Monday, June 26, 2006

still human...

This might seem a bit odd, coming on the heels of so many positive posts lately, gratitude, "no crises" in my life, etc. However, it has been brought to my attention rather bluntly that my anger and temperment are causing problems for those who are closest to me. And, while I am fully aware of how easily I become irritated, sarcastic. grouchy, etc., I had thought that thru the process of going to extra meetings, blogging, Zoloft, and so forth, I was making progress. Well, it seems that perhaps not as much progress is being made as was hoped for. Well, doesn't that just suck. I am hesitant to blog about this, just because I don't know how much of my "dirty laundry" I want out here on the net. So, without going into any great detail, I'd at least like to offer up myself to any experience, strength and hope anyone might have with there successes in relieving themselves of anger constructively. I don't hit people, I haven't thrown anything in quite some time but, I don't speak nicely to those around me when I get irritated, frustrated, pissed, what have you... When you live with a sensitive woman and a 4 yr old... well you can envision the difficulties this might present.

Here are the ideas I have on what I might do to make this better (cuz well, ya know, I have been in charge of this all my life, and it's gone so well, he he!):

1.) Take a thorough 4th Step inventory (on me, alone) where this particular character defect is concerned. (Yes, I have a strong belief that I aint the only problem, but that's not the purpose of this exercise.)
2.) Seek help in the church, alone or with whomever my anger might be affecting.
3.) Read my Al-Anon literature (meetings are tough to make, there arent many round here, and I cannot justify any more evenings away from home right now...)
4.) Find an Al-Anon sponsor or at least get some good convo going with an Al-Anon member online here...
5.) Pray, Pray, Pray
6.) Take Steps 5-9 once I complete #4

What mystifies me, is that I feel as if I try quite hard to amend this behavior. Often I succeed. But it's the times I don't succeed that get me into trouble. (well duh) It sort of leaves me with the feeling no, it definitely leaves me with the feeling that I should be seeking and achieving perfection. I don't know, maybe that's a bit overblown, but I guess there is no slack when it comes to setting a good example for your child and being a contributing part to the peace and serenity of your home. For this alcoholic, it's difficult to be called on the carpet for my glaring defects of character, especially when I feel like the person doing the calling out is part of the problem, and has some credibility issues when it comes to their own positive attitudes. I should only concern myself with my side of the street, I know... I know. But, it aint easy! And, if I hurt someone, I should expect them to express it to me, and they have, repeatedly.

I don't know, I am still so grateful for all that stuff I posted about yesterday. Perhaps I need to do a better job of living that gratitude, rather than just posting it safely online. Why is the home the hardest place to have a program? It's the most important... I think it's 449/417 time.

Thanks for listening...

8 comments:

Tab said...

((Scott)) I applaude your honesty!!!
Doesn't sound like you need any advice from the list you provided, you got everything you need to work with.Knowing our flaws is the only way we can start fixing them,
one by one , one day at a time.
Be patient & Believe in You .
Great post...your a sweetie!
Thanks for sharing ~

Lex-Sunshine said...

Sounds like you've got LOTS of tools to use! : ) That's a good thing! I've found the #1 thing for me to do when I feel myself digging a hole of anger or lighting the fuse on my emotional TNT is to keep my mouth SHUT! So many situations just resolve themselves or REALLY don't need me in them and if I just keep my mouth shut, it ends up ok. I pray for this EVERY morning. I don't know if this helps you, but it does me : )

Trudging said...

Great list!

Sober Chick said...

Scott you are doing fine, processing all of this. I am not one to givve advice on this, I struggle with Rage, no anger. I take it out on me not by drinking, but by another flaw that has less consequences. I am working thru this with others that struggle with the eaxct same thing. It seems to help. What also helps is a 3rd person party, such as the relationship I am in. Yes we are doing wonderful, but the spotlight has been on me for so long now that I am in recovery it is time to get down to the nitty gritty.

Speaking to someone whom is non biased to both is so helpful. We both get to see points that we cannot conclude with one another.

In the end, this will make the bonds between all stronger.

dAAve said...

I can't add to what the others say, so I will.

... Live and Let Live
... Step 3

NMAMFQLMSH said...

Progress not perfection.
I hear you on the "dirty laundry" thing. Sometimes it is very difficult for me to post certain things.
Stay strong bro!
I see you,
JJ

Shannon said...

here is a HUG!!
I can relate with you
I get easily irritable, and cranky too, and have to really watch it with those I love mostest,
I too am so super extra hard on myself...
hang in there. it will get better
the good news is...
PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION...
keep doing what you doing as best as you can, and feel good about trying to be aware of it...

have a great evening Scott :)

Scott W said...

Maybe you have changed your behavior and those closest to you have gotten used to that, so when you let that anger show it is now magnified. If you have consciously changed your behavior and are willing to continue then you are probably on the right course. My anger usually stems from that damned self-entitlement issue I seem to carry around. See page 417/449.