still human...

This might seem a bit odd, coming on the heels of so many positive posts lately, gratitude, "no crises" in my life, etc. However, it has been brought to my attention rather bluntly that my anger and temperment are causing problems for those who are closest to me. And, while I am fully aware of how easily I become irritated, sarcastic. grouchy, etc., I had thought that thru the process of going to extra meetings, blogging, Zoloft, and so forth, I was making progress. Well, it seems that perhaps not as much progress is being made as was hoped for. Well, doesn't that just suck. I am hesitant to blog about this, just because I don't know how much of my "dirty laundry" I want out here on the net. So, without going into any great detail, I'd at least like to offer up myself to any experience, strength and hope anyone might have with there successes in relieving themselves of anger constructively. I don't hit people, I haven't thrown anything in quite some time but, I don't speak nicely to those around me when I get irritated, frustrated, pissed, what have you... When you live with a sensitive woman and a 4 yr old... well you can envision the difficulties this might present.

Here are the ideas I have on what I might do to make this better (cuz well, ya know, I have been in charge of this all my life, and it's gone so well, he he!):

1.) Take a thorough 4th Step inventory (on me, alone) where this particular character defect is concerned. (Yes, I have a strong belief that I aint the only problem, but that's not the purpose of this exercise.)
2.) Seek help in the church, alone or with whomever my anger might be affecting.
3.) Read my Al-Anon literature (meetings are tough to make, there arent many round here, and I cannot justify any more evenings away from home right now...)
4.) Find an Al-Anon sponsor or at least get some good convo going with an Al-Anon member online here...
5.) Pray, Pray, Pray
6.) Take Steps 5-9 once I complete #4

What mystifies me, is that I feel as if I try quite hard to amend this behavior. Often I succeed. But it's the times I don't succeed that get me into trouble. (well duh) It sort of leaves me with the feeling no, it definitely leaves me with the feeling that I should be seeking and achieving perfection. I don't know, maybe that's a bit overblown, but I guess there is no slack when it comes to setting a good example for your child and being a contributing part to the peace and serenity of your home. For this alcoholic, it's difficult to be called on the carpet for my glaring defects of character, especially when I feel like the person doing the calling out is part of the problem, and has some credibility issues when it comes to their own positive attitudes. I should only concern myself with my side of the street, I know... I know. But, it aint easy! And, if I hurt someone, I should expect them to express it to me, and they have, repeatedly.

I don't know, I am still so grateful for all that stuff I posted about yesterday. Perhaps I need to do a better job of living that gratitude, rather than just posting it safely online. Why is the home the hardest place to have a program? It's the most important... I think it's 449/417 time.

Thanks for listening...