Friday, December 04, 2009

How do folks deal with someone who sees the world from a half empty perspective? There are times when I feel like I am swimming through a sea of negativity at home and all I can do is try to isolate myself and my son from it and hang in there... It beats me down, makes me tired, makes me not want to come home, makes me not want to live here and yes, this morning has not been pleasant... again.

I am in a situation where I have to make the money (that's kool no big deal, I am good with that part, marriages have their roles), make all the decisions (yes even the ridiculous little ones), handle the finances, help keep my wife "put together," take over with homework and stuff with Ian because she gets to where she can't handle that and I have to be a major buffer between my family and my wife because she can't handle that situation either. If I want to have any sort of social/volunteer life outside my happy home, I am on my own and that just creates more tension. I have a very public job now that demands a good bit of my time, I can see that's going to become a problem for her as well. (but the bank job was no good because that was too busy and stressful and made me too much of an ogre)

Fair of me to say or not, I feel like a single dad raising a depressed teen girl and an 8 yr old son. It's hard (impossible?) not to be resentful because I am married to a smart, kind woman and so I don't feel like things should be like this. But, she's obviously got issues with depression and mental anxiety. She won't see a doc, a counsellor, take meds or anything. She thinks the answer is to follow new age spirituality and "attract" goodness into our lives and all this stuff. She's absolutely convinced that's the key. How the hell does one who is so negative have any hopes of attracting something positive, just by sitting around thinking about it all day, all the while contradicting nearly everything everyone says and seeing/living life in such negative terms?

I dunno, I needed to rant and vent. I am pissed right now, and really just unhappy as hell. I can probably go get counselling, but cannot afford the cost and it will just add to the tension and stress. That will be her fault too. If I start going to Al-Anon, that's one more thing that is taking me out of the house and that will surely make her feel even better, that will be her fault too. Everything is her fault. nd then when something actually is, well hell... whatever. I can't even tell her anything without her getting upset or her feelings hurt... How the hell can I have a chance to say "hey, you're hurting me, and negatively affecting your son." I tried a kind, quiet bit of "advice/suggestion regarding how she talks to him with his homework" this morning, and immediately the response was "I know, I am the problem..." So, it comes out of me in inappropriate ways once the frustration builds up.

I am to the point where I know inside that if it weren't for my son, I'd have left awhile ago. I don't know if that is selfish, "typical male behavior" or what. I haven given a shitload of myself to this relationship, and have ben here for 10 years. I willingly signed up for this, eyes wide open. And, the words of my marriage vows ring loudly in my ears... "til death do us part, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health..."

I try hard to be positive, especially on here. I want my blog to be my happy place and a positive reflection on the wonders of recovery. However, life isn't like that 24/7 in the real world so please excuse my lack of positive outlook this morning, it happens alot around my house anymore.

Ahh.. there is this: I have no desire to get drunk over all this, and that makes me smile.

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