Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Thanks so much for the supportive and helpful comments on my last couple of posts. It's been an intense couple of days, emotionally speaking. I've been praying alot, considering things, outcomes, checking my motives, all that good jazz.

I checked in with my sponsor yesterday via telephone regarding my marriage and this opportunity to reach out to "my lil girl" who's now 15 and wanting to chat via Facebook. This thing with me and my wife... It's frustrating, maddening to the point of just wanting to throw the towel in and leave. But, when I have time to be calm and thoughtful, and remind myself of the Sacrament of Marriage, and the vows we took: "'til death do you part, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health" and so forth. It's difficult to come to any conclusion that involves separation or divorce at this point. There's going to be struggles, challenges and all that. I have to learn to "detach with love" and not allow her space to invade mine, when it comes to mood swings and all that type of stuff. She is who she is, and I have to get better at not being affected by her negativity.

Now there are limits to all of that, and I still haven't reached mine yet. So, I plan to pray more, renew my focus (now that the career is nicely in a comfy place and no longer a distracting source of insanity and stress) on my part in our marriage and just try to be the best husband I can. We'll see where that takes us. I have this before and have grown to become a better husband and dad as a result, but I still have growing to do. At least I am better than I was. As for her growth or need for growth... I have my opinions but that's 110% up to her and I don't need to make myself miserable over her moods, outlook, etc. Easier said than done lol and we'll see what happens.

My sponsor and I talked at length about K (see yesterday's post). I ran all my motives by him for wanting to re-connect with her. I prayed on it some, thought alot about it. I messaged her mom seeking her blessing before I add K as a friend and begin "catching up" as she put it. So, once I hear back from her mom (my ex) we'll see what happens. I am fairly excited about getting to know her, but I am also afraid of getting hurt and re-opening all those nicely handled, 4th stepped feelings and history. It was hard to work through letting her go at 6 mo sober and it took a long time for me to get right and heal somewhat. Hell, the first weekend after she and her mom moved out was Father's Day. That was a major bummer. I did mention to my wife that I had re-connected with these folks. Her only real question was "do you feel like she is your daughter?" I thought that was a great question, and my inital gut reaction was "no, not at all." And I think that's the right answer. She has a real dad, and a step-dad. She doesn't need another dad, lol. But if I can be a good friend, confidante, "kool uncle type guy" and have some sort of good healthy relationship with her, that would be perfect.

My first sponsor (who was there for all of this way back when as it unfolded) just happened to call "out of the blue" yesterday when I was out. (Thanks God... I know You're at work, like always). I will call him today and run all this past him.


God, thank you for healing my son Ian from his little bug over the weekend, in time for his H1N1 shot this afternoon...

God, thank you for putting people in my life that come on here and help give me perspective from their "innocent bystander/helper outter" viewpoint.

God thank you for all the experiences in my past that have led me to the place I find myself today. I had to go through what I went through to become who I am. Today I am pretty ok with who I am.

God, thank you for Facebook, and for reconnecting me in a healthy manner to old friends, old flames who still hold a special place in my heart. I pray that I make the most of this opportunity to reconnect in a positive, loving way.

God, please help me this morning as our Rotary Club hosts Miss Ohio for a visit/talk. I have to report on her talk, take a photo or two and all that jazz. It will be a crazy zoo this morning. Please help give me the focus I will need to do a good job.


Lou said...

Telling your wife about the other daughter was the right thing to do. Of course, your son is sure to find out also.

I searched, and eventually found, my real father. I was not looking for a relationship (but I was 45 years old) so much, as closure. I wanted to see if I looked like him, had his mannerisms. Often this is what kids are looking for when they contact you. Not a parental relationship, they just want to KNOW what you are like.

enchantedoak said...

I'm glad you're doing all the things we can do in sobriety to live balanced, calm lives in spite of what goes on around us. Keep our side of the street clean, stay in prayer when agitated or doubtful, asking for the right thought or action, and discussing our ideas with a sponsor. Good-o for you.
I agree with Lou about what kids are looking for when they want to reconnect with "parental figures" from their deep past. I'm blessed to have formed a relationship of great value with my firstborn daughter, whom I relinquished at birth. She contacted me to discover her physical roots, and from that has sprung a deep and loving relationship. Believe me, I talked about it all the way with my sponsor and husband. And prayed like a mad dog before every conversation with her. Prayer changes us.

♥Shann♥ said...

sending prayers and good thoughts your way Scott!! You faith is an amazing beautiful inspirational thing! Thank you for sharing good and bad with us!

Madison said...

My unsolicited thoughts. This girl is only 15 years old. Give her another 10 before you become an advice-giving uncle. But, that's just me. You're opening that door so cautiously that you already sense that. Right?