Friday, April 07, 2006

hope

I have found myself feeling so wonderful the past three, maybe four days. I have felt this overwhelming sense of gratitude and excitement. Normally, I would chalk this up to the pre-vacation pink cloud. But, I am really swamped with getting ready to go on vacation, and thats usually a big ole stressor for me! The interesting thing to note about this gradual development of overwhelming good feeling is that it hasn't really coincided with me getting my way, or with any of my external circumstances improving. So, I think we can say that this is what you get when you get to a lot more meetings, increase the time spent IN the Fellowship, add blogging to your daily regimen and so forth.

Of course, my typical alcoholic mind want to remind myself that "this too shall pass..." and it shall. But, I am hoping I can continue to develop the Serenity thats come over me. I was in a meeting yesterday and man what a meeting it was. There was a gal there who referred to the fact she's still drinking three different times during the meeting. There was a gal there with 2.5 days sober, a guy there with less than a month, another guy there with 3 mos, and then a small contingent of us with several yrs sober. We got to talking about results and promises and so forth. My friend Jeff shares that he thought it was interesting that Bill W. chose the word "serenity" to describe the gift we receive as a result of living the 12 Steps. He explained that the word serenity implies awareness, not just rapture, joy, happiniess (the things we feel when we get our way). I like that because I had had some pretty great feelings of happiness and even peace when I was using. But, the awareness was nowhere to be found.

Today, I feel that awareness, that "connectedness" to my surroundings, to the people in my life, to my HP. I think thats what Jeff was talking about. I think that directly explains my feelings of goodwill, my willingness (without even going thru the internal "should I or shouldn't I) to help others, to stick myself out there with new business contacts, etc. I am feeling connected again... I am feeling a part of... Funny time for this to happen too (thanks HP, once again). I spent a few days just feeling spiritually horrible last week. I had really begun to get down about my job, worried about money, the whole nine yards. It had nearly brought me to a grinding halt. Thankfully, I kept sharing and going to meetings and trudging. And look where that's landed me. I really am just thankful to be feeling so good these past few days (even with this nasty sinus infection I have caught once again). The thing that blows me away is that I have resolved nothing with the big issue that's been troubling me. I have gotten not 1 reply to any of the 20 plus resumes I have sent out for various careers within my sphere of experience. That had really begun to make me feel worthless and unwanted (as only any truly self-pitying alcoholic can feel!!). On Tuesday I discovered an opportunity to perhaps get set up with my own little mortgage office, working under the name of a national nortgage co. I would get to run the thing, call the shots, market how I see fit, hire people if I decide to (or not) and basically have my own little one man band. Man is that appealing!! Now, of course, I have to pay all my startup expenses, find an office, get furniture, so forth. But once I am up and running, I'm a W-2 employee, I have no payroll or taxes to do, they handle all the compliance and accounting stuff. I simply go originate loans and operate my little office. What I have to do at this point is work up all the numbers, create the costing model, basically write up a business plan in order to determine if I can do this or not. This of course will be accompanied by a major gut check. So, Alexs, I am definitely looking forward to that "ffffeeeeewwww" you described!! While all of this is just dripping with risk and fear of failure, or of not being accepted to open the branch and so forth, I am just plain filled with excitement at the idea of it all. Thats a big change in me, real big, did I mention real big change??

The real fun is: I get to work on all this while getting ready for the 2 wk trip to Phoenix, filing my taxes (ouchie), getting increasingly busy with new deals at work, working with my current employer who may or may not take this well if I decide to do it. I will become a bit of a competitor. Thankfully, we seem to have a good friendship, so when HP shows me how to handle that, I am sure it will turn out how it is suppsed to. This is an exciting and frightening time in my life! The best part is that I am feeling sprirtually fit enough to work through this with a good attitude and come out shining at some point down the road here. I feel hope, that's what I feel... Thats it exactly!



gratitude:

AA
HP
sobriety/health
my wife, son and doggie
that my wife is kicking butt on her non smoking
her HP
that I have plenty to do
that I have an exciting business opportunity
that I am going to do the leg work necessary to make a sound decision (I really suck at legwork, usually i just wanna make the decision and see the results, NOW)
that I am fearful, but not paralyzed
sponsees
that I know if this opportunity ends up not working out, something else will come along if I keep doing the next right thing
oh, and that we're going to phoenix (its tempting to stay here and have them go without me so I can get all this work done and deals closed)
that my current employer has no idea this blog exists!
blogging

7 comments:

AAwoken said...

I can relate on so may levels. THanks for the great post.

Alexis said...

You ROCK!!!! : ) I think I lost about 10 pounds from stress, worry and fear before I got to ffffffffffeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww : ) so just get on the scale. When you're down 10, you know you've got your decision!!! LOL : ) Have a great weekend!

Tab said...

Have a fab' weekend Scott,life sounds good.I am still so happy to hear your wife isn't smoking too!
Thanks for sharing~

dAAve said...

I know exactly how youa re feeling.
Since I go to 14-15 meetings every week (since Aug '03) and do everything else we are suggested to do, I pretty much stay on that cloud. A few times I ahve isolated for a few days, but know what to do to come out of it.
It's all about keeping that connection to my HP and the AA fellowship.

Shannon said...

SCOTT!!!! I am sooo happy to hear that you are feeling that peace, and serenity!!!! I can relate too with that... :)

I am excited for you to hear about your running your own mortgage co... I will be praying for you

Anna said...

So glad to hear your feeling better. Loved the post.

Mary Christine said...

Thanks for sharing your stuff with us.