progresses.

I'm worried about her. She cannot handle any sort of stress or challenge without blaming herself for anything that might not have gone right and completely shutting down and giving up. She repsonds negatively to nearly everything I say, not so much to argue, but if I say "the sun's out," she'll say "yea, but it's too hot." If I pay her a compliment, she disagrees. Frankly, when I come home, I walk into a situation that is unlike any I have ever been in. I never know what crisis might be taking place, what sort of attitude she will be sporting based on how Ian (2nd grade son) is behaving, or what person called and upset her.

I thik she's depressed and should get some help. But she's convinced none of that medical stuff works, and has it firmly in her head that she doesn't need meds. She has no sponsor, although she gets to more meetings than I do. She's never sat down and worked through all the Steps. She won't pray with me, or even read anything spiritual together and share on it. I know I cannot fix her (although I seem to keep having some sort of sick expectation that if I do or don't do this or that, she will respond. I guess that's fixing...) We've talked about counselling. I couple years ago I made some calls, got a name to set an appt with, brought that to her and basically got no response, even though she occasionally brings that up in an argument, how we need counselling. So I suggested she call someone and get us set up, she got indignant lol.

The most peaceful solution at this point appears for me to just handle 90% of what happens in our household without involving her so she doesn't worry herself to death or melt down. And maybe this is that answer... you know "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse..." all of that marriage stuff. To me, that's not a marriage, but it might be as good as it's going to get. I am just tired of this same old shit, tired of feeling like I am the only person in this marriage who can handle anything, tired of feeling like a single dad with an older troubled teen and a 2nd grade son.

I have posted about this a few times in the past, and hate to do it here in my blog but I am about to burst after yesterday. No matter what I say or do, it's like she is simply on a mission to be miserable. I know I can't "fix" or change that but I really hate that my son is exposed to that, and frankly it's making me miserable. The only other thing I can think to do is to start seeing a counsellor myself and see if she decides to join me.

Oh, and my side of the street... (after all, if you're going to take someone's inventory, you ought to at least see your part, right?) These are the defects of character I see myself bringing to the table: I can be moody and when I am pissed, there's no hiding it. I get very impatient with her at times and I tell her how I feel after putting up with so much. I raise my voice sometimes and use foul language when I am upset, then it passes. I fart, I eat too much, and I suck at being a handyman around the house. However, all of that stuff has improved greatly over our years together or she'd have probably melted down completely, or left me a long time ago. I'm glad one of us can grow.

I think we're in big trouble.


Madison said...

Well, when you are pissed there's no hiding it is definitely spot on. :) Now if only your wife had a dueling blog, we'd have a good book being written. I truly hope things work out.

enchantedoak said...

We're not in the business of marriage counseling in AA, but I have to put in two cents worth of comment here, as a longtime married woman in recovery living with a 22-year sober husband:
She may need a sponsor and to work the steps, because practicing our program in marriage has keep us together through the hard times. However, you can't do that for her. You can keep your voice calm and stop raising it when you get frustrated--my husband raises his sometimes and it just shuts me down. Remember that nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen (10th step, 12x12). Find a counselor familiar with 12 step programs and go by yourself. I do. My hubby has done so too. Then we did so together for a while. It helped. And pray like a mad dog for the right thought or action when doubtful or agitated (BB page 87). My husband's favorite words to me after an argument are "Honey, I was wrong." It diffuses everything. Laughter helps.

Lou said...

I've been married 31 years. To say there have been rough spots is an understatement.

Step back, Scott, give it some time. Try to open a dialogue after a few days.

PS when my husband starts yelling and using profanity, it scares me. Even after all these years.

Syd said...

I find that if I don't buy into someone else's foul moods or anger, then I am so much better off. I can choose to walk outside, go for a ride or do any number of things other than argue. I don't like to do that. I agree with Chris--restraint of tongue and pen. Some days I just have to keep the focus on me and be happy by myself.

dAAve said...

Ask her what her solution might be.
That's all I can think of. I know nothing about relationships. Yet.