Sunday, July 09, 2006

daddy I'm done

he he "Daddy, I am done" my 4 yr old hollars from the potty... Well, after this afternoon, when we pick Mommy up at the airport, I won't have to be as concerned with that bodily function as I have this past week. It's not that I don't take care of that stuff, he usually does that while I am at work, he he.

We have missed Mommy, but I have enjoyed having Ian all to myself. Plus, our relationship tends to do better when we get little breaks from each other every so often. Of course, I don't know if either of us did any recharging, she absolutley hates to be away from home and us and I had a pretty full week with Ian. I dunno how I feel about all of that... We've been pretty distant over the past several weeks. She has been struggling with her smoking, me with my weight. I have been busy with the new startup, although I have done fairly well at leaving 95% of that stuff at the office. So, things have been a bit strained, getting bitchy with each other, stuff like that... As an alcoholic, I have a difficult time "playing well with others" due to my self centeredness. I am definitely an isolationist who hates being alone! Try that lil paradox on for size, normal people he he! It goes right along with being an ego maniac with an inferiority complex! Not so pretty huh?? Combine that with a gal who is also self centered, stubborn and so full of fear/worry and some depression, it's no wonder we go thru some rough spots. I guess for me, I just wish I could learn to let her be where she's at and not get upset with how she acts or what she says. It's not so much as if I would liek to "change her," I know better... I just lose patience with her, and sometimes have a hard time understanding why she says and does the things she does. I am guessing this is just basic relationship stuff and we will find a way through it. I stopped thinking love and marriage was supposed to be rainbows, unicorns and violins all the time, quite some time ago... Oh, and throw a high energy terrier and a 4 yr old in the mix and I suppose we're right where we are supposed to be, he he!

Ok, not sure where all that came from... guess I needed to get that off my chest. I think I am feeling guilty for not being more excited about Mommy coming home (it's not that I don't want her to come home, I guess I think I should be more excited is all, lol). Maybe by the time we get to the airport, I will feel differently. I haven't solved anything, but I do feel better just sharing. I am going to keep trying to be grateful for the blessings in my life (there are plenty) and keep my focus on myself and my gratitude. I love the part in "Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict" where Dr. Paul talks about treating Max like we treat the sick AA newcomer. I gotta remember that, cuz Lord knows, we are both still sick when it comes to relationships!


SCoUt said...

Man, do I ever GET those paradoxes you mentioned -- or contradictions in my case. Maybe one of these days they can get integrated, huh?
Thank G-d for this program and for good dad's like you.
And, one more thing....
This relationship deal can be tough, can't it? Even if both are in recovery, it's just tough sometimes....
But I find the rewards and the LOVE so much bigger than I ever have before.
Glad Mommy is home and glad you had some time that sweet Ian.

Scott W said...

I am not ready for a relationship of such intimate circumstances. Thank God right now I have no interest in one. But there are those that cannot function without being up someone's ass all the time. Eww, not me. Give me my space and my alone time.

Oh, and Bunny is plenty for me to take care of right now.

Mary Christine said...

Those relationships are the challenge of a lifetime. God Bless You, I can feel that your heart is really in the right place.

Gwen said...

That is hard stuff. Especially when you throw a kid in the mix. Mine is ten now and we are starting to get so much more independence. If asked I would say I have a great marriage. Some people may think that means it is perfect. Fact is it is not. But it is great. We are two flawed humans doing the best we can to be good to one another. Sometimes successfully sometimes not. I often think how lucky I am but how much harder I have to work for serenity. When I was single for the first two years of my sobriety I would come home to my apartment that was perfectly neat at all times and I was content. I was finally at a place that I did not have to run from me anymore. I loved my freedom. I love my husband and son and my life. It takes a lot of work. Well worth it work but a lot of work none the less. You are not alone. I hear you. Relationships are very hard. Thank God we don't have to be perfect ;)

dAAve said...

Far be it from me to have a clue what you're talking about.

attitude & gratitude

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