I got the call Monday morning that I was not selected for the job I interviewed for after Christmas. They did hire the right guy, and had I known he was in the running, I may not have even submitted my resume. I'm flattered to have been the runner-up to this guy out of 24 candidates but that aint worth much. I'm pretty bummed, to say the least. I was REALLY wanting that job for several reasons. Now, I can't really complain. I do have a job I enjoy, even though I am severely underpaid due to our budget and the nature of running a non-profit organization. (My board has clearly acknowledged this on several occasions, so I know its not my ego lol) At least I'm employed, and I do have the side real estate gig, which should hopefully be good this year (though not without its own delightful stresses lol).
This job would have been a HUGE lift for my career, and meant a significant improvement for our finances. That's the bummer... My ego and checkbook are blown out at this point. I'm just burnt out from scratching and clawing, barely keeping our heads above the water line. I'm growing tired of "doing the right thing" and always "being the good guy." That's all well and good, and I know it's the way we need to be. I get a lot of spiritual reward from my volunteer work in the community and my work with youth. But at the end of the day, we're running out of money and "atta boys" and pats on the back don't do much for the bank account. I'm dying for some sort of professional break or recognition, and evidently I just haven't been successful enough for that to happen.
So, here I sit in my office, wishing I didn't feel so damn bad right now. I thought I'd just accept, move on and kick ass with what's in front of me. But right this very moment, I aint feelin' so hot. My job is very public, the other job would've been very public and the two are intertwined among the same network of people, many of whom know I was in the running or the job. I don't know how to face the people I need to face to do my job well right now. I wish I could avoid taking things so damn seriously, but this is my career and family we're trifling with here. I guess it's just going to take time and prayer. This is the second major career opportunity to pass me by in 4 months, and both interview/preparation processes have been exhausting.
I did hit the noon meeting Monday, right after I got the call. I picked up my 16 yr token, could barely talk about the whole deal and make sense. I just wish I didn't feel so awful. I really don't have time for misery, as I need to kick things in the ass and make something happen. And I know God opens a door when He closes one (that was supposed to be this job however, lol). Things happpen for a reason, blah blah platitude, cliche... This too shall pass... I know that.
At least I don't have to drink or drug. There's the good news. I've come a long way since getting sober 16 yrs ago, but I aint done, I want more and I deserve more. I just want to take care of my family, and provide for them and right now, that's not happening. We've been backsliding slowly since 2003 when I got downsized out of a great job. Unfortunately, we're about to hit the wall, and something's gotta give.
Thanks for listening, hopefully the next post is more positive.