Sunday, February 21, 2010

"mass"ive emotions

Mass was wonderful today, highly emotional for me, for some reason. I really felt something strong in my heart. It's been an emotional week with my meds being off the normal dosage, and my trip to see Kayla yesterday. I just felt really connected to the Lord this morning and it felt good. It felt safe to be emotional in His presence and it felt good to be sitting there with my family and my church family. We also welcomed those who are preparing to join the Catholic Church this year. I always feel good about that, having gone through the experience three years ago.

My visit with Kayla yesterday left me feeling somewhat strange. It was the first opportunity we've had to spend some one on on "face time" together since we've gotten in touch back at Thanksgiving. I can say that its alot easier saying things via text message than it is in person. I found myself to be quite nervous as I got closer to her home. I felt somewhat ill at ease around my ex and her husband for some reason and was nervous with Kay all day. I mean, it was really nice to see her and to listen to her tell me what's been going on in her life and all that. I just don't really know how to process it all. She's laid some fairly heavy duty stuff on me these past three months and it's been really quite surreal. I did get to meet her latest beau and he seemed like a really nice kid. Kay told me he was really nervous about meeting me, I thought that was kind of amusing.

I took her out to eat, then we walked around the mall looking at clothes. I spent most of the visit listening to her tell me a little of this and a little of that about her life, her interests and the stuff that's going on with her now. She's definitely alot like I was in how she thinks and behaves at her age and that kinda bums me out because I really went on to mess myself up pretty bad. I didn't lecture or even give much advice really, I listened alot. I did tell her that I don't really know my role but that I love her and I want to be able to have a relationship and be a positive influence in her life. We really didn't get into a bunch of heavy duty stuff. I didn't really see the need for all of that. She seemed rather detached and unemotional with me, quite different from how she is when she texts. So, it was really just a nice afternoon hanging out getting to know each other. I guess I am just overwhelmed with it all, and having difficulty processing the fact that I missed so much of her childhood and what a wild, self centered young woman she's become. She's a wild child to be sure, wow lol. One interesting thing about our visit was that I could see in her eyes that she was trying to connect with me. She actually looked me dead in the eyes a few times, and she hadn't done that in the previous two visits we had over the holidays with all her family there.

My wife seemed to be ok when I got home and we had a really nice evening together. We watched the Olympics then the movie "Elizabethtown." That was an awesome movie and it was a nice time, just sitting there watching a movie. I really didn't say much about my visit with Kayla and she didn't ask.

I am grateful for alot of stuff these days... I am also overwhelmed by some of it. God will help me make sense of it.


The Turning Point said...

No comment really. My children were all under 8 when I got sober. My youngest wouldn't stay alone with me in or out of the house. Had to earn her trust, took longer than I wanted of felt fair but when she did she didn't withhold her love.

We're here listening and praying for you. God bless.


Enchanted Oak said...

Hi, Scott,
I'm so glad for you that your spiritual connection with your Higher Power is so strong. With that, we can climb mountains!

Enchanted Oak said...

P.S. I forgot to say thank you for those thoughtful comments on my blog. I love reading about matters of faith and choice. (It's also kind of funny that we both had the same cynical thought about Helen Keller.) (Sorry, Helen.)

Syd said...

Scott, I think that all any person can share is their own E, S, and H. It's probably best to not have a heavy discussion at the mall. Perhaps though if she asks for your opinion, then you can be honest and direct. I don't know how to handle kids these days. These are different times in so many ways.