Wednesday, December 09, 2009

I put it out there

I went to visit our priest yesterday. I talked to him about the chruch becoming a member of the Chamber of Commerce, but I really went over there to discuss my marriage with him. I was there about 45 minutes, and probably talked for 35 minutes of that, lol. I gushed... feeling like I just needed to get my "story" out, regarding our struggles. And then I felt bad, almost like I was "telling on my wife" even though I was very careful about not blaming, finding fault and judging her to him.

I actually found myself telling him that I think we may have gone past the point of no return with each other, that I am not sure I would be completely upset if we came to the conclusion that we ought to just split up before this gets ugly and nasty. I shared with him my confusion over my covenant with God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, my wife, me and my son, versus my own sanity, peace of mind and mental health. I told him that I didn't want to give up but by the same token, we haven't even begun to work on things together and I am really burned out and not desiring to open up that can of marital recovery. I've been working on me, it seems like it's all I do. I'm always filtering what I say, shirking back if I sense any upset coming, until I get to pissed off and express my frustration inappropriately.

He gave me a book to read, that gives specific suggestions for couple who have lost their way. I am reading that. I am afraid to even mention to her that I've gone to talk to Fr Tom again, right now, so I won't. I've been trying the "space" treatment, keeping busy, coming home from work, keeping on point with Ian and my various things I need to do, then going off by myself once Ian hits the hay, the usual routine. I don't want any more conversations, discussions. Father suggested Retrovaille, which is a catholic marriage weekend retreat, and lengthy (months) follow up designed to help bring troubled marriages back together. I know damn well she isn't going to go on a retreat with me, lol. She and I kicked it around a bit a month or two ago, couldnt find one close to us so money and time will be the excuse. Father suggested trying to do a morning simple prayer together, presenting our petitions to God together, possibly just asking her how she's feeling about things, where we're at.. etc. He said it sounded as if she really ought to see a doctor about possible depression, maybe some counseling. That's all good, but she's not willing to do those things, at least no so far. And I am to the point where I don't know if I have it in me to push her and give an ultimatum, (not that that's a real solution) to seek help or I am done, or what.

Worst of all, I feel badly for feeling like I want to quit and be off by myself. I am married, I am not supposed to quit. I am lonely and craving affection, emotionally & spiritually speaking. Thankfully, I get some of that from friends and family, most of whom are females which is confusing and troublesome. It's as if the more time that passes, the worse I am feeling about all of this.

Sorry to be all about this stuff on here again but it's just where I am at right now this morning. I hope I am not sending my readers off running to happier places lol. I never have gotten a large number of commenters but boy, thank God for those who take the time to share with me :-)

Thankfully, the job is going well, Ian and I have a solid relationship and I've got this new adventure going with Kayla. She invited me to drive up and hear her Christmas choir concert at school this Sunday. I had thought about taking Ian with me for the road trip (couple hrs one way), mentioned it to my wife last nite that I was thinking of going with ian. I literally barely got the sentence out of my mouth when she replied "Oh, Ian won't be interested in doing that." I said well, "it was mainly about the road trip for he and I together, and to finally meet Kayla." I left the room, I don't guess I will bother going. Sunday is her meeting day and I don't want to be gone all day without Ian. I am gone enough during the week. The fallout from that believe it or not, probably wouldn't be worth the trip. We'll get together another time.


Pam said...

Oh darlin'.
Sometimes stuff is just so hard.
I'm sorry "hard" is just hitting you in the gut these days.

dAAve said...

I'm glad you feel OK about sharing this much of your personal life.
As I'm in the embryo stages of a sober relationship, I sure can't offer any specific advice.
All I know is to do the next right thing, ask for help when you need it, respond appropriately to situations, pray and just take the required actions.
Jeez, David. Shut up.

Shannon said...

Hey Scott, wow... I so know how you feel, it seems very parell to where I was with my marriage or the last 2 yrs of it, and ours was a short marriage...

I know what you mean about wanting to give up and not wanting to... going over and over... "for better or for worse" it is so hard.

I pray for you to find the path you are to take, whatever that may be. I am so proud of you for being honest, especially on here...but mainly this blog is for you... and people will give well meaning advice, and I know you know all that...
I really feel for you, all of what you said.

Just be honest with yourself, God and others... I know the answer for you will come

Mary Christine said...

I don't think you can be expected to carry the entire relationship. And I don't know how you can have a covenant relationship with someone who is doing new age stuff. Sorry. It all sounds unilateral to me.

But consider the source, I am happily divorced.

Lou said...

Scott, I'm a believer in marriage, till "death do us part." But I know you are not taking this lightly, and it does sound like your wife is not giving an inch. It is hard, if not impossible, to work on a relationship if one person just won't try.

I feel bad for you, I know it hurts with your son also. It was good you talked to the priest, and his suggestions were excellent. As far as the time and expense of a retreat..well, you are talking about the rest of your life. I would try ONE more time to really get her to understand the gravity of your feelings.

Best of luck..

Marcia said...

Hi Scott,
Sorry you are going through this. As one who has been through the divorce thing, I feel for you. You are right though, you can't make her do anything. It took me a long time to realize I could only change me. Whether that means staying or going...