Thursday, March 02, 2006

so much to say...

I feel like I have a bunch to share today! I should be working, but I want to sort of cleanse my mental palette, so to speak. We had a large group and a wonderful discussion on Step 3. There was a fellow in there for his 3rd meeting, sober 3 weeks, and another newcomer rolled in late, and rolled back out again, promising to be back the following week... We encouraged him to stick around, but he backed away (literally) and said "oh no, I am fine..." Hmmmm, where have I heard that one? I got some time after the meeting to share with the newcomer, got him set up with some literature, sent him smiling out the door... Man, there is nothing like working with a brand new person in AA! I left that meeting, my toes were off the ground! It is so great to see AA working its magic. I had left my former home group to start this one, in my tiny little town. I had been missing the men's closed meetings I had attended early on in recovery and decided to give this a try. When I moved to the area where I live now, there were no men's meetings. Well, we've been going strong for a yr and a half. Now ladies, please don't take offense, I love attending meetings with the fairer sex (which is precisely why I need a men's meeting!!) just as much as the next person. But, there is just a different dynamic in this setting... Anyhow, man, I left there feeling great last nite!

Tuesday, I had a bit of a let down... I had applied for a job with the village I live in, as the Asst. to the Village Administrator, basically working on economic development projects, shuffling paperwork, meeting with local businesses and working with the Community Improvement Corp. Well anyhow, I really felt well qualified and suited for the position, it was good $$ and only part time, so I could add a decent bit of steady income to my commission only mortgage biz. The perfect situation!! That's all well and good, but I guess the powers that be didn't see it that way, he he! I decided (since I hadn't heard anything in 3 weeks) that I would check out the VIllage Council meeting Tuesday, to see if anything was moving forward with the new job. Well, it turns out, they did have an executive session planned for that very evening to discuss personnel issues! Alas, my ship had come in!! Went I was dismissed from the meeting (as a quiet little spectator) so they could have their executive session, I left the council chambers, only to run into two lovely, well dressed older ladies who seemed to be waiting for something.... The Village Administrator came out, talked to them in earnest, flipped a coin, one called heads, won and was sent in. My thinker (also known as the itty bitty shitty committee) got ta goin' and deduced that they were probably the finalists for the job I had EXPECTED to get. (note the expectation issue here....) So, I sat beside the other gal who had not yet gone in, struck up a really pleasant conversation with her, and learned that I was correct, they were in fact there to interview with the council and that someone would be hired that evening. Well, after a bit more pleasant banter and a wish for her success from me, I excused myself and left quietly, crushed... I am sooo very glad that I finally learned the lesson of keeping one's eyes and ears open, and one's mouth closed when trying to learn something. (Thanks Mom!) I could've waltzed into that meeting, glad handed everyone within a 1 mile radius, put on my best dog and pony "dig me, I am the guy for the job" political/used car salesman show. Instead, I had just gone in, signed in and sat quietly through the meeting. Man, would I have made an ass of myself. Of course, the bummer is, my "perfect" situation has been altered slightly! It's back to the drawing board as far as the career thing goes... Work has been a big drag, sales are slow right now, money is tight, blah blah blah... So needless to say I was feeling mighty low when I got home Tues nite. I guess what bugs me most about all this is the fact that they couldn't even take the time to acknowledge my resume/application or even call to tell me they were heading in a different direction. (dont they know who I am??)

I have been in a bit of a financial/professional backslide ever since I got downsized back in Nov 2003. Now granted, I have kept food on the table, we're not in debtor's jail, my credit is great, we're able to go out and do some fun stuff... But, I am definitely struggling professionally and financially... I think mainly due to my self esteem... still feeling a bit down about getting let go from that great job I had, feeling poorly about the lack of interest I (the great salesman guy) have been able to generate in myself over the past 2+ yrs of job/career prospecting. When the village job thing came out the way it did Tuesday, it just felt like a kick in the... well, yeah, crappy!

Having said all that, I went to church at noon yesterday to get the Liturgy of the Word and the Ashes, and for the first time, realized what Lent is all about.... I had always thought that Lent was about giving up some vise for 40 days til Easter, then going right back to it. Well, the Deacon gave an awesome talk yesterday, about Lent, and what it means. (it is important to note that we go to Mass because my wife is Catholic, I am not and we're raising my son in the Church. However, after 5+ yrs of going to Mass, and now recently, playing my horn in church, I think I have finally decided to join the Church.) He talked about the importance of searching and evaluating one's spiritual life on a regular basis. That this is the time of year we are to examine our spiritual life, and make adjustments, improvements. This is the time of year to find ways to give ourselves more to God (HP) and ot others. But do it on a spiritual basis, not shouting it from the rooftops to be heard and seen. We should not only be "giving up" something we enjoy but, we should be sacrificing something we enjoy, to align ourselves with that which is most important, the spiritual life, rather than the material life. We should take the time to rid ourselves of those things which block our connection to God (HP) and others. Man, after that service, I felt so ready to do that searching, that sacrificing, that giving of myself, only to have that awesome home group meeting last night... It just so happens I am right at Steps 6 & 7 in my spiritual program... nice timing!

So, all things being equal, I am fine, my life is fine, everything is as it should be (or it would be some other way...). So, I really don't need to feel badly about the job thing, or our finances. I need to focus on the next right thing to do and have faith that HP has it well in hand. (before I really make a mess fo things!!) Its time to focus in upon myself, in an attempt to rid myself of those objectionable notions and behaviors, in the interest of preparing myself to be of service to God and those about me....

Sorry for the long post, just had some stuff....

4 comments:

Shannon said...

wheeeew! feel better? :)

Hope this daay just ROCKS for ya

Tab said...

Everybody needs to rant sometimes.
I hope you will find a little time for fun while all this is on your shoulders.
Thanks for sharing

Alexis said...

WOW!!!!!!!! I bet you feel about 100 pounds lighter after letting all that out! Keep letting go - you're not turning it loose in to a black hole, you're handing it over to the hand of HP and that's a safe place for your job, your finances, everything! :)

Rex said...

Glad to listen anytime....