Wednesday, October 17, 2007

melancholy quandry...

I am bummed about my uncle, there's just no other way of saying it. We were close when I was younger but we moved away, from western NY state to Toledo in 1982 and that's the last I saw of him. We spoke a few times on the phone, and that was great.... He always remembered to send $50 bucks for my son's birthday or Christmas but we were never close again like when I was a kid.

He was that uncle that mom and dad didn't want to leave me alone with for too long, lest there be some sort of debauchery afoot. He was always doing something fun, crackin' wise and just having a good time. He was really just a big little boy! And well frankly,I feel badly for not going to visit him, or making a effort at least, when he was alive and well. but, with me being sober, and him being well... not sober, in fact quite a lot not sober, I felt like I would be sort of a drag for him, I dunno. So, it just never happened that we hooked up, and now it's too late.

My quandry is whether or not to zip over for his memorial service tomorrow in Buffalo. I mean I could just jump in the car and go, its a 6 hr drive. The problem is, I have a parade to march in with my Optimist Club tomorrow nite (although I could probably get outta that). but, more than that I have two loan closings on Friday that I really should be there for, even though everything is ready to go for the deals. I don't think my wife really would like for me to dash off. She's not real big on being home alone with Ian and what not. So, there's that... I dunno what to do really. I called my dad to see if he is going, (it's his younger brother that passed away. My dad went up to see my uncle last week when they thought we were going to lose him, he improved so dad took off, then Monday we lost him) and no one answered at dads, so I have no clue.

I dunno really... I got all the info on my uncle pretty much from my mom (who was close to him too, even though mom and dad divorced a long time ago) while he was sick. Dad called Monday nite to tell me he passed, but that was the first time dad really had anything to say to me about my uncle being really sick. So, the whole thing has been typically dysfunctional, like only my family can be.

This whole thing just has me thinking alot, praying a bit, feeling quite melancholy really. I have spent time the past couple days thinking of all the fun he and I used to have and what not, but at the same time, feeling pretty badly about not staying closer to him. I guess that's just what happens when people pass away. I was too busy living in Texas and being stoned/drunk when my dad's dad died 15 yrs ago, so I never made it to his funeral. It just seems like I ought to go to this one.

Anyhow, that's just how I am feeling about the whole thing...

peace!

3 comments:

Pam said...

Hi Scott, I'm sorry you've lost your uncle. I "hear" you on how you are feeling. Whatever you decide to do, will be the right thing for you and your family.

dAAve said...

Whatever you decide, at least you'll always have those wonderful memories.

One Drunk to Another said...

Hi Scott -- long time. Anyway, once I was struggling with whether or not to attend a funeral. My Aunt told me to remember that funerals are for the living, not the dead. I, of course, was included in the living, but thought, too about those who would be there as the person's "family". I had to weigh out if the funeral would benefit me spiritually, or if I could celebrate that person's life without attending. I had to also consider whether the family needed me. After looking at it that way, I was able to make a decision I was happy with.

Hope that helps.

Suzanne