anger: a dangerous indulgence for me

I carved out an hour to make it to home group... We talked at length (thanks to a member who struggles mightily with anger and rage issues) about anger and our reaction to things that happen in our lives. Anger is an emotion I've struggled with over me entire life. It seems that I am wired to simply respond negatively by default. And if it's something that involves my money, ego, sex life or some other perceived item of an important nature, well here comes the anger.

I remmber early on in AA, people talking about "taking responsibility for our side of the street," or looking for "our part" in a disagreement or negative situation. Well, I had no idea what the heck these people were referring to of course. I also remember the day I heard this (for probably the hundredth time, but it finally sank in they were talking about me): "Most of our problems are of our own making..." Boy was I unhappy to hear this. In fact I was pretty pissed. Later on, in a 10th Step reading/discussion in my first homegroup we crossed that paragraph in the 12X12 that says: "It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us."

Now, that's going a bit too far isn't it? The thing is, today I have a choice in life. I can choose to drink, use drug, smoke... I can choose to live a sober, kind peaceful life. I can choose to be angry when I am "wronged" or I can choose to let it go and do the next right thing. If I choose to become angry and become negative, I've allowed that toxic emotional stuff to again get into my system and I run the risk of damaging my sobriety. Eventually, too much anger and resentment, and I will begin to walk down the path of relapse. So, no matter what the cause, I must strive to choose the positive reaction, or even none at all. But, if I am to have the peaceful, serene, loving meaningful sobriety I desire, I MUST choose to not indulge in my character defect of anger/resentment/negativie emotion whenever possible. I am simply NOT equipped to handle anger succesfully. I have proven that time and time again.

I am better at this today, but I have more work to do!

I am glad I carved out an hour to get to my meeting! This is one character defect I must be reminded of.