Monday, November 23, 2009

my past has caught up with me...

Space is what's needed right now with my wife and I. Yesterday was better than Saturday. Today ought to be even better since I'll be at work all day. I am just really at a loss as to how to behave around her. I think if we're going to get better, I will have to go get some outside counselling and see what happens.

When I got sober, I was in a relationship with a girl that I cared about very much, but we had a sick relationship. We didn't treat each other particularly well at times, I was the bossy demanding alcoholic and she was the typical al-anon who probably never would have left me. We had dated off and on since high school and while I was "living" in Houston going to graduate school, she had gotten pregnant by a fellow who pretty well wanted nothing to do with her. So, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to move home and live with her, be her man, help raise her kid and hopefully by some miracle, my life would improve. I "polished up my armor and prepared my white horse" to swoop in a save this girl who needed saving. This was that geographical cure that was sure to work. It turns out that there are drugs and alcohol back in Toledo, OH and all my issues came home with me. The nite I got home, she went into labor and by the next afternoon, we had a daughter. I was still stoned from my good-bye party in TX.

I spent the next two years being a pain in her ass, drinking and smoking pot, burning through jobs only to find myself settled in nicely at McDonald's as their maintenance man. When I got sober in 1996, it didn't take me long to realize I couldn't stay sober and be in our relationship. So, I talked, prayed, asked advice, prayed some more and decided it would be best if we went our seperate ways. My mom even told me the best thing I could do for those two was get out of their lives and let them find their way. So, I did. And, they have. Leaving that little girl "K" was the toughest thingI have ever done.

About 10 years ago, my ex fiance invited me to her wedding. I went, it was wonderful, we chatted, we danced. I met her husbnad, super great fellow. It was just all very surreal, especially seeing K again. Well, I ran across my ex on facebook last week. We exchanged a brief pleasantry or two no big deal. Then I noticed one of her friends was K, my "former daughter," who had worked her way so strongly into my heart in those first two years of her life that I still have her 2 yr old Christmas picture displayed in my room. I can tell you this... whether she was my biological daughter or not, seeing her born and changing those diapers, reading books to her, rocking her, feeding her, giving her Mr. Moo Moo, all the daddy stuff... She's a part of me ever since I looked into those blue eyes of hers.

Well, last nite, K left a message on my wall under her mom's name, asking me to add her as a friend so we can catch up. In talking with my close friend, K's aunt she told me that my ex always made sure who K's "first daddy" was. She also told me that my ex was sitting right there when K left me that message on facebook and that it would be alright if I made contact with K. I had promised her mom I'd break cleanly and stay away so as not to risk hurting K as she grew up. (She was 2 and a half when we split, I was 6 mos sober.)

I will pray on this some more, and think about how best to proceed. They are over 2 hrs away so it's not like I will be seeing her anytime soon, or often. But, I have to say that I am touched by all of this. I would love to get to know her a little bit and see what kind of girl she's grown into, she's 15 now. I am just kinda scared I guess. I did reply to her message, letting her know I thought it wold be kool to catch up and chat sometime. So far, I've left it at that. I was sort of hoping for a bit of guidance directly from her mom so we'll see how it goes.

I can tell you that this has shaken me to the core, pretty well in a way I am ok with. It's just been a long time, I'm a totally different person than I was back then and there's just a lot of emotion and strong feelings associated with all of this. I'm just so grateful that I am sober and can make good decisions about this. There's an innocent young person involved here that I do not want to hurt or mess up.


Mary Christine said...

I hope this doesn't sound insulting, but do you have a sponsor or a close friend to talk this all over with? This is all pretty powerful stuff - and you shouldn't have to do it alone.

Scott said...

MC, not insulting at all... I plan to talk this through with a couple of close AA's including a man I work through the Steps and life's challenges with.

Thanks :-)

enchantedoak said...

Wow, I second Mary Christine. Not a choice to make without prayer, meditation, and counsel from AA men (and possibly women).

Syd said...

I would have to inventory this with God and my sponsor. I know how easily I can be sucked into things. I flinched when you wrote that she was an Al-Anon who would never leave. That fits me pretty well unfortunately.

Lou said...

What they said. This is a big decision.