Wednesday, February 01, 2012

beat down...

I got the call Monday morning that I was not selected for the job I interviewed for after Christmas.  They did hire the right guy, and had I known he was in the running, I may not have even submitted my resume.  I'm flattered to have been the runner-up to this guy out of 24 candidates but that aint worth much.  I'm pretty bummed, to say the least.  I was REALLY wanting that job for several reasons.  Now, I can't really complain. I do have a job I enjoy, even though I am severely underpaid due to our budget and the nature of running a non-profit organization.  (My board has clearly acknowledged this on several occasions, so I know its not my ego lol)  At least I'm employed, and I do have the side real estate gig, which should hopefully be good this year (though not without its own delightful stresses lol).

This job would have been a HUGE lift for my career, and meant a significant improvement for our finances.  That's the bummer... My ego and checkbook are blown out at this point.  I'm just burnt out from scratching and clawing, barely keeping our heads above the water line.  I'm growing tired of "doing the right thing" and always "being the good guy."  That's all well and good, and I know it's the way we need to be.  I get a lot of spiritual reward from my volunteer work in the community and my work with youth.  But at the end of the day, we're running out of money and "atta boys" and pats on the back don't do much for the bank account.  I'm dying for some sort of professional break or recognition, and evidently I just haven't been successful enough for that to happen.

So, here I sit in my office, wishing I didn't feel so damn bad right now.  I thought I'd just accept, move on and kick ass with what's in front of me.  But right this very moment, I aint feelin' so hot.  My job is very public, the other job would've been very public and the two are intertwined among the same network of people, many of whom know I was in the running or the job.  I don't know how to face the people I need to face to do my job well right now.  I wish I could avoid taking things so damn seriously, but this is my career and family we're trifling with here.  I guess it's just going to take time and prayer.  This is the second major career opportunity to pass me by in 4 months, and both interview/preparation processes have been exhausting.

I did hit the noon meeting Monday, right after I got the call.  I picked up my 16 yr token, could barely talk about the whole deal and make sense.  I just wish I didn't feel so awful.  I really don't have time for misery, as I need to kick things in the ass and make something happen.  And I know God opens a door when He closes one (that was supposed to be this job however, lol). Things happpen for a reason, blah blah platitude, cliche...  This too shall pass... I know that.

At least I don't have to drink or drug.  There's the good news.  I've come a long way since getting sober 16 yrs ago, but I aint done, I want more and I deserve more.  I just want to take care of my family, and provide for them and right now, that's not happening.  We've been backsliding slowly since 2003 when I got downsized out of a great job.  Unfortunately, we're about to hit the wall, and something's gotta give.

Thanks for listening, hopefully the next post is more positive.

10 comments:

Furtheron said...

It isn't wrong to feel that way - it is natural. You came 2nd out of 24 to a guy you admit was the best for the job. Take heart from all of that when the fog clears - which it will do I'm sure.

Stay sober - stay focused on "doing the right thing" as there must be an answer out there somewhere

dAAve said...

I totally understand the money thing.
Believe me, I do. So, for tomorrow, let me see a gratitude list here.
OK?

ScottF said...

Furtheron- thanks man, will do!

Kristin, I accidentally deleted your comment on my iPhone (tiny links, big fingers lol), I'm really sorry! Very thoughtful and helpful, thank you :-)

ScottF said...

dAAve- yes sir, and thank you

SoberMomRocks said...

Feel whatever it is you want to feel right now. I've had that happen to me 3 times in the last year. I get all the way down to the last two or three candidates and then...nope, sorry, we've decided to go with someone else. It sucks and that's about all I can say.

The last time I didn't even get a phone call! Just an email two weeks before Christmas saying thanks...but no thanks. So here's what I did.

I went upstairs to my closet (which is the only place I have in my very male dominated home - 4 teenage boys and 1 husband), sat down and cried. I sat there and had myself one great big pity party. I cried. I yelled at God. I felt sorry for myself. My boys tried to check on me and I told them to go away.

After about 45 minutes I was feel a little better and I finally emerged...snotty nose, puffy eyes and hurt feelings. But I didn't even think about drinking (I've only been sober 2 years) and I actually did feel more in control of myself.

It still took a little while for me to get over it but it helped.

I hope this helps you a little. It's a tough market out there and your HP has something great in store for you.

Marcia said...

I hate it when I don't get what I want, when I want it! And I hate waiting for what it is that God has in mind. I don't wait well.

Lulu said...

So sorry for your disappointment, but I'm just so in awe of your ability to put yourself out there for new and bigger things. With just three years of sobriety, I am struggling so much with what I call my sober disease of "overwhelmedness". Without my nightly two bottles of wine, I've found I have very, very weak coping mechanisms. I desperately need to get a new job and there are many opportunities right now in my field. On paper, I have everything I need to move on but I do not have the emotional resiliance and energy it takes to put myself out there. I just fall apart so easily. I may be physically sober, but emotionally I'm still quite a bit behind. Sorry I'm rambling, but your strength in trying to advance your career and handling the setbacks is totally awe inspiring to me. Hope I can catch up to you...

ScottF said...

Thank you all soo much for your enouragement and kind words!

Lulu, hang in there and keep coming back. Pray, write, share, work those steps... It's tough to put ourselves out there for "evaluation" by others, and risk failure. But, we must trudge on one step at a time. Failure sucks, being denied hurts. But, AA has shown me that I can accept criticism and judgement and not die, or even get drunk. Hang in there :-)

tearlessnights said...

You don't always need to be "positive"... you can be sad and discouraged and scared. That is part of being whole and true. But yes, I LOVE the balanced reminder of the gratitude list... keeps things in perspective; things are bad *AND* things are good. Both can be true at the same time. Thanks for your honesty. I am inspired by that and I am eager to see what God has in store for you! He has plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future! Keep on keeping on!

Syd said...

I understand the feeling. It is like I am taking it personally as if I'm not good enough. Jobs are so competitive. And you were no. 2. Feel the feelings and let them go. I am glad that you got your 16 year token. That is an awesome thing.